Kevin James Is Set To Star In ‘Memoirs Of An International Assassin,’ AKA Paul Blart: International Assassin

With Melissa McCarthy’s Spy on June 5th kicking off what’s sure to become a Hollywood fetish for portly assassins, and Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 currently mouthfarting its way to $76 million worldwide, putting Kevin James in a spy movie seems like an obvious play. The news out of Cannes, according to the Hollywood Reporter, is that James will star in True Memoirs Of An International Assassin, from Kick-Ass 2 director Jeff Wadlow (incidentally, Kick-Ass 2 was horrible). Gosh, I wonder if there will be any jokes about him falling down.

According to PalmStar, the script centers on “a mild-mannered accountant and would-be author (who) is mistaken for a killer-for-hire when his fictional novel about an international assassin is published as a true story. Trying to escape his sudden fame and celebrity, he heads to Belize but is immediately entangled in an assassination plot.  Thrown into a world of real danger, he must find a way to channel his lead character Colt Rodgers and save the day.
” [THR]

Todd Garner, who produced the Paul Blart films, will produce with PalmStar Media’s Kevin Frakes will produce alongside Raja Collins and Justin Begnaud (A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night), and Media Media’s Raj Brinder Singh (American Ultra). Hey Eddie’s Jeff Sussman (Zookeeper) and PalmStar Media’s Mark Fasano and Buddy Patrick will be exec producers. [Deadline]

Can everyone reading this imagine every single beat of that movie without seeing it? Femme fatale, famous actor playing the self-aware heavy, Paul Blart falling on or near a fancy car… Okay, good. Now, can we vote that they don’t have to make it? …No? Dang. That should really be a thing.

You know, at least Chris Farley had the decency to be a needy, drunken, self-destructive mess. Kevin James seems happy, well-adjusted, and brilliant at making money for his loving family. It makes me want to puke.