Y’all, pickins be so slim this week! People are watching football, or watching them leafs change, or planning for All Hallow’s Eve (I got Bugsy a lion costume). What aren’t they doing? Solving murders. No wait, that’s not right. Let’s run that back. What aren’t they doing? Putting out quality streaming product for us to enjoy and smile knowingly toward. But, real talk, they probably aren’t solving murders either.
Let’s break it down!
Top Netflix Streaming of the Week (streaming)
Big Ass Spider!
Generally, if you include an exclamation point in your title you’ll find plenty of love from me. So far as I can tell this movie is about a largish spider, a spider who has grown, a spider who is fully engorged. In other words, a spider who will mess up your day. The other reason I chose this film is its Facebook page. In-between all the spider pictures they throw in random pictures of ladies in thongs. Well, sure. Why not? Know your audience.
Streamability: I guess? Once you’ve solved all the murders?
Top Netflix Memory of the Week (streaming)
30 for 30: Jordan Rides the Bus
One of the most inexplicable moments in sports; when MJ, #23, His Airness, went to play for the Birmingham Barons. Seeing the man’s big loopy swing, only able to hit a ball occasionally on accident, made me realize you gotta stay in your lane. My personal lane is Netflix Streaming columns that go nowhere, and Jordan’s lane was brutally bullying his teammates into submission until they all became Steve Kerr. This would be a bit like if President Obama decides to become a chimney sweep after his presidency. Or maybe a maple syrup salesman. You’d kind of say “Hmmmm” as Rush bloviated about it.
Streamability: Well, I’d say so, if you like the sports.
Actual Top Netflix Streaming of the Week (streaming)
In a World
A while back I talked about my Rhona Mitra obsession, and it was healthy to get that out there, at least according to my doctors. However, there’s another side to the coin, and that’s the Lake Bell side. She was the angel to Mitra’s devil:
But now she’s got herself a real live movie! That she directed! So we will support that, yes we will. Partly because lady directors are hard to find, and also because the trailer voice-over world contains multitudes.
Streamability: Ohhhhhh yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaah.
Top Netflix Scare of the Week (streaming)
Waaaaay too scary for me to watch, but I owe it to you to let you know it’s on Netflix. I saw the original at least. There’s something about people covered in blood that really gives me the heebie jeebies. This probably wasn’t as good as the original, that’s something we’re contractually obligated to say.
Streamability: Totally your call. I’m sure some of you clever cats saw it and can weigh in, sumo style.
Top Netflix “Take a Flyer” of the Week (streaming)
Nick Frost has earned our trust through works such as Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead. Rashida Jones has earned our trust through “Parks and Recreation”. The other guy was good in Bridesmaids. So why has no one ever heard of this? Marketing? A worrisome commentary on the media-industrial complex? It’s an enigma, like the awesome German music project.
Streamability: Well, I’m not the boss of you.
Top Paid Television of the Week
Vikings: Season Two (Amazon, $2.99 per episode, ouch)
If you haven’t watched “Vikings” yet, it’s pretty solid. First off, it’s on the History Channel, it’s their attempt to finally jettison all that boring history talk. Salut! I look forward to cocktail parties where we drone on and on about, “Why is there no HISTORY on the History Channel?!” Still, that’s no real reason to punish “Vikings”, because they have amazing death penalty laws AND hot Viking infidelity. There’s a lot to like. Heck, the opening credits are pretty great by themselves. It’s a bit “soap opera” at times, but just when it’s getting slow they pull some guys internal organs out and hang them over his ribs for sport.
Streamability: Why doncha?
Top Paid Title of the Week
Live Die Repeat: Edge of Tomorrow (Amazon, $3.99)
Call me a sap, but I really enjoyed this title. Tom Cruise was Cruis-ey and great. I enjoy Emily Blunt doing crazy hard yoga moves as training. Interestingly enough, they changed the title here, not naming the film Live Die Repeat initially probably cost them $20 million. No wonder the marketing guys all drive Porsche 911s.
I don’t have anything left to say, but I will caution you against couch torsion. It’s a global killer.
Laremy is on Twitter and would have been a terrible homebody Viking.