This Week In Movie Posters: Fancy Brad Pitt As 1940s James Bond, And More

This week in This Week In Posters, we begin with Allied, starring the two biggest movie stars in the world [citation needed] Brad Pitt and Marion Cotillard. This version of the poster is an improvement over the last one, where Pitt kind of looked like Wayne Newton. But now they’re both carrying guns like some kind of art deco Mr. And Mrs. Smith. I know they’re deep in occupied country during WWII or something, but I dunno, I kind of figured they’d be using, like, their wits, their charm, their cunning and their stunning good looks to survive and stuff. Turns out, nope, it’s that, but also big-ass guns. It makes a sad sort of sense that in a modern homage to Casablanca, everyone has submachine guns. “Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.” [Sprays platoon of Nazis with hip-fired machine gun.]

I’m a little sore at this Blood On The Mountain poster for correctly surmising that I will do anything Tom Morello tells me to. “Hey, if you like musicals, and hip-hop, and underrated founding father Alexander Hamilton, you owe it to yourself to check out a little-known musical called Hamilton. I’m Tom Morello and I approve this message.” [Two and a half minutes of weird guitar noises.]

Ayo, James Franco looks like a lesbian scarecrow. Ohhh, burn country, population: Franco.

Sorry, this isn’t a very good poster, but I really like “Burn Country” as a fictional place someone who just got burned could be from.

This looks like one of Adam Sandler’s budget Halloween ideas. “Hey, look at me, I’m creepy cantaloupe face man! I got a frickin’ cantaloupe, for a face!”

Also, why does “cantaloupe” have a U in it? Did we let Brits spell it or something? Buncha dirty “U” pimps.

“Everybody has a dream.” Does this one involve riding around town on a Vespa in a leather football helmet? Wait a second, is this just a rebrand of Garden State? Anyway, I don’t know what this is about, but I like the neon sign motif and the fact that it reminds me of La La Land. Also, Robert Schwartzman is Jason’s brother.

Could this look any more like a Twilight knockoff? The Hot Topic-in-Utah wardrobe, the ’90s throwback dude crush, complete with frosted tips… I guarantee you could find 10 book covers that look more or less exactly like this in the “supernatural romance” section at Barnes & Noble.

“Some angels are destined to fall.”

Isn’t that what happened to Lucifer? If he was “destined” to fall, does that mean God did it on purpose? So God created the Devil? Is all of this covered in the Bible?

Every poster I’ve seen for Fantastic Beasts looks like they’re only styling goal was to make me want to give Eddie Redmayne a severe wedgie and never ever see this movie. C’mon, man, not even wizards vamp this hard.

Denzel Washington looks so good in this I’m not even going to complain about the mismatched names and faces. It’s acceptable when it’s one guy and one lady.

This looks like a porn movie and there’s nothing wrong with that. You think they mean “rut” like a tire track, or “rut” as in sexual thrusting? I hope it’s the second one.

Weird that we have two lip silhouette posters back to back this week. And speaking of overtly sexual posters… Do I even ask what that big splooge stain on the person’s cheek is supposed to be? Is “strawberry days” a sex act? I don’t even want to know.

Beautiful. This poster combines the inexplicably diagonal horizon line cliché with the gun-as-overt-phallic-symbol cliché. And it stars a no name actor in a smart v-neck. I only hope this is the worst poster this week.

There have been a lot of these Rorschach/inkblot-style posters lately, but this might be my favorite. The minimalism makes it feel like a big deal.

An anguished love story, eh? Well, they certainly look anguished. Buck up! You’re in love! This one combines the close-eyed headbutt with the cheek palm to denote both yearning and xxxtreme passion. Like passion at levels it might not be safe for you to witness if you’re a nursing mother or take heart medication.

That cheek palm is such a sexy move. Sometimes I use that if I’m saying goodbye to one of my bros and he has his hands full or something. If we can’t shake hands or fist bump I’ll just cup his cheek in my palm and be like “Anyway, see you at the fantasy football draft!”

This is one of those posters where you just assume someone tricked Rob Lowe and Burt Reynolds into doing the movie five or six years ago and couldn’t get them to do any press for it so they had to reuse weird screencaps from the film.

Is anyone else troubled by how much Warren Beatty resembles Marlon Brando in this?

This is the first of a series of character posters for Sing, and I just have to say, the character design on this is pretty spectacular.

It’s an elephant in a hoodie! Pretty cute. Though shouldn’t the headphones be facing her ears, not her skull?

Look at his short little pants and big torso! Wonderful. Honestly, why aren’t all animated movies about anthropomorphic animals? This is a no brainer.

The characters are so fun to look at I almost don’t mind that this is going to be a musical.

He’s a little mouse saxophone player. And the coins are too big for his suitcase. All good things.

Okay, about the mismatched faces and names thing: Why would you match up the two most well-known actors and then scramble the lesser-known three?

This poster seems especially crotch-centric, which is doubly bold when the movie is called “Blood Wars.”

Coming in just under the wire, it’s this poster for Rupture. Noomi Rapace trapped in a confined space kind of evokes her awesome scene in Prometheus, but the playful font and stylized spiders make me think of a VHS slasher movie. It’s a weird mix of styles. But you know what they say, so’s your face.

Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.