Stream Them If You’ve Got Them: Your Guide To Netflix And Streaming, Apr 10, 2014

Remember that warm minute last week where they released all the cool streaming titles? Well, that’s all over. Back to suffering. They should have named this week’s column “Hey, what’s steaming”?

Perhaps everyone is running scared because of “Game of Thrones”, maybe, I’m no doctor, but let’s go ahead take a look at the meager offerings before us anyway. We owe that much to James Netflix, Jr., esq.

Top Netflix Streamer of the Week
The Fifth Element
This is my jam. It was early CT (Chris Tucker), prior to the lean Rush Hour years. I heard after Chris Tucker signed the lucrative Rush Hour contract he decided not to do any other movies, and his IMDB profile bears this out. For nine years he only worked a couple of months every third year. That’s kind of brilliant, isn’t it? How much money do you need? Why not just go to Caesar’s Palace and say, “Please give me as many buffet tickets as I can afford on this AMEX Black.” More people should do this. I’m trying it, but FilmDrunk still requires a column a week, which is really cramping my buffet-stylez.

Back to The Fifth Element (the prior rambling was brought to you by a lack of streaming, blame God), it also has vintage Jovovich, and she’s a dream girl in the sense that she wears lycra, beats up people, and doesn’t speak good English. It’s your prom night all over again. Vintage C-Tuck, vintage M-Jojo, and Bruuuuce Willllyyyyy. Directed by Luc Besson. I love this movie so much I nearly lurve it. Weird aside, check out The Big Blue, also written and directed by Luc Besson. It’s absolutely haunting.

Streamability: Oh, so very much.

Old but New to Streaming Netflix Movies for the Recently Born
Running Man
True story: I once did a live podcast with the gents of the Frotcast, two nights in a row, as Running Man played. It was at the University of Chicago, you could look it up. Mr. Bince, showrunner here at FilmDrunk was there. I often heard him mumbling incoherently in the background, dribbles of whatever rye was popular that week emanating from his prodigious maw.

Now then, I don’t have to tell you that Running Man is a classic. I’m pretty sure it won Best Picture for whatever year it came out. Ostensibly, it’s about a man who runs. Fair enough. But really, it’s about so much more, the gamification of human suffering, the plight of the common man in the military industrial complex, and exactly how many steroids you can pump into a human without his heart actually exploding on screen. Keep in mind this future is only three years away. Can’t hardly wait!

Streamability: If you haven’t, absolutely. If you have, absolutely.

Physically New Media for Netflix, Streaming Elsewhere

August: Osage County
This is a really awful version of The Family Stone. Remember that one? It was only halfway decent, right? So then this is a version that has Meryl Streep flapping around like a crazy person, yelling at Julia Roberts, and basically over-acting for a solid 90 minutes. I definitely encourage you never to watch it.
On GooglePlay, $4.99

Streamability: Well, no. That’s what I just said. The below trailer makes this look like a redemptive comedy. Don’t fall for that action. It’s just a scathing look at a bunch of horrible people, and not in a fun way either. I should also mention that The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is available, streaming somewhere or other, this week. I can unequivocally say it’s the best movie with “desolation” in the title. EVER.

Physically New Media for Netflix
Out of the Furnace
I hate to be like this, but this isn’t very good either. Christian Bale is in it, brooding throughout, and his younger brother is an idiot, played by Casey Affleck. Affleck is basically the same character he played in Good Will Hunting, but if he grew up in a steel mill town where no one was good at math. Pretty much the worst of all worlds. Depressing, dour, and difficult to watch, this one has something for the whole family. Thankfully, it does have that shot where the guy looks at himself in the mirror. I love that shot. The movie project I have on Kickstarter is pretty much just going to be 90 solid minutes of mirrors and guys washing their faces.

Streamability: You can’t, anywhere. Sorry about that.

New Streaming Show Only I Like

Brooklyn Nine-Nine
This is good! And it’s streaming! My sources indicate that the average amount of viewers is a (1.3/4) Now I don’t know what that means, it could mean 1.3 million people, plausible since it would follow “Game of Thrones” gets ten times that much. Or it could mean 4 million, 1.3 million of which are in a good demographic. Or it could mean 1.3 or 1.4 million. Perhaps it’s a DVR split? Here’s my point – it could mean anything, hopefully someone can explain in the comments, but whatever it means, the chances are no one but me and like four guys are watching it. Be one of those guys. Be it right now.

Streamability: Yep, on Hulu Plus, which I’m not sure anyone in America has, enjoy! Note: Also streaming on YouTube, but at $1.99 an episode. Sort of pricey unless you’re a Saudi prince. If you are, well, you know, check out that Kickstarter link up above.

The Bad, The Bad, and the Ugly
Grudge Match
This suuuuuucks on wheels. Kevin Hart is good, and he’s in about five minutes of the film. The rest is Hollywood trying to convince us that Rocky fighting Raging Bull is compelling, even if they’re both 60. Throw in a Kim Basinger love triangle and you’re basically looking at a punch to the neck. And a neck punch hurts, yo.

Streamability: Maybe to a hapless or unwitting victim. I guess that’s the same thing, technically. At 1:20 of the below trailer they set up what would have been a pretty solid joke by pretending that Sly Stallone and Alan Arkin are in the habit of buying full cows. For dinner. Ladies and gentleman, great writing!
On GooglePlay, $4.99, YouTube $3.99