Stream ‘Em If You Got ‘Em: Your Guide To Netflix And Streaming – June 26

Hello Friends and Lovers,

It’s a lesser week for streaming and paid VOD as everyone and Vince’s mom gets ready for next week’s holiday. I’m not a huge fan of the 4th of July, mostly because my dog is hazed by fireworks. He gets that 10,000-yard stare and attempts to burrow in our bathtub. It’s not a good situation, and it’s made me less patriotic as a result.

Where the mooobies are concerned, if you want to go full-on ‘Murica you should mebbe take a look at Glory, or perhaps even The Wolf of Wall Street. Born on the 4th of July, Far & Away, and Forest Gump also come to mind, and if you want long-form television just get down with Band of Brothers or Something Something w/ Ken Burns. That should be a couple of weeks worth of content to sooth you; in your downtime build a soundproof enclosure for your dog.

Onward toward los streaming, we’ll start with the Netflix action:

Top Netflix Streamer of the Week
WWE: Ultimate Warrior: The Ultimate Collection
Take it away, synopsis guys:

Explore the Ultimate Warrior’s rise, from his first bout with the Blade Runners to solo stardom, with highlights and words from the man himself.

Growing up, I loved The Ultimate Warrior. He was the perfect counterpoint to Hulk Hogan’s over-the-top “good guy” persona, an anonymous warrior with muscles bound by tassels. Exquisite. Throw in his completely random death after his “return” to the WWE and his HOF induction and you could make the case that the Ultimate Warrior stood for something sorely lacking in American culture: cocaine mixed with steroids. Now that’s a party. I will watch this, appreciate, and remember the man that was the Warrior. The Ultimate Warrior.

Streamability: Make it so, numba one, make it so.

Netflix Curio of the Week
XXX: State of the Union

In this action-packed follow-up to XXX, U.S. intelligence officer Augustus Gibbons must thwart a massive conspiracy to overthrow the government. Finding no one else he can trust, Gibbons frees a former Army colleague from prison to aid his mission.

The XxX series is underrated, mostly due to everyone wanting to hate on Vin Diesel as an action star (because he’s 4’5″). I proudly stand up and say, “No more!” to that hot take, for if they want to put VD on an orange crate and film his scenes I’ve got no problem with it. The man can emote. He’s like the muscle car version of Jimmy Bond, and you know he wouldn’t be caught dead coming out of the surf whilst shimmering in the sun. He’d have his lady friend do that, but for a film called XxXxX there’s very little full-frontal nudity from my main man VinDies. Maybe it’s in the deleted scenes.

Wait, is this the Ice Cube one? Awwww, man, this one sucks on wheels. I retract everything I said above. VinD’el is still tops but he’s not in this one. So to hell with it. The first one IS available though, if you want to watch that instead. That’s what I’d do.

Streamability: The first one only.

Netflix Thomas Hardy
Lawless – June 29
Definitely entertaining, and Tom Hardy is great. Shia’s part here is, well, not very good. This is around a B or B- film, but you’ve already got a streaming account it’s FREE. You know what I mean. Guy Pearce gives a big performance, perhaps you remember his villainous turn in the great Count of Monte Cristo. He’s even creepier here. You won’t want to go into the moonshine business afterward, but you’ll at least realize you want Tom Hardy as a drinking buddy.

Streamability: Sure!

Paid Video on Demand

Streaming Starks
Heatstroke – July 4 (on iTunes)

On a family trip in the African desert, a research scientist unintentionally travels off course and comes face to face with a group of dangerous arms dealers. He is put to the ultimate survival test as he attempts to evade the killers and protect his girlfriend and teenage daughter.

You know who is rocking in this? Arya Stark! I’m a little early on this title, but I won’t be releasing a streaming column on July 3rd, because studios say, “no mas” for that entire week. But back to Maisie Williams (Arya), she’s likely the teenage daughter in this. It would be odd if she were the girlfriend. I really want the t-shirt that has Arya’s kill list on it. Might put it on my Amazon wish list. Gifts are killer.

Is this film worth watching? Based on its IMDB rating, it would seem that it’s worth a few bucks. It would be good to get a bead on whether or not Maisie Williams is going to be a capital “A” actor, or only a capital “A” Arya Stark. That way we’d know what Oscar futures to bet.

Streamability: With much trepidation, I say, “maybe.”

The Bad, The Bad, and the Ugly
Winter’s Tale (Amazon, GooglePlay – $3.99)

As far as I can tell, no one saw this. Those who did were pretty sad about the whole thing. It’s probably a skip or “watch when baked”. Colin Farrell looks like a goober in this. He’s way better in Seven Psychos, In Bruges, or really anything that’s not this.

Streamability: Nyet.

Streaming Title only I Like
300: Rise of an Empire (Amazon, GooglePlay – $3.99)

The trick to enjoying this movie is to watch it backward. The hero, or anti-hero, is Eva Green, she of Casino Royale bustiness. Here she plays Artemisia, and even though they want to paint her as the villain, she has so many legit points. She was raped by a bunch of Greeks (much like the Ivory Coast in the World Cup – timely jokes!) and then enslaved. Her family was killed by said Greeks. In other words, she had a point. She was basically Russell Crowe from Gladiator, only they made the “good” guy a bland vanilla non-descript white dude because the patriarchy in this country has gotten to the point where … Sorry, I just blacked out for a second, due to white male guilt. My bad.

Anyway, yeah, cheer for the girl. Even when she RAILS the good guy in an attempt to curry favor (mmm.. curry, the most tasty kind of favor). I don’t use “RAILS” lightly, btw, it’s a pretty serious situation in that cabin room. I guess I liked this movie more than most so-called “Critics” (I’ve started adopting a commenter term for myself). It had a certain charm. The action is all that 300 style slo-mo again, only without the innovation factor, so it’s not worth catching once you get past Eva Green, or if you want to spend time re-writing it as an exercise for your screenwriting class.

Streamability: If you watch it the correct way, yes. Otherwise I can’t help you.

That’s all for this week, stay sweet out there. I’ll see you again, this side or the other.

Follow Laremy on Twitter if you want to see what sort of shenanigans he’ll get up to next.