Hollywood is not even pretending that they’re still trying

Jonah Hill is in negotiations to make his directing debut, and don’t get me wrong: I like Jonah Hill.  He was brilliant in Cyrus, and he’s totally underrated as a character actor.  But this project sounds like it could be the high-water mark of lazy premises.

Hill is in talks to make his feature directorial debut on The Kitchen Sink, the Oren Uziel script for Sony Pictures about the unlikely alliance between a high school-aged vampire, zombie and human as they try to save their town from invading aliens. The script was a top choice on the recently released 2010 Black List.

It seems pretty obvious why it’s called “The Kitchen Sink,” but in case you didn’t get it…

The title The Kitchen Sink is a self-aware reference to the fact that the scribe has thrown every known and currently popular movie menace into a story that is at its core a coming-of-age tale. When I first revealed that [producer] Tolmach had bought the script, the former Sony co-president of production told me: “I love high school movies, and sparked to the authenticity of these characters. It’s more in the spirit of The Breakfast Club than anything, but you get an idea of the title in an early scene where two kids are running from zombies. Those zombies suddenly are attacked by vampires. Just when they are all facing off, there’s a bright light overhead. You realize the aliens have landed and these groups have to band together, suppress the urge to kill each other, and it becomes thematically the enemy of my enemy is my friend. That makes it different than your usual zombie, vampire, or alien movie.” [Deadline]

Hmm, so basically like Cowboys and Aliens, then? I’d love to believe that this is some hilarious, new take on the material, but at a certain point, everything’s been done.  It’s a Charlie Sheen t-shirt.  “Huh, so this time the zombie is… a piñata?” And the title, The Kitchen Sink… Do execs not know when they’re being screwed with anymore?  Hey, I got one for you: it’s about zombies, vampires, werewolves, and alien invasion.  It’s called “I’m Mailing It In.”

In a probably-related story, here’s the trailer for Dylan Dog: Dead of Night.

DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT is a new horror/comedy film based on one of the world’s most popular comics (60 million copies worldwide). Brandon Routh stars as Dylan Dog, world famous private investigator specializing in affairs of the undead. His PI business card reads “No Pulse? No Problem.” Armed with an edgy wit and carrying an arsenal of silver and wood-tipped bullets, Dylan must track down a dangerous artifact before a war ensues between his werewolf, vampire and zombie clients living undercover in the monster infested backstreets of New Orleans.

(*sigh*) More zombies, vampires, and werewolves.  Damn. I heard “Dylan Dog” and had my fingers crossed for “Dog that looks like Luke Perry.”