The Steven Seagal Movie Plot Generator

Apologies if you’ve seen this one before, but I hadn’t before today and I needed a lead-in for a mini-Seagal story. As you may have already gleaned from our

This is the Steven Seagal Movie Generator. Above is a randomly generated Steven Seagal film, along with its poster. Just press reload to generate yourself a new film.
The titles and plots are randomly assembled from the titles and plots of actual Steven Seagal films. Don’t believe me? Just look at Seagal’s Filmography.
Yep. It’s really that simplistic. And if you see a plot point that makes you say “There’s no way that was in the movie,” guess-a-freakin’-gain. All plot points have been taken from actual Seagal films.

My first try yielded “Shadows on the Wounds.”

Steven Seagal is a retired Navy Seal Ninja Chef who needs to stop a corrupt Oil Company Executive (played by Brian Cox ) from selling drugs to kids.
Seagal is joined by a LAPD Detective (played by Shawn Lawrence ). With the odds against them, can they prevent Brian Cox from fleeing the country?

Man, Brian Cox should be in everything. Try it for yourself. Meanwhile, in more newsy news, it seems that every MMA fighter now wants to fight Seagal, apparently undaunted by the fact that Steven Seagal invented the front kick.

Former olympic judoka Ronda Rousey, who, it should be noted, trained under

“Would you ever admit it, A, and B, I mean, obviously the guy’s a liar. He told everybody he taught Anderson Silva that kick. I mean, seriously, the guy doesn’t have a very good track record,” said Rousey.

“No, [Steven Seagal is not legit]. “He’s Aikido. I mean, Aikido’s cool, but who in MMA does Aikido? Who has an Aikido background? ‘So and so coming to the cage is a world champion with a background in Aikido.’ You never heard that once. Have you heard that once? That’s for a reason.”

“It’s because Gene LeBell would destroy Steven Seagal again even as old as they are now. If they had like a super master-master division, Gene would still throw it down, man. I’d still put my money on him to this day.”

“I don’t want to give anyone another quote, alright, I’m going to give you another quote. I would beat the crap out of Steven Seagal.”

“If he says anything bad about Gene to my face, I would be forced to do something. I would have to make him crap his pants a second time.” [transcription via Fightlinker]

Aw, Gina Carano will always be my number one, but I’d let Ronda Rousey make me crap my pants any time. She has nice hair, and she probably smells nicer than the Flamin Hot Cheetos and Monster Energy Drink I usually use.

Meanwhile, UFC lightweight Nam Phan, who Seagal had made a point of saying he hadn’t heard of in an interview, won his fight Saturday night, and took the post-fight interview with Ariel Helwani as occasion to call out Seagal:

“That’s exactly what I said, I said ‘I want Steven Seagal. You next!’ No, [I don’t think he’ll respond] because he’s an actor. I’ve got nothing to prove with this crusty old man. I’ll call Gene LeBell for that. I don’t care that he doesn’t know who I am, but I know who he is and I think he’s a douche.” [MMAFighting]

No word yet from Seagal. But I think it would be a good fight. Seagal might be 60, but if my math serves, he’d have roughly a 150-pound weight advantage. And God knows how many unique physiological reactions.

[thanks to Brian for the tip]