Expendables Fantasy Draft: How Would You Assemble Your Perfect Team Of Action Heroes?

Today is truly one of the best days of the year, as the third installment of The Expendables franchise hits theaters, and I get to enjoy my favorite pastime of reading movie critics who take themselves way too seriously complaining that these aren’t good movies. The Expendables 3, like the two wonderful action masterpieces before it, is expected to be a ridiculous, nonsensical and downright stupid and explosive romp that features most of the greatest action stars in movie history, as well as a few newcomers who are looking to make their own impacts on the blockbuster genre. We will laugh, we will groan, and we will laugh again as these aging A-listers blow a bunch of sh*t up and kill all of the bad guys in sight, and those of us who know what to expect from The Expendables 3 will walk out of our theaters feeling like we just spent two hours of our time very wisely.

But as I waited patiently for The Expendables 3 to hit theaters last night so I can see it at some point this weekend, I started wondering again – If I could pick my own team of Expendables, which movie action stars would I want to take into awesome, over-the-top battle with me (or more like on my behalf, because I’m a delicate but manly flower)? Even better, I thought, what if I didn’t have an endless supply of action stars to choose from, as if some person or persons was also picking his own group of Expendables at the same time? And then it hit me – let’s have Bagel Bites for lunch. Then it hit me again – what if we had an Expendables fantasy draft, and I take on seven of my UPROXXian colleagues in a strategic battle of building the ultimate team of action movie badasses?

Behold, the results of our first ever Expendables Fantasy Draft, and we challenge you, our beloved badass readers to vote for whichever team of Expendables you think is the best, based on the analysis we have provided.

#1 Pick: Vince Mancini

Arnold Schwarzenegger (1)
Charles Bronson (16)
Tony Jaa (17)
Robert Downey Jr. (32)
Vladimir Putin (33)
Gary Busey (48)
Kareem Abdul Jabbar (49)
Truckasaurus (64)

I think my team is pretty self-explanatory. Arnold is inarguably the greatest action star ever (this is fantasy, so we’re talking Commando-era Arnold), and with Gary Busey around we’re sure to have the best one-liners, like “Speak into the microphone, Squidbrain!” and “Bird season’s over, Butthorn.” And I’m definitely envisioning a scene where Tony Jaa rides around on Kareem’s shoulders inside a 12-foot trench coat. I don’t know why Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Tony Jaa would need to pretend to be one, 12-foot-tall Thai man, but we can work that part out later. Truckasaurus would obviously be the muscle because he breathes fire and eats cars. And of course Putin would be the team’s sensitive animal lover who everyone is always yelling at to put on a shirt.

Burnsy’s Grade: B+; Arnold’s the Marshall Faulk of fantasy Expendables picks, but the whole team is going to have to pick up the slack for Busey’s craziness.

#2 Pick: Dan Seitz

Kurt Russell (2)
Angelina Jolie (15)
Donnie Yen (18)
Dolph Lundgren (31)
Stephen Chow (34)
The Xenomorph (47)
Terry Crews (50)
Viggo Mortensen (63)

It’s pretty straightforward, really: Lundgren the genius for strategy and convincing robots to fight with us, Yen can hand the hand-to-hand/ground fighting, as demonstrated in Flash Point, Crews is heavy weaponry, Jolie is gun-fu/ranged weapons, Stephen Chow can beat the hell out of large groups, the Xenomorph handles stealth, Russell is Jack Fucking Burton, and Viggo can brutally murder you with just his bare hands and his dick out. Really, the rest are just back-up in case Viggo needs a Gatorade.