With RED earning $199 million worldwide and RED 2 already bumped up for an earlier release this summer, it comes with very little surprise that Summit Entertainment and Lionsgate already gave the green light to writers Jon and Erich Hoeber to start work on a third installment. Due out on July 19, RED 2 already has some people* calling it the surefire best sequel of the year, while others** already believe that just by greenlighting a third film, this will become the greatest trilogy in movie history.
The first RED film featured a comedic take on the original, much more serious comic series, written by Warren Ellis, and starred Bruce Willis as the over-the-hill CIA operative fighting back against a younger agent misguidedly trying to assassinate him and his former associates (Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Morgan Freeman, among others). In the sequel, Willis and Co. team up with Anthony Hopkins and Catherine Zeta-Jones to track down a nuke in the heart of Mother Russia.
And while I don’t know what the Hoeber brothers have planned for a third, I’d like to offer my own idea.
Frank Moses finally settles down with Sarah Ross, who has just given birth to their son, who is actually Joe Matheson reincarnated, so his thoughts are voiced by Morgan Freeman. But then Diane Lane shows up and she’s like, “Frank, you remember me because I’m a sexy older woman whom you once worked with in the CIA, and I have important news for you” and she’s probably wearing a tank top. So it turns out that one of Frank’s old bosses, played by Danny DeVito, has gone mad and is going to blow up the moon. Frank’s like, “I’m getting’ too old for this sh*t” and his baby is like, “Tell me about it!” and they call Marvin Boggs and Victoria to put together a plan. Except this time, Victoria is assigned to kill Frank’s newborn son with a rocket launcher, because he has the secrets to cold fusion hidden is his diaper. But the only people who can stop the evil moon terrorist are his old partners, played by Christopher Lloyd, Richard Gere, Michael Caine and Ellen Dow, who was the rapping grandma in The Wedding Singer. And then The Expendables show up and it becomes RED 3: The Redspendables Star in the Reddening.
The end. Oscars, please.
*Me
** Again, me