I won’t mince words, I’m a huge fan of dopey voiceover work. You probably don’t remember this, but a few years ago, Vin Diesel starred in a movie called Babylon AD, and the voiceover in that trailer was so dumb that it inspired me to write fan-fiction with it. But there’s a new contender after the dumb-talk title, After Earth, starring Will Smith and one of his dumb wiener kids, the boy. While you won’t find “From the mind of M. Night Shyamalan…” anywhere near this one (marketing dept finally learned their lesson, it seems), the hard-boiled, half-baked voice over leaves little doubt as to the authorship.
QUICK, TO THE EXPOSITION!
We used to celebrate our planet, once a year, on Earth Day.
As BadassDigest points out, the marketing tie-in here is that Monday was Earth Day, making yesterday… you guessed it, AFTER EARTH DAY. Who cooked this up, Rebecca Black? And Sunday comes after…
But one day… wasn’t enough to save it.
MESSAGE. Yeah, I bet you think you’re doing something, all content to plant your Earth day trees in your Tom’s shoes. Lotta good that’s gonna do you when you’re staring at Will Smith’s dumb face on a space pod after the ice caps melt. Take a look at yourself in the mirror, society.
In 2071, we were forced to leave our world, and find a new home. We never thought we’d return. Crash landed.
I like the “crash landed” part, because it literally describes the exact thing we just watched happen. Also, how bad is this CG?
Son, we are the first humans to set foot on this planet… in over one thousand years.
WELCOME (BACK) TO EARTH!
Everything has evolved to kill humans.
I’m not the first person to point this out, but this sentence betrays a stunning misunderstanding of the nature of evolution on a few levels. First of all, a thousand years is the blink of an eye in evolutionary time. But more importantly, how the f*ck would everything evolve to kill humans on a planet with no humans? A species that’s perfectly adapted to hunting prey that doesn’t exist probably isn’t doing too well. Preparing for the unexpected isn’t really evolution’s “thing.”
Remember: Danger is real, but fear is a choice.
And I’m pro-choice, because pain don’t hurt, impossible is nothing, we must protect this house, HOO HOO!
If we are going to survive this, we fight together.
Damn straight, and we’re going to need all of our dumb wiener kids to stand with us, regardless of how self-serving it seems. Don’t you see?! THIS IS THE ONLY WAY!! (*produces son’s rap video, gives kid shoes with pictures of himself on the side, gives a speech about parenting*)