Gwyneth Paltrow Has Decided To Convert To Judaism

After years and years of practicing Kabbalah (AKA Jew magic) and publicly reflecting on her Jewish ancestry on the TV show Who Do You Think You Are? (where it was confirmed that she comes from a long line of Eastern European rabbis on her father’s side), Gwyneth Paltrow has finally decided to go full Jew. According to Page 6:

The actress is quietly converting after years of following Kabbalah, which originated in Judaism, and being friends with Michael Berg, co-director of the Kabbalah Centre.


She had said in a 2006 Guardian interview that her father was descended from a Russian rabbinical dynasty. She was quoted as saying, “Like, 17 generations of rabbis — you see, I really am a Jewish princess!”

After appearing on the ancestry show, Paltrow had said she wants to raise her daughter, Apple, 10, and son, Moses, 8, in a Jewish environment, even though their father is Christian. She reportedly made the comment to guests at a London event that was hosted by Community Security Trust, a charity that represents Jewish interests.

I guess the question is how Jewish is she going? Is she going Orthodox? Is she going to join Hasidim in their delightful quest to set Judaism back a few thousand years? Or she is going Reform (which is the more modern type of Judaism that let’s women have rights and sh*t)? That much isn’t certain yet. What is certain is that she went on Jimmy Kimmel’s show earlier this week and said this:

“Creating a meal for my family and friends, sitting together, eating, laughing and talking, that’s when I’m happy. Oh my God, if you saw the amount of food that I do. I am the original Jewish mother. I make meals from these new recipes that look, smell and taste like the food I always cooked, but are also super healthy. That is an additional joy.”

This worries me a little bit as it seems to suggest that Gwyneth might just being going Jewish for the jokes. You see, according to the Talmud, your mother must be Jewish in order for you to go on TV and tell hilarious anecdotes about it. I really hope that wasn’t her motivation, especially since she could just claim to be a Karaite Jew, and Karaites don’t follow the Talmud or traditional Rabbinic Judaism so having a Jewish father would be enough to call herself a Jew. If you’re wondering why I know so much about all this, it’s because my mother is Catholic and my father is Jewish – which means that, technically, I’m only Jewish when my non-Jewish friends feel like calling me a “goddamn Jew.” So I do empathize with Gwyneth and her quest to go “Rabbinically legitimate” as a Jew. But I am still curious as to depths of her piousness. I guess we’ll find out if she starts wearing a tichel on late night TV.