The other day I gave you all the opportunity to vote on what movie we should see for next week’s frotcast: Toy Story 3, currently tracking 100% on RottenTomatoes, the intriguing Cyrus, or Jonah Hex, of which one reviewer wrote, “The only people who deserve to see Jonah Hex are Hitler and the CEO of BP,” — which is currently tracking worse than Killers.
Since you guys are jerks, you picked Jonah Hex, which you know turned out great because it’s only 72 minutes long. In the hopes that something good can come out of this, I thought we’d use to play the old recreate-the-plot-using-quotes-from-scathing-reviews game (expository only, no analysis!). Here we go!
“Jonah Hex” is a Western set around the town of Stunk Crick. -Ebert
It’s about the lighthearted adventures of a gruff, wisecracking, badly scarred bounty hunter who has all sorts of cool gadgets, like a horse outfitted with Gatling guns -Onion AV Club
Stunk Crick is your standard frontier town with a wide Main Street, a saloon, and a room over the saloon occupied by Lilah, a sexy hooker. Lilah and Jonah are in love, for reasons unexplained. -Ebert
Jonah Hex (people always seem to call him by his full name, as though the extra syllables were needed to fill out the movie’s running time)1 has a face so scarred that when he drinks, whiskey spills out of a hole in his right cheek. The sight is quite the conversation starter: How the heck did Hex (Josh Brolin) get so ugly? -EW 1-AP
During the Civil War, the evil Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich) strapped him to a cross and made him watch as a house containing his family was set afire. Then Turnbull branded Jonah’s face with a hot iron. You can see why Jonah would want his revenge. To be sure, Turnbull isn’t entirely without motive. -Ebert
Hex a 19th-century bounty hunter suffering from Civil War PTS in a wardrobe purchased at the High Plains Drifter Club For Men, accidentally killed Turnbull’s own son. Who, don’t you know, was also Hex’s good friend. Now Hex wants revenge. Which suits President Ulysses S. Grant (Aidan Quinn) just fine. -EW
On the eve of America’s centennial, Turnbull turns terrorist and attempts to destroy Washington D.C. using a 19th-century super-weapon, -Onion AV Club
a molten sphere that turns ordinary cannonballs into great balls of fire. -LA Times
Only one man can stop him, the man he hates most in the world: an elusive, badly scarred bounty hunter who has the ability to briefly raise and converse with the dead. -Onion AV Club
After years as a bounty hunter, friend to no one but the industrious prostitute Lilah (Megan Fox), Hex is called back into service by President Ulysses S. Grant. -AZ Central
One corpse revives long enough to tell Jonah precisely where Quentin Turnbull can be found. -Ebert
One flashback makes three appearances. A fight scene with no dreamlike elements, apart from a sky tinted red in post-production, repeatedly appears as a dream sequence. A chunk of Hex’s origin is told by way of animation for no apparent reason. Narration comes and goes. -Onion AV Club
A Native American village shows up at random. CGI crows. An acid-spitting snake-man. -Onion AV Club
A climactic battle scene takes place in the Potomac River between two iron clad ships. -Ebert
For the climactic battle with Turnbull, Jonah and Lilah join forces. Turnbull has gotten his hands on a super-weapon that can take out most of Washington, constructed by none other than Eli Whitney, creator of the cotton gin. -USA Today
Turnbull is onboard, directing the Weapon. He’s previously tested it by blowing up a Western town. Now he trains it on the Capitol, depicted in special effects that suggest the Capitol and the Washington Monument were the only two structures in Washington at that time, at least for purposes of firing on. -Ebert
Gun battles and explosions happen. -USA Today
After Hex saves the day, he’s invited into the Oval Office, thanked, and then presented with a big badge. What is this badge? The president tells Hex: “America needs a sheriff.” This provided the audience with a big laugh, which sounded like it might have been bottled up for awhile. -Ebert
Eh, this segment just isn’t the same without Miley Cyrus saving a nest of turtle eggs from a raccoon. When does the next Nicholas Sparks movie come out?