GI Joe 2: The World Ain’t Gonna Sequel Itself

After the jump, I’ve got the trailer for GI Joe 2: Retaliation, starring The Rock and Channing Tatum, the hardest mumbling wigger in show business. If that weren’t enough, it also stars Bruce Willis and a chick who kind of looks like Michelle Rodriguez! The gang’s all here! Except for director Stephen Sommers! He was replaced on this installment by Jon M. Chu, director of Step Ups 2 Tha Streets and 3D, as well as Justin Bieber Never Say Never, which makes it likely this sequel will be even more danceable than the original! Let’s C-Walk to ground zero!

So first C-Tates is all, “Are you ready, Marines?” OOH RAH! SEMPER FI! STRIKE FIRST STRIKE HARD NO MERCY AHOOOOGA! But then the bad guys show up, and it’s like SPLOOOOCHHOGHGHHH. PEW! PEW! PEW! RATATATATTAATTAT TAT …Not on my watch. NOOOOO!!!!

And then the president comes in and he’s all, “In light of the Joes getting hella torn up by some evil dudes, I’m hereby turning over the government to this dude in a black leather jacket with a giant scar on his face. People, I know this is hard, but he just seems trustworthy.”

So then The Rock, who’s been hiding in a well this whole time like Lassie, comes out and he’s all like, “The world’s not going to save itself! It needs pro wrestlers!” And then he Peoples Elbows the Secretary of State, teaches a hot chick to sword fight, a Korean pop star takes his shirt off, and Bruce Willis screeches up in an El Camino and he’s all like, “GRRR, I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT, GRRR!” And some hot white chick rolls her eyes and she’s like, “Oh, Dad.”

After that, they have to get the White House back from the Cobras, who put their banners all over it like total evil dicks. HOW WILL THE JOES DO IT? I bet they use UN Sanctions! Ooh, this is going to be exciting.