WATCH: This new Colin Farrell/Russell Crowe movie is the king of all weepies

Akiva Goldsman, who’s known mostly as a writer and producer with screenwriting credit on films like A Beautiful Mind, Cinderella Man, I, Robot, A Time to Kill, Batman Forever and a handful of others, makes his feature directing debut with Winter’s Tale, starring Colin Farrell, Russell Crowe and hot sister number two from Downton Abbey. The magical realist love story combines the three of most overused tearjerker plot devices – time travel, amnesia, a dying love interest – to create something EVEN JERKIER.

I swear to God this is an actual line from the trailer: “Is it possible to love someone so completely that they simply can’t die?”

Long may ye reign, nachos.

I’m actually impressed with the sheer number of Oprah Book Club plots they managed to rip off. You’ve got the man unstuck in time from Time Traveler’s Wife, the reincarnation stuff from Cloud Atlas, the mortality/aging imbalance from Benjamin Button/Twilight/etc., the dying love interest from that one Hilary Swank movie, with a bad guy with a scar on his face and actual angels flying around thrown in for good measure. I heard Nicholas Sparks saw this and said, “Gee, a little heavy-handed, no?”

Get it? Winter’s Tale? Because the dying girl is in the Winter of her life? If Tyler Perry had written this, her name would also be Winter.

“I want to kill him and I want him to stay dead.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA