How To Make The Perfect Action Franchise — ‘The Expendables’ — Even More Perfect

On Thursday night, the most anticipated third film of a franchise in the history of motion pictures opens nationwide, and fans of action movies will rejoice as they shout, “The Expendables!” at the screen. Or maybe I’m the only one who does that and that’s why people always get so mad at me, but it would probably be so much better if they all just yelled it with me. Regardless, The Expendables 3 is almost upon us, and the third film’s lineup is even more explosive than the lineups of the first and second films combined. (That’s not to say that those movies weren’t good, as they tie for the best action movies ever, and should soon be joined by The Expendables 3, according to the one person who voted in my fan club survey.)

But like most fans of 80s and 90s action movies, I’m always thinking about what’s next. How is the next movie going to evolve beyond what we’re watching in this current movie, and how will the movie after that blow our minds even more, and how will the next five movies after those get extreme and violent all over our American asses? We already know that The Expendables 4 is being discussed, with Sylvester Stallone still very much on board and in charge, while Randy Couture is definitely in the mix as well, because, let’s face it, what the hell else is he doing? Stallone has reportedly said that Jackie Chan is a “priority” and there’s a rumor that Pierce Brosnan is attached. Also, if you believe the information on the Expendables Wiki site, John Travolta might play the bad guy, Hulk Hogan is on board, Robert de Niro is in talks, Steven Seagal is finally getting over his beef with Jean Claude Van Damme, who is also returning as his Expendables 2 character’s twin brother, and if Travolta isn’t going to be the bad guy, then The Rock might be on board.

But those are all just rumors at this point, and only Stallone and the Lionsgate brass know what will happen, if it even happens. As the self-proclaimed World’s Biggest Expendables Fan, I want to transcend speculation and rumors by taking over the entire franchise and casting The Expendables 4 myself, so that I know it will be done properly and in the best interest of creating the new greatest action movie ever made.

First thing’s first, I know that the poster should say The Expendables IV, but I’m not in charge of the marketing and promotional team. I’m only the casting director, probably the movie’s writer and eventually one of the stars when they realize how brilliant I am. So first up on the cast addition is Nic Cage as Vern Rattler, a deadly ninja for hire. I don’t know how he hasn’t been in the franchise all along, but I’ll assume it’s because he was busy secretly working on National Treasure: Blackbeard’s Moon Emeralds.

Next up, we’re going to do something unprecedented and merge the Expendables franchise with Fast and Furious. It’s not because Fast and Furious is on the same page or anything, but its stars deserve to be in a real action movie for once and not something that sounds like a bunch of kids shouting, “VROOOM!” in between lines of dialogue barely good enough for softcore porn. So Vin Diesel’s in as Dom Toretto, but he rides horses now.

And the Rock is probably going to be in The Expendables 4 anyway, but just in case, let’s add him now as Hobbs, and he will have a mustache and wear a comically small bowler hat.

Hulk Hogan is going to be in this one way or another, but I want him to play himself in a meta role that takes him right out of the ring and puts him right into action. He’ll be joined by his love interest, Jasmine Cooch, played by his daughter, Brooke.