Stream Them If You’ve Got Them: Your Guide To Netflix And Streaming, May 15, 2014

Right now I’m in Spain, and here are the things I’ve learned:

1) Combat driving – if you’re a bike, or a car, or a chubby escaped zoo panda, you’re going to get around two to three inches (Hi, Vince) of personal space to drive around in. No one really honks (Hi, Vince’s mom) but it’s still a race to go as fast as possible towards a red light and then slam on the brakes right before mortally wounding someone.

Interesting (to me) sidenote: In America cars are built to a code that protects the people inside, whereas in Europe you have to be able to hit a pedestrian and have them have a reasonable chance to survive. Safety rules vary per country, but I feel like that one’s instructive. Also, I haven’t slept more than three hours a night for a week straight. Respect.

2) That’s pretty much all I’ve learned.

Top Streamer of the Week
That Awkward Moment
There’s a stable of movies I use as “palate cleansers” and I like the chances for this one. It’s the sort of movie you can actively not pay attention to, because you know nothing of any innovation whatsoever will happen, allowing you to go about your normal day of chores around the house (wearing no bottoms) or penning angry emails to the florist for substituting petunias when you clearly stated you wanted tulips in the little comments section they give you that no one ever reads. Anyway, my point is, throw this on your Netflix and then do your thing. You do you. Can’t no one else do it. Then, once it’s over, watch Couples Retreat. Same deal, completely dead behind the eyes, a little homage to ambivalent apathy.

Streamability: If you like sex and travel, go for it.

Burning Questions of the Week
Jenny McCarthy’s Dirty Sexy Funny

One of the benefits about not having children is you can check yourself out of caring about vaccinations. So unless some little child gives me a disease I refuse to get involved. I know one side is probably intrinsically correct, but I’m not going to waste my life watching the Katie Couric special or listening to Anderson Cooper lecture me. I’m keeping my powder dry for debates like, “Is the Earth 6,000 years old or 12 billion?” and, “If the Dolphins never win another playoff game, are they still “technically” in the NFL?”

Lastly, what’s the deal with the pose above? Women do this all the time to look “hot and sexy”. Is it meant to show off tongue length? Or say to the world, “I am not a person who minds licking things off my face?” Not saying I’m above giving her the lollipop, just pointing out I’d like her to keep that look just between the two of us. Ladies of the FilmDrunk, have you made that face? Is it all in good fun and Imma a prude? Lick-o-potamus?

Streamability: I just can’t imagine a world where it’s all that … funny? One of my pet peeves is when any comedian relies on the sex act too hard for comedy.

The Bad, The Bad, and the Ugly New to Netflix
Free Birds
This is a film, released over Thanksgiving, that encouraged children to harass their parents into not having turkey.

It reminds me of this clip:

Here’s the synopsis, courtesy of our brothers at IMDB:

Two turkeys from opposite sides of the tracks must put aside their differences and team up to travel back in time to change the course of history – and get turkey off the holiday menu for good.

I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.

Streamability: If you have children, and you want them to look at you as though you’re a killa, then get down on it.

Much Ado About Nothing
Streaming Title You Should Wear a Beret and Comment Positively On

I like Joss Whedon. I like Nathan Fillion. I’m not so hot on Clark Gregg, because he was jerky to me in an interview, but everyone has a bad day and he was probably trying to learn his Thor 8 lines or whatever. It happens. But I can’t do it, I just can’t. I’ve seen so much Shakespeare, from Mel Gibson all the way back to Baz Luhrmann and I think I’ve learned enough from the Bard (short for “Brad”). Sure, they made this film for $48 dollars, and yes black and white is Kool and the Gang, but it’s like the vaccination thing all over again.

Streamer That’s Not as Good as First Sunday
Ride Along

It seems like the only thing directors have figured out to do with Kevin Hart is point a camera at him and hope for the best. He was great in one ensemble (Think Like a Man), but other than that it’s been a series of barely watchable movies that he’s pretty solid in. Maybe he needs a better script picker (is that a job?) or perhaps this is his mantra?

Whatever the case, this is a fairly stupid movie, even for a stupid movie.

Streamability: Not unless you want to set fire to $5 (GooglePlay $4.99), in which case you should just send it toward my Kickstarter, because you won’t even have to pay the money. And I’ll take you off my “people to kill” list.

Sorry the movies weren’t all that great, guys. We will get ’em next week. Stay cool!