The Plot Of ‘Paul Blart Mall Cop 2,’ Recreated With Quotes From Angry Critics

At this point I imagine most of you know how this feature works. We take a movie none of us had any interest in seeing, and see if we can recreate the entire plot using nothing but summary from other reviews. It’s based on the premise that a movie that isn’t worth seeing is much more fun to hear angry people describe.

This week brings us Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. Source material was more scarce than usual for this one, given that it didn’t screen for US critics and currently has zero positive reviews. Of those that did cover, the general consensus seems to be that it’s a terrible unfunny infomercial for the Wynn Casino. Most noted the copious product placement, the abundance of falling down, and general half-assedness of it all. Oddly, virtually every review, almost to a critic, took pains to point out that Kevin James seems like a nice and likable fellow, even while starring in a movie they all found as painful as catheter filled with hornets. Which he also co-wrote. The man has… something, that’s for sure.

When we catch up with Paul Blart and his beloved family, it turns out the happy ending of the first film was an illusion. His beautiful new wife has left him after six days. “She had ‘regrets,’” we’re told, but “her doctor called it ‘uncontrollable vomiting.’” (Vulture)

Also, Blart’s beloved mother has been flattened by a milk truck. (That gag we do see.) So he cowers at home crying like a baby, with only his daughter Maya to give him support. (Vulture)

Things start to look up, though, when our mopey hero gets an invite to attend a Security Officers Association trade show in Las Vegas. (Vulture)

He genuinely believes that he himself, as the savior of West Orange Pavilion Mall [in Paul Blart 1], might be the “surprise” keynote speaker… because keynote speeches are typically sprung as a spur-of-the-moment honor. Yes, Paul Blart is an idiot. (FlickFilosopher)

Maya, meanwhile, gets accepted into UCLA, which is a long way from Jersey, but doesn’t have the heart to tell her needy, overprotective Pa. So Daddy and daughter pack up their things and head to Sin City. (Vulture, Variety)

…where he proceeds to alienate everyone around him, including the hotel’s beautiful general manager (Daniella Alonso) (Hollywood Reporter)

who looks like a cross between Eva Mendes and Sofia Vergara (JoBlo)

who, in one of the endlessly tiresome running gags, Blart becomes convinced is constantly hitting on him. (Hollywood Reporter)

A quasi-romantic connection occurs between Maya and one of the hotel’s valet parking attendants (David Henrie), who seems to have all day to hang around with her, take her for drinks poolside and invite her to a party in a swanky suite. (Roger