The Plot Of ‘Paul Blart Mall Cop 2,’ Recreated With Quotes From Angry Critics

At this point I imagine most of you know how this feature works. We take a movie none of us had any interest in seeing, and see if we can recreate the entire plot using nothing but summary from other reviews. It’s based on the premise that a movie that isn’t worth seeing is much more fun to hear angry people describe.

This week brings us Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. Source material was more scarce than usual for this one, given that it didn’t screen for US critics and currently has zero positive reviews. Of those that did cover, the general consensus seems to be that it’s a terrible unfunny infomercial for the Wynn Casino. Most noted the copious product placement, the abundance of falling down, and general half-assedness of it all. Oddly, virtually every review, almost to a critic, took pains to point out that Kevin James seems like a nice and likable fellow, even while starring in a movie they all found as painful as catheter filled with hornets. Which he also co-wrote. The man has… something, that’s for sure.

When we catch up with Paul Blart and his beloved family, it turns out the happy ending of the first film was an illusion. His beautiful new wife has left him after six days. “She had ‘regrets,’” we’re told, but “her doctor called it ‘uncontrollable vomiting.’” (Vulture)

Also, Blart’s beloved mother has been flattened by a milk truck. (That gag we do see.) So he cowers at home crying like a baby, with only his daughter Maya to give him support. (Vulture)

Things start to look up, though, when our mopey hero gets an invite to attend a Security Officers Association trade show in Las Vegas. (Vulture)

He genuinely believes that he himself, as the savior of West Orange Pavilion Mall [in Paul Blart 1], might be the “surprise” keynote speaker… because keynote speeches are typically sprung as a spur-of-the-moment honor. Yes, Paul Blart is an idiot. (FlickFilosopher)

Maya, meanwhile, gets accepted into UCLA, which is a long way from Jersey, but doesn’t have the heart to tell her needy, overprotective Pa. So Daddy and daughter pack up their things and head to Sin City. (Vulture, Variety)

…where he proceeds to alienate everyone around him, including the hotel’s beautiful general manager (Daniella Alonso) (Hollywood Reporter)

who looks like a cross between Eva Mendes and Sofia Vergara (JoBlo)

who, in one of the endlessly tiresome running gags, Blart becomes convinced is constantly hitting on him. (Hollywood Reporter)

A quasi-romantic connection occurs between Maya and one of the hotel’s valet parking attendants (David Henrie), who seems to have all day to hang around with her, take her for drinks poolside and invite her to a party in a swanky suite. (Roger

For around half an hour, Blart frets about his daughter’s blossoming friendship, spying on them unconvincingly; then, both are kidnapped by an international art thief. (Telegraph)

The mastermind is the cool and crisply dressed Vincent, (Roger who happens to be ransacking the very casino in which they’re staying, (Telegraph)

who has infiltrated the hotel’s own security staff to pull off the crime. (Roger

By a chance turn of events, Paul winds up giving the trade convention’s keynote speech, allowing him to hold forth on the daily indignities and fleeting rewards of being a security guard. (Variety)

Blart becomes unwittingly embroiled in a plot by the villain and his gang to steal priceless artworks from the Wynn Las Vegas hotel, where the movie was almost entirely filmed and which receives enough product placement to have presumably paid for the film’s obviously low budget. (Hollywood Reporter)

Vincent, with the help of a crooked NSA agent (this plot point communicated via subtle dialogue like, “Well, I’d say I bankrolled the right NSA agent!”), is trying to divest the Wynn Las Vegas & Encore Resort of its priceless art collection — which you could see firsthand, of course, if you were to pay the Wynn Las Vegas & Encore Resort a visit.  (NY Post, Variety)

And while you’re there, you really might as well also go and check out that multimillion-dollar aquatic theater piece “Le Reve,” a performance of which Paul naturally has to disrupt while being chased by one of Vincent’s gun-toting, aim-challenged goons. (Variety)

A simple poolside conversation is shot with a wide-angle lens. (Variety)

Steve Wynn himself makes a pointless cameo. (Variety)

At one point, Blart blunders into the resort’s long-running stage show. (Hollywood Reporter)

The hench-woman wears an Apple Watch – which gets a loving close-up. (JoBlo)

Soon Paul will have to call on his sad-sack security-guard brethren (they include Loni Love, Gary Valentine and Shelly Desai) for backup, forming a sort of sub-Avengers league with Tasers and other non-lethal weapons. (Variety)

He switches back into Mall Cop mode, tools up with Home Alone-like weapons from the conference floor (glue gun, pocket taser, et cetera), and trundles into action. (Telegraph)

In the process, he also must save Maya, who somehow managed to discover the scheme within the vast square footage of the Wynn hotel and fell into the villains’ hands. (Roger

Blart’s daughter leaves a party in one room of the presidential suite, only to stumble into the art thieves mid-plan in another room of the suite. (We Got This Covered)

The film’s shootout scenes, which have Blart riding on a souped-up Segway, are only funny if you enjoy seeing nameless bad guys get repeatedly blown back into swimming pools by bean bag guns. (We Got This Covered)

About a third of the film is variations on Blart acting smooth then falling down or getting hit or fighting a fancy bird. (Metro)

A gross-out scene of Kevin James getting suggestively spattered in the face with a leaking ice-cream cone, during one of Blart’s occasional attempts to combat his hypoglycemia. (Vulture)

repeatedly humiliated, slighted, knocked over, attacked by exotic birds (Variety)

a series of lame goofs, pratfalls and sight gags. (Roger

Blart thrown off his Segway by a convertible, conking out mid-conversation from hypoglycemia (Variety)

Paul finds himself in the same elevator with Mini Kiss. (Variety)

He eats anything slovenly enough to evade his pudgy grasp (Irish Times)

all while wearing a succession of hideous, tropical-colored polyester shirts.

He’s forced to hurl himself down a flight of stairs while encased in bulletproof luggage. (Variety)

he stuffs his face, trips over things, and generally behaves like a buffoon. (FlickFilosopher)

He seems perturbed that a young woman might object to the drunken advances of his even stupider friend. (Irish Times)

The lines, many written by James himself, flop. “Security is a mission, not an INTERmission.” (Tribune News Services)

There is a courtesy scene at a Cirque du Soleil show  in which Blart spins around on a wire taking out various performers, and another scene where Blart briefly gambles on a game of craps only to lose all his money. (We Got This Covered)

Blart’s violent fight with an angry peacock (Hollywood Reporter)

He ran face-first into a plate glass window like a cartoon character (NY Post)

Blart is kicked by a horse into the side of a car (Telegraph)

a drawn-out gag about a man eating a horrifyingly brown banana.( NY Post)

and also fat jokes — lots and lots of fat jokes (Metro)

facial expressions that make you question Blart’s mental state (DCW 50)

and sometimes just finding weird, half-almost-inspired mouth noises. (Metro)

After one of Blart’s admirers informs him that he might be delivering the keynote address at the security convention, she punches him in the throat and walks away. (We Got This Covered)

Blart falls down seven times, and outside of fight scenes he gets hit or is hit by something five times (once, he’s hit by a car, and then falls down). He also cries four times and gets attacked by two different animals.

“They say overweight people use humor to achieve affection,” one wag cracks during the film. (Tribune News Services)

Possible poster quote: “Kevin James is brilliant! He has a knack for sometimes just finding weird, half-almost-inspired mouth noises.”