Expendables Fantasy Draft: How Would You Assemble Your Perfect Team Of Action Heroes?

Today is truly one of the best days of the year, as the third installment of The Expendables franchise hits theaters, and I get to enjoy my favorite pastime of reading movie critics who take themselves way too seriously complaining that these aren’t good movies. The Expendables 3, like the two wonderful action masterpieces before it, is expected to be a ridiculous, nonsensical and downright stupid and explosive romp that features most of the greatest action stars in movie history, as well as a few newcomers who are looking to make their own impacts on the blockbuster genre. We will laugh, we will groan, and we will laugh again as these aging A-listers blow a bunch of sh*t up and kill all of the bad guys in sight, and those of us who know what to expect from The Expendables 3 will walk out of our theaters feeling like we just spent two hours of our time very wisely.

But as I waited patiently for The Expendables 3 to hit theaters last night so I can see it at some point this weekend, I started wondering again – If I could pick my own team of Expendables, which movie action stars would I want to take into awesome, over-the-top battle with me (or more like on my behalf, because I’m a delicate but manly flower)? Even better, I thought, what if I didn’t have an endless supply of action stars to choose from, as if some person or persons was also picking his own group of Expendables at the same time? And then it hit me – let’s have Bagel Bites for lunch. Then it hit me again – what if we had an Expendables fantasy draft, and I take on seven of my UPROXXian colleagues in a strategic battle of building the ultimate team of action movie badasses?

Behold, the results of our first ever Expendables Fantasy Draft, and we challenge you, our beloved badass readers to vote for whichever team of Expendables you think is the best, based on the analysis we have provided.

#1 Pick: Vince Mancini

Arnold Schwarzenegger (1)
Charles Bronson (16)
Tony Jaa (17)
Robert Downey Jr. (32)
Vladimir Putin (33)
Gary Busey (48)
Kareem Abdul Jabbar (49)
Truckasaurus (64)

I think my team is pretty self-explanatory. Arnold is inarguably the greatest action star ever (this is fantasy, so we’re talking Commando-era Arnold), and with Gary Busey around we’re sure to have the best one-liners, like “Speak into the microphone, Squidbrain!” and “Bird season’s over, Butthorn.” And I’m definitely envisioning a scene where Tony Jaa rides around on Kareem’s shoulders inside a 12-foot trench coat. I don’t know why Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Tony Jaa would need to pretend to be one, 12-foot-tall Thai man, but we can work that part out later. Truckasaurus would obviously be the muscle because he breathes fire and eats cars. And of course Putin would be the team’s sensitive animal lover who everyone is always yelling at to put on a shirt.

Burnsy’s Grade: B+; Arnold’s the Marshall Faulk of fantasy Expendables picks, but the whole team is going to have to pick up the slack for Busey’s craziness.

#2 Pick: Dan Seitz

Kurt Russell (2)
Angelina Jolie (15)
Donnie Yen (18)
Dolph Lundgren (31)
Stephen Chow (34)
The Xenomorph (47)
Terry Crews (50)
Viggo Mortensen (63)

It’s pretty straightforward, really: Lundgren the genius for strategy and convincing robots to fight with us, Yen can hand the hand-to-hand/ground fighting, as demonstrated in Flash Point, Crews is heavy weaponry, Jolie is gun-fu/ranged weapons, Stephen Chow can beat the hell out of large groups, the Xenomorph handles stealth, Russell is Jack Fucking Burton, and Viggo can brutally murder you with just his bare hands and his dick out. Really, the rest are just back-up in case Viggo needs a Gatorade.

Burnsy’s Grade: A-; The key to fantasy drafts like this is taking who you want when you want, as long as you feel he won’t be there at your next pick. Is Russell a No. 2 pick? Probably not, but he wouldn’t have lasted.

#3 Pick: Andrew Roberts

Bruce Willis (3)
Chow Yun-Fat (14)
Clint Eastwood (19)
Roddy Piper (30)
Mel Gibson (35)
Gizmo in Gremlins 2 (46)
Geena Davis (51)
Brian Bosworth (62)

Bosworth and Piper are clearly my muscle (or were my muscle). Gibson is my wild wheelman and distraction, leading these other suckers on an offensive journey into his psyche. Willis and Chow Yun-Fat are my co-leaders, calling the shots and leading the charge with quips and doves. Eastwood is their old mentor, bursting from retirement with grit and some kind of fantasy gun that doesn’t kill him when he shoots it. Davis is the wild card. The lone wolf that is brought in and decides to help out. Finally, Gizmo is the nuclear option of the team. When things get to pushed too far, he’s got to clean up the mess.

Burnsy’s Grade: C; There’s a lot of attitude in this group, but not a lot of versatility. Even worse, as soon as Gizmo gets wet, he’ll turn on the whole group.

#4 Pick: Brandon Stroud

Bruce Lee (4)
Jackie Chan (13)
Steve Austin (20)
Sonny Chiba (29)
Ronda Rousey (36)
Godzilla (45)
Toshiro Mifune (52)
Rudy Ray Moore (61)

First things first, a team with Godzilla on it should beat the other teams. “Oh, look, I’ve got Jean Claude Van Damme. WHO CARES, GODZILLA.” Godzilla can destroy entire civilizations by himself. The only time Godzilla loses is when he DECIDES to. Can Predator beat Godzilla? Of course not. What’s Jaws gonna do? Is the team with Jaws on it gonna drive around a big semi truck with a salt water tank on the back and throw people into it so they’ll get attacked by Jaws?

The team around Godzilla (that ensures Godzilla achieves his goals) is bulletproof. You’ve got Bruce Lee, who is the only person on here I might say had a chance against Godzilla. Bruce Lee too straight for you? You’ve got Jackie Chan, a guy who can take more damage than any living human and come through in the clutch. Toshiro Mifune and Sonny Chiba should be able to brutally handle anyone Bruce and Jackie can’t handle. So you don’t think this team is a racist thing, I’ve also got Ronda Rousey and Stone Cold Steve Austin on hand to dish out an American-style ass-whomping. I’ve seen Steve Austin beat up 30 people at once by grabbing their heads and sitting down. You’ve got armbars and thrown beers and vehicular manslaughter everywhere. If all that’s not enough, f*cking DOLEMITE is there to judo chop you and shoot you with a gun. The end.

Best team. No contest.

Burnsy’s Grade: A; B-Stroud wasn’t f*cking around with the badassery, and even when Godzilla lays down for his nap in the middle of a fight, he’ll still have guys blowing up the bad guys.

#5 Pick: Ashley Burns

Sylvester Stallone (5)
The Rock (12)
Channing Tatum (21)
Steve McQueen (28)
Wesley Snipes (37)
Jaws (44)
Jet Li (53)
Pam Grier (60)

When you look at all of the picks made by my colleagues, the most important thing to look at is value and where it was selected. Sylvester Stallone at No. 5 was basically giving me the No. 2 pick, and then The Rock at 12 was like giving me the No. 3 pick, because Arnold would have still been No. 1. After that, a complete “team” of Expendables has to feature members with different traits. C-Tates can charm and dance his way out of capture at the hands of Amazonian warrior queens, while Pam Grier could use her sexuality to overthrow any male captors. There’s no better driver in movie history than Steve McQueen, and when it comes to an amphibious assault, Jaws will eat just about everyone. Jet Li is small, fast and still a complete badass, so he’s a five-star Expendable, but my clincher is Snipes. Dude’s the most powerful vampire in the history of the world. He f*cking killed Dracula! If anybody tries to get supernatural on our asses, Blade’s got that sh*t handled.

Burnsy’s Grade: A+, obviously. Step to this team, you best come correct.

#6 Pick: A. Isaac

Harrison Ford (6)
John Wayne (11)
Jean Claude Van Damme (22)
Will Smith (27)
Uma Thurman (38)
The Predator (43)
Matt Damon (54)
Brigitte Nielsen (59)

You want versatility? Well, this team boasts young and old, a Western star, a guy from Star Wars, Jason Bourne and the greatest female assassin the world has ever known. And oh yeah, did I mention the Predator? Because I got him. Game over. I win.

Burnsy’s Grade: B; A lot of attitude and skill, plus Red Sonja Brigitte Nielsen is untouchable. It’s insane to think Flava Flav ended up with her.

#7 Pick: Danger Guerrero

Nic Cage (7)
Tom Cruise (10)
Vin Diesel (23)
Denzel Washington (26)
Keanu Reeves (39)
Steven Seagal (42)
DMX (55)
Air Bud (58)

The key to my team is the way the individual members can be paired off. Nicolas Cage and Vin Diesel are a good match because they’re both comfortable driving illegally obtained muscle cars. (Also, because Vin Diesel seems pretty cool and I bet he would say yes if you asked him to help you steal the Declaration of Independence.) Keanu Reeves and Steven Seagal can keep each other entertained with weird-ass mystical talk about martial arts. Tom Cruise and Denzel Washington lend a little credibility to the operation, provided they don’t fall into a never-ending loop of Cruise laughing and shouting “YES!” with Denzel chuckling and replying “My man.” And DMX and Air Bud, I mean, that one’s self-explanatory. Put them all on a transport plane and ship them off to whichever war-torn nation looks the most war-torn at that particular moment. Problem solved.

Burnsy’s Grade: A-; A ton of value happening here, with Seagal late and even Vin Diesel in the third round. The only drawback is Air Bud’s shorter lifespan.

#8 Pick: Josh Kurp

Patrick Swayze (8)
Sigourney Weaver (9)
Jason Statham (24)
Robocop (25)
The T-Rex from Jurassic Park (40)
Ving Rhames (41)
Joe Don Baker (56)
Estelle Getty (57)

Picture it: Patrick Swayze throat rips Vladimir Putin, then Sigourney Weaver shoots Pol Pot with a SPACE gun, then Jason Statham yells “OI YOU FACKIN’ C*NT” before hurricane kicking Kim Jong-un, then Peter Weller tells Hitler to come with him, not alive but dead, then the T-Rex from Jurassic Park, Ving Rhames, and Mom from Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot stomp, sass, and ball-gag Justin Bieber to death. Meanwhile, Joe Don Baker eats a sandwich, farts, then everyone passes out. They’re the perfect crime-fighting (and -farting) team.

Burnsy’s Grade: C; With a lot of great action stars still out there on the waiver wire, Kurp went cute with his last pick and possibly put his entire team of Expendables at risk.

(Truckasaurus image via, movie images via Warner Bros., Sony, Universal, Columbia, Lionsgate, MGM, 20th Century Fox, Golden Princess Film, New Line Cinema, Marvel Studios, Disney, Sahamongkol Film International, Mandarin Films, Cannon Films, Focus Features, WWE Films)