Stream ‘Em If You Got ‘Em: Your Guide To Netflix And Streaming, June 5, 2014

Welcome to your weekly streaming column, where you’ll get more data than a hobo with a licked finger lifted high into the wind. This week has some legit options, Hollywood knows we have money again, and they aim to take it. They’re a bit like my high school teacher and my virginity in that respect.

As always, we’ll start with the streaming Netflix and then segue into the paid streaming rentals. Let’s get it on!

Top Netflix Streamer of the Week
Orange is the New Black Season Two, June 6
Love this show, and if you’ve got a Netflix subscription it is a zero-brainer. Ya just gotta watch. It has everything! Lesbian action, sexual coercion, prison, and the guy from American Pie, Mr. Biggs. It’s based on a true story, though I’m quite certain it has been modified to fit our dramatic screen because there’s no way in hell that chick from “That ’70s Show”, the preppy one, would find her sweet tail in prison. We all know the prison system is massively racially biased, and redheads with glasses represent a sliver of the pie chart that’s smaller than Vince’s manhood.
Streamability: You could watch season one and two back-to-back – now that’s a freakin’ weekend. Bounce, bounce, bounce!

Netflix Streaming Curio of the Week
Left Behind, June 1

First off, the box art is amazingly hilarious. Kirk Cameron looking off into the distance as airplane wheels prepare land on him. Next up, over here in my philosopher’s corner, I have this theory that naysayers (people who say “nay”) believe the world is ending because they are personally significant. In other words, we all sort of look at the world and say, “Whelp, after 13 billion years it’s probably high time this whole ship went down, with myself at the helm. It’s all been leading up to me!”

I love this idea, and I love the rapture too. I could talk for years about it. All the nice people ported right up into heaven, leaving me and my dog (he’s an asshole) to roam the Earth looking for a lady of the night (also a sinner). Left Behind is a masterpiece, and we’re not going to get this kind of thing anymore when robots are carrying us around on big pillows. Savor it.
Streamability: I’m going to go with “yep”, and with a sixer of Natty.

Netflix Streaming Movie Only I Like
Reign Over Me, June 1

I’m prone to melancholy, and so I did much in the way of soul-searching with this film. Because I loved it, and I loved Adam Sandler in it, especially juxtaposed against all the subpar work he normally does. He’s capable of so much more! Punch Drunk Love is a real movie, as is Spanglish and the one with Seth Rogen (mostly).