Last week a few people mentioned they were confused by the column. One even said I made him dizzy, as if we were dancing together in the pale moonlight and I went in for eskimo kisses. Fair enough, changes have been implemented, Imma now break up the words presented into Netflix subscription streaming and then segue into paid online streaming. They are different categories, don’t get it twister’d. Also, I’m putting the dates things are available, because I know everyone has a busy schedule full of palimony cases. But I’m still going to embed any ol’ clip I want, including Hannibal Buress, because I’m an artist. You wouldn’t walk into Michelangelo’s St. Peters and be all, “Oh yeah, LESS glorious natural light and cherubic angels and whatnot.” No. No you wouldn’t. So just jog on with that request.
Column time!
Netflix Streaming Title of the Week
Star Trek Into Darkness – May 17
I like the idea of B-Cumber-B as a foil, but this one probably suffered a bit from too much Spock. I barely remember the film at this point, senility runs in my family, so I’ll quote my own review, which is a staggering work of genius:
This film is sooooo Spock-heavy. As if it were called Star Trek: The Spock Years or perhaps Spock Around the Clock. There is not one scene in the last hour of the film that doesn’t involve Spock (Zachary Quinto) running around, acting all Vulcan, spouting off some nonsense about the Prime Directive. This fellow is getting more screen-time than Radio in Radio. And don’t get me wrong, a little Spock is pretty nice, but he’s the very definition of a one-note character within this universe. And STID suffers when we hear the “danger” note played alongside the “Spock” note, over and over, into infinity.
I ended up giving it a C+, slightly above average. It’s worth a watch if you haven’t seen it. Afterward, maybe comment on how you think Abrams work in STID will be reflected in the new Star Wars. Then throw your brandy snifter against the wall, laugh manically, and disappear off into the night.
Streamability: Okay.
Netflix Streaming Title That Blows
Sanctum – May 16
This one is so terrible I’m actually going to recommend it at the end of this blurb. Relentless self-promotion continuance, you can read my hateful review from back in 2011 here. Call that a bonus. Sanctum traded on being “produced” by James Cameron, much in the same way poop is produced by an adorable puppy. It also set spelunking back at least a decade. Quite terrible.
Streamability: With shots!
Netflix Streaming Curio
Are All Men Pedophiles? – May 21
Pretty grabby title, no? I’ll just go ahead and pre-redact the rest of my thoughts here.
Streamability: Well, I’m not going to watch it. Gotta maintain my last shred of feeling like a good human.
Netflix Streaming Memory
Dear Mr. Watterson – May 18
Recently I found out that my little brother hadn’t ever heard of ‘Calvin and Hobbes’. It made me pretty sad, and I realized that his generation likely will finally be the one that steers this big blue ball directly into the sun. Did I try to educate him? Nope. TOO MOPEY.
Streamability: Hell yes. It’s not too late to be a person of substance!
Thus ends our Netflix Streaming subscription offerings. Now begins our steaming offerings that you have to pay for, all currently available.
Streaming Proof Clooney Can’t Direct
Monuments Men
I’m the worst possible source here, because the reviews made me stay away [Vince’s Note: I reviewed it! It was… not good.]. Leatherheads, the other film Clooney directed, was just vanilla tapioca nonsense. The other reason I skipped it? The trailer and concept seemed dialed in, so seeing that squandering of potential would have made me even more sad. It would be like heading to a threesome and realizing, as you pulled up, that you’d forgotten to invite the other two people. [Vince’s Note 2: George Clooney also directed Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, which is pretty good, but in light of the other two, probably not because of George Clooney.]
Streamability: I’m leaning against ever watching it ($3.99 GooglePlay).
Streaming Costner
Three Days to Kill
I really liked when Kevin Costner starred in Mr. Brooks. There was something compelling about the guy from Field of Dreams and Waterworld killing fools. “Dexter” kicked off the year prior to Mr. Brooks; television historians may point to that as the golden age of serial killer dramas.
Streamability: Maybe, if you’re one of your infamous moods. But don’t blame me if you consider it a waste of of four bucks ($3.99 GooglePlay).
Streaming Friday Night
Machete Kills

Open Road Films
I wouldn't eat that black apple if I were you.
What can I say about a genre film like Machete Kills that will have any relevance whatsoever? Clearly, it’s a terrible film, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t plenty of enjoyment to be had. Yeah, it’s there. You just gotta get blitzed enough.
Streamability: Sort of ($2.99 GooglePlay).
Streaming History Debacle
Pompeii
Jon Snow is in this! Which hopefully will start a long line of “Game of Thrones” actors cashing in on B-movies. They deserve it, and you know HBO can’t afford to pay off the cast of 700 for that show. In a way, it as if TriStar is subsidizing our Game of Thrones habit. Thanks fellas!
Streamability: This was never going to be a good movie, can’t recommend you guzzle it ($4.99 GooglePlay).
ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWDVBQkBBoE
For a good time, follow Laremy on Twitter.
Clooney directed the respectable Good Night & Good Luck, too. And Ides of March, which sucked because of the script. Just saying, put all his efforts together (2-3 record, Confessions and Good Night the wins) and I think there’s reason to believe we may see a really good movie from him someday.
Just noticed he’s credited for the Ides of March screenplay so fuck him.
Ides of March was really a pretty good film. If it wasn’t your cup of tea, I understand, but I thought it was solid work on all accounts.
I was enjoying it until the plot got ridiculous (that is, when the actress who has the Across the Universe tattoo because she loved being in Across the Universe so much, I can’t remember her name right now and I know I could go check but people should know about that Across the Universe tattoo, when her story came to the center of the film, everything went so far south I didn’t even bother finishing watching).
LESS glorious natural light and cherubic angels and more WORKING embedded clips.
Please and thank you.
I’m glad someone else liked mr. Brooks… That movie was just the amount of silly and cool that it deserved better
And it had Dane Cook being killed… with a shovel.
Admiral Ackbar would have something to say about Are All Men Pedophiles.
[www.threadbombing.com]
Machete Kills is streaming on Netflix NOW.. Put that money away.
I watched Three Days to Kill last week. Holy shit, what a stinker. We gave it the MST3K treatment. That made it at least somewhat enjoyable.
I have Comcast and use their app to stream everything now. Has every movie that’s come out recently plus shows. Do other providers have apps this good?
Absolutely not. COX has been promising streaming DVR for a while. Their Contour app is shit.
Not sure about Comcast’s streaming DVR, haven’t bothered to get that yet. Their go app though is great. All current programming available plus some channels have all seasons of their shows, HBO comes to mind.
Also for some reason I’m able to download movies for free…
More confusion and eskimo kisses, this isn’t the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Clear description does nothing to sell the streaming piles on offer today.
I know it was probably mentioned in past articles, but rent or go see Blue Ruin. Some would say it’s a mumblecore revenge thriller. Those people would be assholes. It’s pretty beautiful for a low-budget flick. It’s nice to watch a movie and have no idea what is going to happen next.
That “Are All Men Pedophiles?” trailer really confused me. Because it seemed to be leaning towards yes, in which case the term becomes meaningless. Or is it one of those weird word twisting logic things? Like: “If you outlaw pedophilia only outlaws will get laid”. Whatever the answer, I look forward to not finding it.
It sure did sound apologistic (if that’s a word). Yet I have a hard time believing that such a film would make it onto Netflix. Even YouTube would probably delete something like that. The way they kept snipping those little sound bites also seemed… suspicious, somehow. I don’t know, very confusing indeed.
The answer being “yes” would make sense to me, though, assuming we’re talking about thought and not action. You start being attracted to teenage girls when you’re a teenager, and while your inclinations hopefully change over time to stay primarily within your own age group, I don’t think they change completely enough to totally eliminate your ability to be attracted to whomever.
As a British Male the correct term is paedophiles and the correct answer is yes #TieMeKangarooDownSport,TieMeKangarooDown.
Sorry…I have to be that guy….George Clooney also directed “Good Night and Good Luck” which is a great movie, arguably one of the best movies that came out in 2005 and one seeped in his personal experiences, growing up the son of a successful news anchor. If you’re going to list his bad movies, you should mention is great one too (I also liked “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”).
Jesus, the terrible photoshops of Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez should be enough to get whoever designed that poster blacklisted. I get it, those two famous ladies didn’t want to get all S&M’d up, but at least match the jaw colors to their upper faces?
I just wanna know how they decided to attach Salma Hayek’s boobs to mopey Michelle Rodriguez’s face and thought know one would say anything about it.
Jeez, everything about that image is off-putting. I know the caption says Open Road Films, but… that can’t actually be an official piece of marketing, can it?
I feel dizzy.
How is 3 Days to Kill not just called Mid Life Crisis: The Movie?
Ha!