Clear the way, folks, I’ve got important news to report, and that news is that TOMMY AND THE COOL MULE is now available to watch instantly.
(*talking into stapler*) JANET! CLEAR MY SCHEDULE! (*shoves cats off conference table*)
I first brought you news of this project back in 2009, and let me tell you, This. Project. Has. Everything. First off, I don’t want to bury the lede here: ICE-T STARS AS THE VOICE OF A TALKING MULE. If you’re still reading this and haven’t already clicked through to see the trailer, I’m not sure we can be friends.
Now then, let’s get into specifics:
- At the 15-second mark, when the narrator says, “Growing up without a dad… wasn’t easy,” it must have taken the editor all the restraint in the world not to put a (*RECORD SCRATCH*) in there.
- Hercules‘ Kevin Sorbo plays the greedy developer, who of course wants to foreclose on the family farm while dad is off doing his duty in Iraq. +10 SORBO POINTS
- 32 seconds: “If he wants to become the man of the house… Tommy is going to have to win the big race. …On a MULE!” Again, no record scratch. GOOD GOD, MAN, ARE YOU MADE OF STONE?!?
- 48 seconds: FINALLY, a record scratch. Thank GOD. AND it includes the even more rare VIDEO SCRATCH. Please accept my humblest apologies for ever doubting you, Tommy and the Cool Mule trailer editor guy. If only I’d had someone here telling me to hold strong, like those guys in Braveheart with the pointy sticks.
- 49 seconds: MULE WITH BLING! MULE WITH BLING! (*runs around room with hands above head*)
- 55-seconds: Narrator: “…He’s a TALKING mule!” Smash cut to: Bad Guy: “A talking mule?!?! Don’t be ridiculous!”
- 1:13: Wait, the mule has SUPER powers too? My God, I… I… I’m just so thankful I could be alive right now, you guys.
- 1:24: TOTALLY OUT-OF-CONTEXT WET-SOUNDING MULE FART! TOTALLY OUT-OF-CONTEXT WET-SOUNDING MULE FART! (*runs around room lighting farts*)
- 1:33: Uhhh, did the Ice-T mule morph into the Bryant Gumbel mule at some point? They hint at it with an out-of-context, split-second shot of this:
- We could have a Steve Urkell-Stephon Urquelle-type situation on our hands here. I CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT!
- 1:43: What the f*ck?! Was that magic mule fairy dust?! This movie keeps getting better and better.
- 1:47: Are you prepared for… DOUBLE SORBO GUN FINGAZ!? Even the trailer credits are amazing!
LADIES LOVE COOL SORBO!
GAME OVER, MAN. This is probably going to be the greatest film of all time. Now if you’ll excuse me, folks, I’m off to go find out.