Editor’s Note: I’m mostly neutral on Kevin Smith, but one of our long-time commenters had a dislike for Kevin Smith so intoxicating (more because of its intensity that its target), that I now just let him write up most Kevin Smith news. Enjoy.
Earlier this week on his podcast, Kevin Smith – who was in the midst of a movie pitch about a shaggy white loner who wakes up one day with the ability to poop arcade tokens on command, and who uses those tokens to win the affections of the prize girl at Dave & Busters, only to find out that she’s actually, like, a total dyke, and sh*t – managed to accidentally meander into lucidity and announce some actual news about the only movie franchise his fans even care about:
Jay and Silent Bob are coming back for Clerks III!
Yes, you read that right. The two most popular characters in the Clerks universe will also be in the new Clerks movie. Oh, and it was also announced that the first part of the movie will be in black and white, and the rest in color. It will kind of be like that scene in Schindler’s List with the girl in the red dress, only far more depressing.
Joining him on the podcast for this announcement was someone named Jeff Anderson. According to Google, he’s either an actor from the earlier Clerks movies, or a backup place kicker for the Montreal Alouettes. Either way, white and boring.
“Yeah, [Clerks III is] a very different movie and that’s what I like about it. Clerks II was a very different movie from 1, but it wasn’t THAT different. Clerks III . . . still not THAT different, but different in a different way. Different, different, different, different.”
…Jesus. Jeff has the eloquence of my nephew Dylan, who as an infant took a donkey hoof straight to the fontanelle. Anyway, thank god they could land Jeff Anderson. Gotta lock a guy like that down. Apparently he’ll be reprising his role as Randal. So you all can finally cool it with your online petitions and hashtag campaigns. JEFF ANDERSON IS BACK, BABY.
“I like where [the story] f*cking goes so much. It’s my favorite soap opera now. It’s kinda like The Empire Strikes Back of the Clerks movies. It doesn’t tell the middle story, but it has that kinda feeling.”
“Chronologically, it’s like The Empire Strikes Back, except not all.” I get the feeling that Kevin Smith thinks Star Wars references still send nerd hearts aflutter. That’s the only explanation for shoehorning an Empire reference in there. But that damned movie came out 34 years ago at this point. Do nerds even care about Star Wars anymore? Judging from Twitter, the only thing that gets nerds riled up these days is meekly suggesting that maybe women shouldn’t be raped for calling Crash Bandicoot a misogynist.
Anyway, Smith says that he hopes to start filming Clerks III in June 2015. But, you know, only if production is finished on Krampus. Also no word yet on when Moose Jaws will being filming, which could impact things. Nor have we heard about the status of Grundlepuss. Only one of those titles is made up, folks. The point is, expect my descent into madness to continue unabated as Kevin Smith drags his diabetes-ravaged feet on this. He’ll be milking these Clerks III announcements harder than poor Dylan tried to milk that donkey. Yet suffer no consequences.