The Makers Of ‘The Identical’ Rail Against ‘Secular Critics’ While Getting One Star From Christianity Today

I’d like to think I’ve become the internet’s number one source for news about The Identical these past few weeks and that continues today. The faith-based Elvis parable (that never mentions Elvis) was DOA at the box office, opening to $1.9 million on a budget reported to be north of $32 million including marketing. The reviews were even worse, with The Identical savaged by snoots to the tune of 5% recommended on RottenTomatoes (though it should be noted that a few handsome, brave iconoclasts out there correctly recognized it for the bad-good good time it was). But as we should all know by now, faith-based movies are like the giant black space ball from The Fifth Element – throwing shade at them only enhances that secular persecution complex they love to cultivate so much.

Now the Christian filmmakers “are offering an unprecedented dare.” Fans can now watch 15 minutes of The Identical online FOR FREE, and PROVE THE HEATHENS WRONG! Here’s the press release:

In what has been a dismal season at the box office for the movie industry, audiences have failed to turn out for dozens of top titles – including one of the highest quality faith films to be made in years.

The Identical was just the victim of a downturn, you see!

Many Christian ticket buyers, it seems, mistakenly concluded “THE IDENTICAL” – which stars big Hollywood names like Ashley Judd, Seth Green, and Ray Liotta and includes 23 original songs created by Motown music legends

Let’s not forget that those 23 original songs created by Motown music legends included “Bee Boppin Baby” and “Boogie Woogie Rock n Roll.” Which makes you wonder – if John Lennon writes royalty-free, Chuck Berry-sound alike muzak, is it a John Lennon song or is it still muzak? Damn, this was more profound than I intended. Anyway, here’s “Bee Boppin Baby”:

– was “just an Elvis movie” and didn’t give the production the same boost at the box office they gave other faith films like “Son of God” and “God’s Not Dead.”

Yes, it’s insane that a faith-based movie about a separated-at-birth Not Elvis with an important subplot about the Six Days War wasn’t as easily recognizable as a Christian movie as a movie called “God’s Not Dead.” Who could’ve ever predicted this?

Without support from Christian moviegoers and saddled with negative reviews from secular critics, “THE IDENTICAL” – despite appearing in nearly 2,000 theaters nationwide – flopped at the box office.

Right, “secular critics.” I’ll be honest, I’m not an expert on faith-based publications, but I typed in the first one I could think of – ChristianityToday – and it led me to their one-star review. Who’s the Christ hater now?

The filmmakers are offering audiences an unprecedented challenge – and the first 15 minutes of the movie free on their website – to prove secular critics of “THE IDENTICAL” wrong.

“You decide!” announces a bold proclamation on “The Identical” website. “Mainstream film critics did not care for ‘The Identical,’ while Christian reviewers and audiences loved the movie. We are putting the first fifteen minutes online to let you decide for yourself.

“Who will you side with,” the filmmakers ask, “audiences or film critics?”

Look, man, we made this for fans, not for critics and devil-worshipers. Here, decide for yourself.

I can’t wait until this becomes a culture war issue and the fundamentalist all run out to see a Jackie Jormp-Jomp Elvis movie just to stick it to the libruls. Have fun, guys! Someone should’ve convinced them it was the liberals who torpedoed The Last Airbender.