Hackers Promise Not To Release Any More Stolen Data Now That ‘The Interview’ Has Been Scrapped

In a heartwarming victory for cyberterrorists everywhere, the “Guardians of Peace” (who US officials say are indeed linked to the North Korean government) have reportedly sent an email to Sony congratulating them for pulling The Interview. Ah, see? Everyone wins.

The hackers behind a devastating cyberattack at Sony Pictures have sent a new message to executives at the company, crediting them for a “very wise” decision to cancel the Christmas day release of “The Interview,” a source close to the company told CNN.

A very wise decision, and so handsome too! Your gardens will inevitably grow of the orchids and your many children to become statuesque golfers.

The hacker message is effectively a victory lap, telling the studio, “Now we want you never let the movie released, distributed or leaked in any form of, for instance, DVD or piracy.”

Leaked by piracy?! Who could do such a thing?! Oh the irony. I mean, assuming “irony” could apply any harder to North Korea. Rusted iron-y?

The message also says, “And we want everything related to the movie, including its trailers, as well as its full version down from any website hosting them immediately.”

Yeah, good luck with that.

It warns the studio executives that “we still have your private and sensitive data” and claims that they will “ensure the security of your data unless you make additional trouble.” [CNN]

Jesus Christ, Sony already flushed $60 million (reportedly) to satisfy this Manson Family commune of a country, and they’re still making threats. It’s they’re trying to have their Swiss cheese and eat it too or something.

Meanwhile, Pete Wentz has an alternate theory.

Someone confiscate his bong, he’s one load away from a Matrix metaphor. Anyway, here’s that trailer no one should post: