Stream Them If You’ve Got Them: Your Guide To Netflix And Streaming, Apr 17, 2014

04.17.14 5 years ago 20 Comments

Top Netflix Streamer of the Week
G.I. Joe Retaliation
To be clear, this isn’t the “best” streaming title of the week. More like the most well-known, and easiest to make fun of, so I’ve rejiggered my “Top” definition to equal out to what I want it to be. Words are great like that. On to the film itself, it comes off as great compared to the original, mostly because the original was horrible. IMDB totes backs me up on this one, the sequel has a solid 5.9 out of ten, while the original only managed a paltry 5.8 out of ten (remember what I said up there about words? Works for numbers too. Tell a friend). Director Jon M. Chu (the M. is for Millard) directed Step Up 2: The Streets, possibly the greatest titled film in history, and he also brought us Step Up 3D, another delightful treat where people pranced around the screen in a jovial manner. He’s also responsible for a Justin Bieber movie and this sequel. Next on his docket is Gem, so I think on balance, were he to face the ultimate judgment today, he’d probably burn in the eternal fires of hell. But Gem and her Holograms definitely give him a shot at redemption and a photo opportunity.

Streamability: Well no, but it is the “Top” streamer of the week! Life is a constant contradiction. Maybe you could create some sort of drinking game around it and report back?

Netflix Streaming Title Only I Like
Before Woody Allen (The “woodman” to his frat bros) made a film called Match Point, in which he tried to put Scarlett Johansson is as many sex scenes as possible, he made Scoop, a quirky little mystery that only five million people saw in theaters (most of whom were my dork friends). Scoop is pretty fun in the sense that Scarlett J. outside the idea of “sex symbol” is more interesting after awhile, once you want to settle down and raise a family. This one also has Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. What’s that? Oh, he’s done other stuff? My bust. Back to real talk, Scoop is all about the search for a serial killer, but it’s the type of movie you could show a family member or even a a spouse who wears pajama pants and sips hot cocoa. It’s a very light effort.
Streamability: I think so. Then again, we might be sworn enemies.

The Last Bad Nextflix Streaming Title of One Channing Tatum
The Eagle

This weekend, MTV handed out the “Trailblazer” award to Channing Tatum, in recognition for his work on seminal works such as Magic Mike and 21 Jump Street. For some odd reason, his best film, Side Effects, wasn’t in the clip real. Not enough Twilight for MTV? Perhaps, but even though it sounds like I’m taking the piss from C-Tates, nothing could be further from the truth, as it’s well known how we feel about CT around these parts. We love him like a warm delicious brownie on a normal day. Which brings us to The Eagle, a film that’s well known to “suck the poop juice”. I think I know what happened here, C-H-A-N-N-I-N-G had a baby on the way, and the wifey told him to get out there and get some. So he did. They wrote him a paycheck with a bunch of zeros and we all lived happily ever after. But then Tatum became a real actor who could clearly do stuff, movies that didn’t have to be awful, films such as G.I. Joe Retaliation and White House Down. Hmmm, maybe I undercut my own argument there, but the underlying point remains relevant: after this weekend we might not have to stream another bad Cha-Tatu film again. That’s a world we can all get behind.

Streamability: Yes, for historical significance.

The 40th to Last Bad Netflix Streaming Title of One Robert DeNiro
The Family
Roberto De Niro, on the other hand, is killing us, and not particularly softly either. From 2011-2013 he appeared in 14 movies, basically doing everything short of going on “The Price is Right” and asking to play Plinko. Many of these were actively bad, from New Year’s Eve to The Big Wedding and Grudge Match. Some were actually good, Silver Linings Playbook and Limitless spring immediately to mind. But we’ve all come to a sad realization together, haven’t we? Big Bob has no filter. He’s open for bidness, and his script requirements have become “yes”. The Family is another one of those, not actively bad, but certainly not worth anyone’s time. Robert De Niro is the flotsam of the current movie ocean.

Streamability: That’s gonna be a hard pass.

Streaming Elsewhere
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

I’ll admit it, this one pulled at ol’ Lam-dog’s heart strings. The first hour is pretty much garbage, but it really gets going narratively once Walter Mitty decides to stop imagining and start doing. It’s a bit like Internet porn in that sense. It shocks me as much as it does you, but lil’ Ben Stiller in a beard climbing through the mountains talking with Sean Penn works for me. Guess I’m getting soft.

Streamability: I’d like to think so. (GooglePlay, $4.99)

The Bad, The Bad, and The Ugly
The Nut Job
This one really hurt me, mentally and physically. I said a bunch of mean words about it here. But if you hate to click on links, fair, then at least allow myself to quote myself.

The story of “The Nut Job” is handled with all the care and concern of microwaving a burrito at 3 A.M. after seven straight hours of a pub crawl. There’s some pawing at blurry objects, cries for help, and hunger, so much hunger, for anything worthwhile to happen that would somehow turn this death spiral into a worthy narrative.

Streamability: If you want to teach your children that you have really awful taste, sure. They’re going to find out eventually. (GooglePlay, $4.99)

And Finally …

This is the type of film you want to hate, another Disney princess, another gal who makes frozen ice castles – but then you start getting into it. All of a sudden you’re loving her ice castles and Googling “Frozen castle + is actually place I can rent?”. Disney has had this sort of thing on lockdown ever since they stopped doing racist stuff, no one beats them at princesses and relentlessly catchy songs. Completely inoffensive and palatable for almost anyone, I’d watch Frozen again in a cold heartbeat.
Streamability: Yep. (GooglePlay, $4.99)

Laremy is making a movie. No, seriously.

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