‘Dracula Untold’ and ‘Jupiter Ascending’ Have New Trailers

The story of ‘Dracula Untold’ has never been told before because they just made it up, just now, by shuffling together script pages from a dozen other movies that teenage couples compromised on seeing and then filming that. It’s a movie about spooky warnings, screaming at green-screens, and magic battles where everyone dies in uniform circles without any blood.

Holy shit. Luke Evans is great, he deserves better than this.

‘Jupiter Ascending’ is the movie from the Wachowski Starship that was supposed to be released on July 25th but has been pushed back to February 6th. Amazingly, this is actually not based on a series of young-adult books that I never heard of but that somehow sold a billion copies. It would seem we skip that first part now and just make movies that look and sound like it.


When you watch these back-to-back it’s hard not to notice that the plot to a lot of movies these days is just… stuff. It’s just 90 minutes of a bunch of stuff goin on. It’ll have some ominous stuff, with people doing stuff in either very dark or very harsh lighting, but then a handsome guy shows up and he does some stuff, and a pretty girl can’t believe that stuff. And now there’s some colorful stuff, and some hopeful stuff, and the pretty girl likes this stuff. Oh but now a foppish bad guy is saying threatening stuff, and planning mean stuff, and the attractive people seem worried about that stuff, so they solemnly say determined stuff. Luckily it turns out that the handsome guy had been working on some stuff of his own, and the stuff he’s doing is winning. Oh, yaayy, we did it, how exciting!

It’s the movie equivalent of jingling keys in front of a cat.