Michael F. Assbender is an F. Assassin in Assassin's Creed Adaptation

As a studio, in the year of our Lord 2012, the formula for making a movie is simple. Find whatever popular source material you can, be it comic book, video game, or cereal box, and have some joker write it up (known as the “writer”). Then “leak” to the press that you’ve cast a very big name to get the fans excited. But whom shall you cast? Thankfully, these days you’re only allowed to sign Channing Tatum or Michael Fassbender. Why? Because those fellas have the verve, the panache, and the mysterious “buzz” that the French often refer to as “le grand pénis” to make your film a “surefire hit”. Spend a weekend shooting the film, release a countdown clock to when the international teaser trailer launches, and then you count your money. Easy peasy lemon squeazy.

Perfect world? You adapt the movie back into a video game based “somewhat” on the original game the film was “loosely” based upon. Both should be considered “dark” and “gritty” if you’re doing it right. There you go. Now you’re a swordboat captain. Is there anything better in the world?

So, when the news came down from the adaptation gods this morning that Michael Fassbender was set to star in Assassin’s Creed it made complete sense. Fassbender’s best performance came in Shame, a film which one out of every 600 American’s managed to catch in theaters, popcorn and all:

Now then, to be fair, I haven’t played the Assassin’s Creed series, though I’m planning to pick up the new one in October, if only because I’ve always wanted to pit ninjas against redcoats. The first game, according to Wikipedia, goes a little something like this:

The Assassin’s Creed games take place in 2012, featuring the protagonist Desmond Miles, a bartender who is a descendant of several lines of prominent Assassins; though raised as an Assassin, he fled his nomadic family to seek out a more common lifestyle. He is initially kidnapped by the megacorporation Abstergo Industries, the modern-day face of the Knights Templar who are aware of Desmond’s lineage. Desmond is forced to use the “Animus”, a device that allows him to experience his ancestral memories. However the game is not at all related to this story.

I love that “the game is not at all related to this story” angle. That should be a fairly easy screenplay to whip up. I’m also unsure as to why someone raised as an assassin would want a more “common” lifestyle, to do what other common people do, but I’m enthused that he gets kidnapped and press-ganged into killing folks again. You gotta get right back on that killin’ horse.