Stream Them If You’ve Got Them: Your Guide To Netflix And Streaming, Apr 24, 2014

04.24.14 4 years ago 17 Comments
This movie is mostly about your addiction to masturbation, right?

Relativity Media

This movie is mostly about your addiction to masturbation, right?

If there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that movies be streaming. They definitely do! So how can we set up your weekend real nice, and at the same time make fun of how pitiful some of these offerings are? Behold, your personal guide to streaming!

Top Netflix Streamer of the Week
Exit Through the Gift Shop

Even if we're just dancing in the dark ...

Via Revolver Entertainment

Even if we're just dancing in the dark ...

Exit Through the Gift Shop has so much street cred you’ll have to watch, just to be the hippest kid on your block. Why so? Well, this film pulls at the very nature of art, and artists, and authenticity. And something else that starts with an “A”. Is it a hoax? Who is this mysterious bansky? Is any of this street art worth real money? And now ask yourself one more question that provokes your interest. The key takeaway is this – you should give this film a watch, especially if you already have a NetFlix streaming subscription. It’s a brisk 87-minutes, very funny, but it also pulls at your headstrings. You’ll dig it. I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Tell ’em large Marge sent ya.

Streamability: What did I just tell you? Listen for once in your goddamned life!

The Bad, The Bad, and the Ugly
Don Jon
This movie is not a good situation, and it’s a classic case of a studio marketing team trying to snow you. The trailer makes this movie look like a rom-com, when what it actually comes off as is Shame-lite. If you saw Shame, you’ll remember it dealt with sex addiction, which evidently isn’t nearly as fun as Joey from “Friends” led us to believe. Shame was a tour de force (or “tour of force”), except for that part with Carey Mulligan, it was a vibrant look at a real problem. Don Jon wants to be fun, and light, but also about a guy beating it a dozen times a day. There’s one really great scene where he sings “Good Vibrations”, helpfully embedded below, and every Tony Danza scene is money. Other than that this is a hodgepodge of poorly rendered thematic trash.

Streamability: Nah, just play this clip over and over until your officemates conspire to murder you.

The Benchwarmers
Truth is, I don’t know much about The Benchwarmers, and my guess is the people who made it don’t either. David Spade and Rob Schneider were actually in the film, but if they had any soul at all they spent the entire shoot blitzed out of their minds on mescaline.

Luckily for us and our word-count, all of this allows me to segue to my Rob Schneider story, which is a classic. We were on the same flight back from Hawaii (turns out he was shooting 50 First Dates – the one about that tragic woman with a severe head wound). He wore camo pants, respect, and sat in first class. Before I became a huge international writer I laid it down in coach, but I was pretty far up so I was able to see the stream of people who went to collect autographs from him for the entire flight.

Those people now own Rob Schneider autographs.

Anyway, this was before camera phones were a huge thing, so at least we were all spared that. I imagine a Ro-Schnei flight now is like a paparazzi shoot, but back then it was just ink-seeking. People made a huge deal out of it, and then we got to LAX and Schneider disappeared into the crowd like a boss. People are so weird about celebrities. I mean what kind of person brings a story like that up ten years later? (GooglePlay, $2.99)

Streamability: Ha! How long can you watch this trailer? I made it nine seconds.

Physical Media Only
Lingerie Fighting Championships: Lace vs Leather

Love takes time to heal when you're hurting so much.

Wild Eye Releasing

Love takes time to heal when you're hurting so much.

The notice of this DVD came to my in-box (not code), and I felt compelled to share it with you. Because I’m lazy, I will let the press release do the talking, and then I will make a cheap reactionary joke that you will laugh at. Calling my shot!

Wild Eye Releasing is bringing home a look at world’s first all-female Mixed Martial Arts league. Following a successful debut on Pay-Per-View, Lingerie Fighting Championships: Lace vs Leather will be available to own on DVD April 22nd. The Lingerie Fighting Championships were founded by Roni Taylor after seeing two ring girls get into a fight at an MMA event and realizing the audience was more interested in that fight than any of the scheduled fights. She runs the league with an iron fist and recruits only the hottest girls to fight for her.

Oh, I bet she runs it with an iron fist! Heyooooooooo! I can’t tell if this is a sport, or porn, or what. I just know that I’m paid per click (not really). Do these women hurt each other? And what’s with the perv-y soundtrack? Nothing about this makes sense, it’s proof of a world gone mad. I have so many questions.

Streamability: You can’t stream it, and if you order it the chances are people will take it the wrong way. They won’t think you’re being ironic.

Amazon Insta-Video-Matic
The Real Housewives of New York City Season 6 [HD]
I only bring this offering up because I think it might be an end of days situation. These are the worst people on Earth, even though I never wanted to be one of those old people who decried the state of humanity and went to diners too often. But that’s where we’re at. This show was playing as I typed this column, and the only person on the cast I wouldn’t flush down the toilet is Kristen Taekman. She seems like a pretty nice person, though I have no idea what she’s doing on this show, other than perhaps embodying the horrified audience. (GooglePlay and Amazon Instant, $1.99 per episode)

Streamability: Upon pain of death, don’t you do it.

Amazon Insta-Video-Matic 2
About a Boy Season One

Thank God this isn't another Fever Pitch adaptation!

Via NBC Universal

Thank God this isn't another Fever Pitch adaptation!

Admittedly, the photo above and the trailer below make me look like a rube for enjoying this show. Plus, not for nothing, I also liked “Chuck” and “Ed”, so my taste is definitely suspect. I guess I just like stories about earnest guys who end up with TV ladies far above their station in life. Adapted from the Hugh Grant / Toni Collette movie of the same name, it pleasantly diverges from the source material. Extremely light and breezy. (Amazon Instant, $1.99 per episode)

Streamability: Yes! Si! Da!

Laremy likes to party and is making a movie about fun things. Donate if you’re rich.

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