‘Miami Connection’ has a new trailer. Praise Jesus.

If you took my complete and utter apathy for another three-hour Hobbit movie and reversed the polarity, you’d get Miami Connection, a film that combines mullets, 80s synth-pop, sword fights, ninjas, girls in nightclubs with their boobs flopping everywhere and karate. That guy in the banner image? I chopped his arm off with my boner, that’s how excited I am for this.

Edited by HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN Director Jason Eisner for Drafthouse Films, the trailer for this ’80s martial arts gem packs quite a punch.  MIAMI CONNECTION, directed by 9th degree black belt philosopher/author/inspirational speaker Grandmaster Y.K. Kim, tells the story of fearless synth rock band Dragon Sound as they embark on a roundhouse wreck-wave of crime-crushing justice in the streets of Orlando.

The film began as a rare 35mm print of an obscure, 1987 VHS release bought off eBay for fifty dollars, and it has to be worth millions today, because it’s not often these days you find a shirtless Italian dude with a mullet doing karate who’s not trying to be ironic.

What I want, you got, might be haaaard to haaaandle, like a flaaaame that burns a candle… Sorry, that’s just what happens in my head whenever I look at this picture.

The year is 1987. Motorcycle ninjas tighten their grip on Florida’s narcotics trade, viciously annihilating anyone who dares move in on their turf. Multi-national martial arts rock band Dragon Sound have had enough, and embark on a roundhouse wreck-wave of crime-crushing justice. When not chasing beach bunnies or performing their hit song “Against the Ninja,” Mark (YK Kim) and the boys are kicking and chopping at the drug world’s smelliest underbelly. It’ll take every ounce of their blood and courage, but Dragon Sound can’t stop until they’ve completely destroyed the dealers, the drunk bikers, the kill-crazy ninjas, the middle-aged thugs, the “stupid cocaine”…and the entire MIAMI CONNECTION!!!

It opens this Friday at Fantastic Fest, November in most other places (list of openings here). I can only hope seeing it helps explain that the hell is going on here:

Still, 9th degree black belt philosopher/author/inspirational speaker Grandmaster Kim, while impressive, has quite a few more slashes to go before he matches black belt/blues guitarist/reggae singer/lawman/saddle collector/energy drink magnate/chicken killer/immortality advocate/time traveler/front kick inventor/physiologically unique ejaculator Steven Seagal. Also, I’m guessing “hoagie enthusiast” is in there somewhere.