Last Week’s Hot Links, With Laremy

Note: Hi, I’m Laremy, welcome to my old column. Rhetorical question: What will this column be? A collection of links you can read, along with really solid commentary. Most will be movie related, but some will just be good ol’ frisky fun, because we can’t read about movies all the time. Now, I’m not saying this column will change the world, but it will definitely rock it to its core. Let’s get in there!

Four Columbia House insiders explain the shady math behind ‘8 CDs for a penny’ – From The Onion A.V. Club

I can’t be the only one who looked at this deal back in the day and thought, “8 friggin’ compact discs! For a penny? Are they fools?” The first disc I ordered, my first CD ever, was the Dances with Wolves Soundtrack. Even back then I knew how to party. Women swooned.

Best quote from the article:

It was an amazing combination of “We are ripping you off like no one has ever ripped anyone off as a per-unit basis,” but “We are also building a time bomb that’s going to flatten us forever.”

The above article is mostly a conversation about The Target Shoots First, a documentary about working at Columbia House. If you factor in that hour of entertainment, then you’ve now gotten an hour of entertainment from this article. Result!

Interview With A Former Porn Addict Who Is Also My Ex-Boyfriend – From The Hairpin

While we’ve got the documentary train rolling, here’s the story of Run Run It’s Him, perhaps the worst possible marketing name for a film about porn addiction. I’d have gone with The Porn Identity.

Best quote from the article:

I’ll never forget the time I walked into a store, and this teenager was in there, and he was trying to decide on which fake vagina to buy, and he wanted to know why one of the fake vaginas was 10 dollars more than the other one. And the clerk was like, “I just work here because I can’t get a better job. I’m not here because they looked at my resume and said, Wow, you really know your stuff.”

There’s an intellectual conversation around porn to be had, but this isn’t the place nor time to have it, though the comment section probably is. Basically, I’m not here because they looked at my resume and said, “Wow, you really know your stuff.”

The ‘Ferris Bueller Fight Club’ theory and other fan conspiracies are sending people on Reddit into a tailspin – from Business Insider

A compilation of the top wackadoo Reddit threads re: movie conspiracy theories.

Best quote from the article:

“I’m a big fan of the theory that Kevin from Home Alone grows up to be Jigsaw.”

I’m not a big fan of that. In general, these sorts of theories seem like more wank-off fests than truly interesting thoughts – with the exception being that Pixar one where it’s all the same universe. That thing blew my mind, at least until Brave came out.

Poll: Would You Have Sex With This Talking Sex Robot? – From Adequate Man

Another documentary! Talk about value for your click dollar! I should tell you the “poll” on this is bogus because the robot is as creepy as Vince’s mom. It actually links IRL to a “NY Times” story that has a video series called Robotica and that’s where you learn more about robo-sex. You perv.

Best quote from the article:

Mr. McMullen is first focusing on developing convincing artificial intelligence, and a robotic head that can blink and open and close its mouth.

Ummm, heeeeey guys, I’m not totally sure I need it to be able to close its mouth …

The Unkillable Demon King – From ESPN

Great title, and also the name of my boner from high school. This gets hardcore into Korean e-sports gaming (we really need a better name for it than that, btw) and a kid who goes by the name of “Faker.” His real name is Lee Sang-hyeok, so you can see why he changed it. The Sang-hyeok clan hasn’t gotten strange in decades.

Best quote from the article:

When I spot a roving pack of muscle-bound bros in tank tops wearing backward FSU hats, I assume they’re lost — until I notice one of them is carrying a sign that says NERF IRELIA, a hyper­specific joke about a League champion. They are all pumping their fists.

I’ve decided I want to be into watching competitive video games, as I mostly just sit around anyway, why not do it while watching teens? I mean watching them play games. On the computer.

John Oliver Rules – From LefSetz

It’s just a listicle, but I want any chance to turn people onto John Oliver. He’s the tits.

Best quote from the article:

In a world where we die from a thousand cuts from which there is no judge, jury or justice, only a shrug of the shoulders, we unite behind someone who is pissed at the small stuff as well as the big.

Any show that has come up with this bit has my eternal love:

#Lighten Up – From The Nib

Clearly, comic books are whiter than … what’s something that’s white? But I haven’t seen any studies that were smart enough to get into hexadecimal color IDs. Next level thought exercise. Here we have a cartoon essay about one cartoonist’s forays into being told to make his characters a whiter shade, worth the 90 seconds it takes to read.

Best quote from the article:

Is this racist?

Yeah, but what about Idris Elba as Heimdall?! (punches self in face)

‘Entourage’ and the Death of Hollywood Cool – From The Daily Beast

The Daily Beast would have you believe that Entourage didn’t change, we did, as a society. It’s not a bad theory, but my counterargument is that the people who liked Entourage the TV show liked Entourage the movie – there just never were all that many of them. [Vince’s Note: As I’ll never stop reminding everyone, Entourage isn’t bad because the characters are “douchebags,” it’s bad because the characters don’t have personalities.]

Best quote from the article:

Post-1 Night in Paris, all it took was a little bump ‘n’ grind.

It’s like with people who like pineapple on pizza. There aren’t all that many of them – but when you meet one they really stand out.

I have an idea for a movie to be made by Christopher Nolan, like Inception. How can I contact Nolan or other directors of his caliber? – From Quora

My favorite Quora question of the week because it shows the ultimate naivete of the human spirit. “Hey,” someone thinks, “I’ve got a super good idea. I need to get that Batman guy’s contact info!”

Best quote from the article:

In short, you don’t do that – it isn’t how filmmaking works.

I almost wish the person had told them how to find Christopher Nolan. Monitor Twitter for mentions of “Hey, I am sitting next to Christopher Nolan or someone who looks much like him!” and then fly there. Repeat until you’re close enough to rap at him, then wait for the eventual trial.

The Backlash to Bryce Dallas Howard’s High Heels in Jurassic World Is Grossly Overblown – From Slate

I think the lass who wrote this, Gabrielle Moss, is probably right. The film was goofy enough that BDH wearing heels both fit right in and made things more interesting overall.

Best quote from the article:

I doubt that the heels wrote the scene where Claire’s sister chides her for her lack of interest in children.

You don’t have to doubt it sister – I know they didn’t write that scene because heels don’t have agency. They are inanimate, like Donald Trump’s hair (COME AT ME, BRO).

The quick, offstage choreography of SNL costume changes – From The Onion A.V. Club

I’m always fascinated by SNL and live TV in general. This is a long-form interview on an SNL costumer changer person, also called a “dresser” if you’re not a nimrod. As you can imagine given the quick turnarounds and wacky costumes SNL deals with, they’ve seen some cray-bonk moments.

Best quote from the article:

I just did the musical On The Town, and those kids danced so hard, crotches ripped out. You do what you can do.

Words to live by, especially when kids dance so hard their crotches rip right the eff out. You do what you can do.

The newest crop of football players start learning to please sponsors and avoid fumbling endorsement dollars – From Bloomberg

The only thing more depressing than sideline interviews with coaches is players learning how to robot-speak. But this Bloomberg article actually gets into some interesting stats around the dollars being thrown around and the sponsors involved.

Best quote from the article:

He tells them the story of a player from the year before who had to be roused, “buck naked, laid out, sprawled out,” from his bed.

Guy just sleeps hard. No shame in that. Also, is it “butt naked” or “buck”? Why would it be a buck? Yeah, they are naked, but they are always naked, so that would be like saying, “He was dolphin wet.” Butts aren’t always naked, unless you live at my house. So clarifying the butt was actually naked makes more sense to me. Now YOU decide.

DreamWorks Animation, Chinese partners bet big on ‘Kung Fu Panda 3 – From The L.A. Times

Here are two facts for you. 1) Kung Fu Panda 2 is the highest-grossing film from a female director ever. 2) I fell asleep during it at Cannes. Correlation isn’t causation there, I was jet-lagged, but the KFP franchise still kind of sucks. [Vince’s Note: I enjoy that Laremy flew all the way to France so that he could see Kung Fu Panda 2.]

Best quote from the article:

“We were trying to come up with fun things the characters do — what they eat, how they play,” she said. “As Western story artists, one of the things we put in was cookies. And the Chinese story artists basically said, ‘Ummmm. You can’t put in cookies, you have to put in traditional food.'”

Well LA DEE FREAKIN’ DAH. Now Chinese Communists are telling us how to eat food?! What’s next? Thanks Obama! If we can’t wash away all semblances of authenticity and cultural diversity anymore then I’m not even sure why Hollywood exists, smh.

Lucasfilm’s Rob Bredow talks about plans for virtual reality ‘Star Wars’ – From The Daily Dot

If you can’t tell by now, I’m obsessed with robot girls, virtual reality, and AI. The reason why is simple: I’m looking to cut out all humans from my life. Now then, I’ve got this idea for a movie, get Chris Nolan on the line, where you have voting panels every ten minutes or so, and it’s a crowd-sourced “choose your own adventure.” Should Neve Campbell die here? 55 percent say, “Yes!” so she’s taking a tomahawk to the dome. Should Chris Hemsworth do the rest of this scene topless? 99 percent press “affirmative” – so get ready to see him performing brain surgery sans gown.

Great idea now given to humanity, this is the story behind ILMxLAB, which is video game folks being woven into ILM. To me, that sounds far better than the J.J. Abrams Star Wizzles.

Best quote from the article:

We actually don’t yet have anything to announce about product availability or what kind of products we’re going to be shipping and when.

Perfect. Play it cool, guys. Play it cool as ice.

Oh, one last thing, if you wanna pre-order my movie about sports you can do that now please. Here’s the trailer!

Laremy is on Twitter and loves lifing.