03.19.09 10 years ago 62 Comments

I didn’t feel like devoting an entire post to most of these stories, so here they are in lightning round format.

  • France is awarding David Cronenberg their highest honor, the Legion d’honneur.  Upon hearing the news, Viggo Mortensen ran around with his cock out and strangled a Russian. [Variety]
  • Forrest Whitaker had to drop out of The Expendables and was replaced by 50 Cent. The role now has 100% less Oscars and 50% more functioning eyeballs.  [AICN]
  • An AICN reader with a super gay fake name saw Tom Cruise talk about Mission Impossible 4 on Japanese TV. Three movies, three different directors, now a fourth movie? It’s almost as if this mission has no chance of being completed. [AICN]
  • Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman will co-star in a rom-com.  The hot popular guy and the cute smart girl getting together — OMG this is gonna be just like Sixteen Candles! [Empire]
  • Pixar’s Up will open the Cannes Film Festival, become the first animated film ever to do so. Director Pete Docter, upon hearing the news, shouted, “That’s right, son, we just opened up a Cannes!  Wait, what?  How’s it pronounced now?” [THR]
  • Crank 2 released a new poster via Twitter. THE STATH: Oi, it’s all fock’n black and yellow, donnit?  It’s loike oy’s a fock’n bumble bee, now don’ Oy?  Dat is well fitting, cuz Oy do loike ta poke fit birds wif me stinga.  D’you know what Oy mean?  Oy’s talkin’ about knobbin. [Twitter]
  • And speaking of Twitter, Stephen Colbert went on the Today Show to promote Monsters vs. Aliens and said “twatted”.  In the movie he plays the president, and also in my heart. [WarmingGlow]

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