How To Make The Perfect Action Franchise — ‘The Expendables’ — Even More Perfect

On Thursday night, the most anticipated third film of a franchise in the history of motion pictures opens nationwide, and fans of action movies will rejoice as they shout, “The Expendables!” at the screen. Or maybe I’m the only one who does that and that’s why people always get so mad at me, but it would probably be so much better if they all just yelled it with me. Regardless, The Expendables 3 is almost upon us, and the third film’s lineup is even more explosive than the lineups of the first and second films combined. (That’s not to say that those movies weren’t good, as they tie for the best action movies ever, and should soon be joined by The Expendables 3, according to the one person who voted in my fan club survey.)

But like most fans of 80s and 90s action movies, I’m always thinking about what’s next. How is the next movie going to evolve beyond what we’re watching in this current movie, and how will the movie after that blow our minds even more, and how will the next five movies after those get extreme and violent all over our American asses? We already know that The Expendables 4 is being discussed, with Sylvester Stallone still very much on board and in charge, while Randy Couture is definitely in the mix as well, because, let’s face it, what the hell else is he doing? Stallone has reportedly said that Jackie Chan is a “priority” and there’s a rumor that Pierce Brosnan is attached. Also, if you believe the information on the Expendables Wiki site, John Travolta might play the bad guy, Hulk Hogan is on board, Robert de Niro is in talks, Steven Seagal is finally getting over his beef with Jean Claude Van Damme, who is also returning as his Expendables 2 character’s twin brother, and if Travolta isn’t going to be the bad guy, then The Rock might be on board.

But those are all just rumors at this point, and only Stallone and the Lionsgate brass know what will happen, if it even happens. As the self-proclaimed World’s Biggest Expendables Fan, I want to transcend speculation and rumors by taking over the entire franchise and casting The Expendables 4 myself, so that I know it will be done properly and in the best interest of creating the new greatest action movie ever made.

First thing’s first, I know that the poster should say The Expendables IV, but I’m not in charge of the marketing and promotional team. I’m only the casting director, probably the movie’s writer and eventually one of the stars when they realize how brilliant I am. So first up on the cast addition is Nic Cage as Vern Rattler, a deadly ninja for hire. I don’t know how he hasn’t been in the franchise all along, but I’ll assume it’s because he was busy secretly working on National Treasure: Blackbeard’s Moon Emeralds.

Next up, we’re going to do something unprecedented and merge the Expendables franchise with Fast and Furious. It’s not because Fast and Furious is on the same page or anything, but its stars deserve to be in a real action movie for once and not something that sounds like a bunch of kids shouting, “VROOOM!” in between lines of dialogue barely good enough for softcore porn. So Vin Diesel’s in as Dom Toretto, but he rides horses now.

And the Rock is probably going to be in The Expendables 4 anyway, but just in case, let’s add him now as Hobbs, and he will have a mustache and wear a comically small bowler hat.

Hulk Hogan is going to be in this one way or another, but I want him to play himself in a meta role that takes him right out of the ring and puts him right into action. He’ll be joined by his love interest, Jasmine Cooch, played by his daughter, Brooke.

Then John Cena shows up and he’s like, “Hey Expendables, take me with you, I’m a hero also,” but Barney is all, “But are you?” and they all pretend like they have phone calls and then Nikki Bella shows up and says, “It’s okay, John, buy me stuff.”

The first stop is in Paris, where the Expendables have to bust their old friend and hitman, Frenchy LePunch, out of a secret prison beneath the Eiffel Tower, where he was locked away after he was framed for convincing French children to quit smoking.

He’s being held captive by a former Navy boxer turned underground fighting champion and black market organ thief, Iron Johnson, played by a much younger Mike Tyson.

In order to stop him, though, the Expendables have to find and recruit his father and the man who trained the Expendables, Steel Johnson, who will be played by Carl Weathers.

He retired to a French farm with his longtime service (and now life) partner, Scorpion Pantalones, who is played by Jesse Ventura.

They can’t go anywhere without their gardener and bodyguard, whose life they saved back in the war with no name, which was fought in the 70s on an uncharted island in an ocean that hasn’t been discovered yet. Some real heavy shit, ya dig? His name is Teach Weintraub and he’s played by Mr. T.

His son, Torch, who he thinks is dead and vice versa, is the number one muscleman working for the bad guy (Steven Seagal and John Travolta as Siamese Twins) and is played by Rampage Jackson.

Once Torch finds out that his dad isn’t dead, he must fight his bad guy counterpart to get out of the villain gang. His name is London Bridge and he’ll be played by Vinnie Jones.

Meanwhile, everyone’s racing to locate an American soldier who has been MIA since the Vietnam War. His name is Private Bang Jester, and he’s played by Bill Murray.

Tony Jaa plays a notorious hacker named Cheech Firewall, and he’s hot on the trail of Jester, who is in possession of a book that contains the secret plans for a bomb that can wipe a city out with none of the mess that comes with nukes. He wears glasses so you know he’s a computer guy.

At the same time, the Expendables call their own computer genius into action, and his name is Tech Vertebrae (Michael Jai White). He also wears glasses.

Naturally, the Expendables don’t know anything about the way of the samurai, so they bring in history professor/assassin Victoria Q. Grenade (Sigourney Weaver) to school them on stopping the dead from being raised.

She promised her daughter, Jacklyn Grenade-Flame (Milla Jovovich), that she was done with killing for good, but they both know better, so Jacklyn agrees to go with her to help.

Victoria’s ex-husband, Greg Grenade (Burt Reynolds), is training elephants for combat in war-torn Africa, but he has never stopped loving her, despite his promise to keep his distance from her and their daughter. His intel lets him know that they’re joining the Expendables, so he secretly sends word to Barney that he’ll assist from afar in any way that he can.

Then Keanu Reeves shows up as Neo, who helps keep the Matrix from destroying the Expendables. There will be a really rad fight scene and Neo will slow down the bullets. Just wait, it’s going to be rad.

And then Kevin Hart shows up, because he’s in everything, and he’s just a tourist trying to enjoy a vacation with his family, but they simply can’t escape hijinks!

Oh, and I totally forgot that Batista is one of the bad guys, because he’s the perfect bad guy for movies like this. His name is Zeke Ballbuster.

His wife, Charlene Ballbuster, will be played by the underrated and unappreciated Cynthia Rothrock. Actually, she’s pretty up there in age now, so let’s say she’s his mom.

And if Cynthia Rothrock is going to be in it, I guess I need to include Jeff Speakman. But he’s going to be uncredited, because I never really liked him.

The Expendables also need the help of a wise, retired Air Force colonel, so Louis Gossett, Jr. is going to reprise his role as Chappy Sinclair from Iron Eagle since the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences still doesn’t have the balls to honor him properly.

The bad guys will have to unearth the dragon eggs to awaken the samurai army, so they’ll need the help of an archaeologist named Trevor Dirtdigger (Brendan Fraser), and he just so happens to be Toll Road’s cousin.

Out of nowhere, both the Expendables and the bad guys find themselves attacked by a third party, as a gang of war criminals led by El Diablo (Danny Trejo) has plans to conquer the planet.

But then a female merc group led by Bazooka Jane (Linda Hamilton) steps in to stop them, because El Diablo never called her after a one-night stand in 1985, which we get to see in a flashback that features full penetration.

The Expendables are in trouble and one of them is about to be killed! Fortunately, it’s Grunt Peener, a new recruit played by Ryan Reynolds.

But he’s so overexposed as an actor, so he’s killed immediately in a really graphic explosion.

Finally, sensing the ultimate doom of the Expendables, an exterminator named Zed (Sean Connery) comes out of nowhere to save them all while sacrificing himself.

But it wasn’t enough, because a portal to another dimension had been opened by an alien computer virus, and Bearsharktopus (voiced by Donald Trump) arrives on Earth to enslave the human race forever!

Fortunately, Special Agent Cole Baretta (Channing Tatum) and his sidekick Pit Bull (voiced by Pitbull) hear a distress signal from their space station penthouse, and they come back down to Earth to put an end to Bearsharktopus… for now!

(Photoshop credits: Official PSDs, the WWE, UFC/Zuffa, Lionsgate, 20th Century Fox, Paramount, Maxim, Getty, CBS Films, ABC, NBC, Columbia Pictures, Buena Vista Pictures)