Stream Them If You’ve Got Them: Your Guide To Netflix And Streaming, Apr 3, 2014

I have no idea what happened, but the studios finally decided there’s a chance we have a little money and free time again. They’ve released so much streaming Netflix goodness! I mean, just take a look, here are the titles we’re not even going to cover with witty blurbs and video accompaniment:

Coneheads: Laugh all you like, a few weeks ago this would have been the ONLY title we seriously considered.
Mean Girls: No, I don’t know why I’m using the royal “we” either. Just go with it.
A League of Their Own: Recall the wildly underrated “Well then, this would be more” Jon Lovitz line read.
Rocky: Best Picture winner. Suck on that, Air Bud!

Top Netflix Streamer of the Week
Ah, Titanic, the film that taught us special effects were important, drawing womyn in the nude used to be more popular, and that old people could be pretty darn stupid about what to do with jewelry. What, Rose, you couldn’t have sent like 100 kids named “Jack” to school? You couldn’t have invented the “Dawson School of Naked Lady Art”? I know, I know, I’ve got to get past this, I just feel like the creepy guy from True Lies deserved better. Seriously though folks, all nostalgia aside, this is not a good movie, but it is a vital one. It’s a must-watch, it heralded in the “super blockbuster”, it set up future Oscar-winner Kate Winslet, and it hooked a bunch of kids on high stakes poker. No one can really “dislike” Titanic even though we all should make fun of it. I suppose it’s a bit like your grandma in that sense.

Streamability: Heck yeah. Block out the three hours right before “Game of Thrones” and treat yo’ self. Maybe watch “Veep” too. I love that one.

Old but New to Streaming Netflix Movies for the Recently Born
This is where the line, “Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown” comes from. Was that racist? Hard to tell, but maybe one deciding factor is the pronunciation of “Chinatown” in the movie (versus in current modern-day high-tech society). They hit the A a little hard for my liking back then. Today, when we’re headed out to eat, I feel like that “NA” in the middle goes a lot softer. I’m babbling, but say it a bunch of times out loud to yourself. You’ll get there.

Streamability: This movie is ranked #110 of all time on Do you think they let just anybody vote for “all-time best” movie lists over there? C’mon, smarten up.

Old but New to Streaming Netflix Movies for the Recently Born

This is where they got the line, “Forget it Jake, it’s Mel Gibson”. Was he racist back then? Hard to tell, but I do know that if you Google “Braveheart accuracy” you’ll get super sad and never watch the film the same way. Don’t do it! For me, separating art from artist, I’m able to enjoy Braveheart. If you really stop to think about it, which is what’s happening right now, it has one of the oddest endings in popular movie history. Because the guy gets … well, you know. His bowels aren’t too solid right after this film. They’re N/A. Sidenote: Many evenings, at a bar, I’ve said something to the effect of “If I go with you, do I get to kill the Anglish?” Slays ’em every time.

Streamability: Especially if you haven’t seen it, hells to the yes. If you have? It holds up rather nicely, a leetle bit of sexy times, a leetle bit of comedy, a leetle bit of face paint.

Netflix Streaming Title Only I Like
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
The first time I saw this in theaters, I pledged to never see it again. Why? Because I actually really loved it, people jumping across tree tops all herky jerky, the epic feel, heck I even loved the overall lack of tigers. So I never returned, because I didn’t want to be disappointed, the way you don’t return to the Dairy Queen dipped cone, because the 90’s were just too special. What I’m saying is I recommend this movie, but only if you don’t already have a quixotic relationship with it.

Streamability: See above caveat.

The Bad, The Bad, and the Ugly New to Netflix
The English Patient

This was when I first realized The Academy Awards might be completely full of poo. Because this is a movie that’s full of poo. So poo-filled you might as well call it Winnie, and I’m not talking “The Wonder Years” over here. I don’t know how anyone can watch this movie without falling completely asleep. And it’s not as though I don’t love ponderous thinkers! I mean, you’re talking (well, not really, okay) to the guy who enjoyed A Simple Man and A Single Man. Neither of those are dopamine inducing laugh riots! They both require spans of attention! But, English Patient, well now, that requires something else. It requires a coma. You can’t even watch this four-minute clip. It’s a brain meat-grinder.

Streamability: Maybe as a tribute to a deity or two.

Physically New Media for Netflix
Air Bud
Only twelve seconds in, this movie OWNS. “I wish my dad were here”. In a way, that’s 1) a metaphor for Organized religion 2) A call for Government oversight of script-writing and 3) The Miami Dolphins locker room motto. In all seriousness, how long do you think it took them to teach that dog to shoot hoops? Forever? A year? My dog does a lot of stuff, like he’ll eat food and whatnot, but no way he’s taking me in a game of 21. Not happening.

Streamability: You can’t. Yet. It’s physically new to Netflix only. But with this petition I’ve got going, time is on our side. Yes it is.