Stream ‘Em If You Got ‘Em: Your Guide To Netflix And Streaming, May 22, 2014

Last week a few people mentioned they were confused by the column. One even said I made him dizzy, as if we were dancing together in the pale moonlight and I went in for eskimo kisses. Fair enough, changes have been implemented, Imma now break up the words presented into Netflix subscription streaming and then segue into paid online streaming. They are different categories, don’t get it twister’d. Also, I’m putting the dates things are available, because I know everyone has a busy schedule full of palimony cases. But I’m still going to embed any ol’ clip I want, including Hannibal Buress, because I’m an artist. You wouldn’t walk into Michelangelo’s St. Peters and be all, “Oh yeah, LESS glorious natural light and cherubic angels and whatnot.” No. No you wouldn’t. So just jog on with that request.

Column time!

Netflix Streaming Title of the Week
Star Trek Into DarknessMay 17
I like the idea of B-Cumber-B as a foil, but this one probably suffered a bit from too much Spock. I barely remember the film at this point, senility runs in my family, so I’ll quote my own review, which is a staggering work of genius:

This film is sooooo Spock-heavy. As if it were called Star Trek: The Spock Years or perhaps Spock Around the Clock. There is not one scene in the last hour of the film that doesn’t involve Spock (Zachary Quinto) running around, acting all Vulcan, spouting off some nonsense about the Prime Directive. This fellow is getting more screen-time than Radio in Radio. And don’t get me wrong, a little Spock is pretty nice, but he’s the very definition of a one-note character within this universe. And STID suffers when we hear the “danger” note played alongside the “Spock” note, over and over, into infinity.

I ended up giving it a C+, slightly above average. It’s worth a watch if you haven’t seen it. Afterward, maybe comment on how you think Abrams work in STID will be reflected in the new Star Wars. Then throw your brandy snifter against the wall, laugh manically, and disappear off into the night.

Streamability: Okay.

Netflix Streaming Title That Blows
SanctumMay 16
This one is so terrible I’m actually going to recommend it at the end of this blurb. Relentless self-promotion continuance, you can read my hateful review from back in 2011 here. Call that a bonus. Sanctum traded on being “produced” by James Cameron, much in the same way poop is produced by an adorable puppy. It also set spelunking back at least a decade. Quite terrible.

Streamability: With shots!

Netflix Streaming Curio
Are All Men Pedophiles?May 21

Pretty grabby title, no? I’ll just go ahead and pre-redact the rest of my thoughts here.
Streamability: Well, I’m not going to watch it. Gotta maintain my last shred of feeling like a good human.

Netflix Streaming Memory
Dear Mr. WattersonMay 18
Recently I found out that my little brother hadn’t ever heard of ‘Calvin and Hobbes’. It made me pretty sad, and I realized that his generation likely will finally be the one that steers this big blue ball directly into the sun. Did I try to educate him? Nope. TOO MOPEY.
Streamability: Hell yes. It’s not too late to be a person of substance!

Thus ends our Netflix Streaming subscription offerings. Now begins our steaming offerings that you have to pay for, all currently available.

Streaming Proof Clooney Can’t Direct
Monuments Men
I’m the worst possible source here, because the reviews made me stay away [Vince’s Note: I reviewed it! It was… not good.]. Leatherheads, the other film Clooney directed, was just vanilla tapioca nonsense. The other reason I skipped it? The trailer and concept seemed dialed in, so seeing that squandering of potential would have made me even more sad. It would be like heading to a threesome and realizing, as you pulled up, that you’d forgotten to invite the other two people. [Vince’s Note 2: George Clooney also directed Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, which is pretty good, but in light of the other two, probably not because of George Clooney.]
Streamability: I’m leaning against ever watching it ($3.99 GooglePlay).

Streaming Costner
Three Days to Kill
I really liked when Kevin Costner starred in Mr. Brooks. There was something compelling about the guy from Field of Dreams and Waterworld killing fools. “Dexter” kicked off the year prior to Mr. Brooks; television historians may point to that as the golden age of serial killer dramas.
Streamability: Maybe, if you’re one of your infamous moods. But don’t blame me if you consider it a waste of of four bucks ($3.99 GooglePlay).

Streaming Friday Night
Machete Kills

What can I say about a genre film like Machete Kills that will have any relevance whatsoever? Clearly, it’s a terrible film, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t plenty of enjoyment to be had. Yeah, it’s there. You just gotta get blitzed enough.
Streamability: Sort of ($2.99 GooglePlay).

Streaming History Debacle
Jon Snow is in this! Which hopefully will start a long line of “Game of Thrones” actors cashing in on B-movies. They deserve it, and you know HBO can’t afford to pay off the cast of 700 for that show. In a way, it as if TriStar is subsidizing our Game of Thrones habit. Thanks fellas!
Streamability: This was never going to be a good movie, can’t recommend you guzzle it ($4.99 GooglePlay).


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