This Week In Netflix And Streaming: Gwyneth Goop Falls In Love, And Jesus The Gigolo

Every week I come to you, hat in hand, and try my darndest to deliver the best in Netflix and Streaming the Internet has to offer. Do I always succeed? No. Do I always try hard? Occasionally. Do I often ask rhetorical questions? Yes. But the point, and there is one, is that I do it for the fans. For you guys, for the true believers of both Netflix and Streaming, for those who have supported me through thick and also thick. LaremyFan66, this one is for you, bud. Long live and prosper.

Top Netflix Streamer of the Week
Thanks for Sharing
It’s cheating, but allow myself to quote myself:

It’s a lot like the movie “Shame,” only if you tried out McQueen’s expert-level film in a rom-com format, pop songs firmly embedded. Which is a lot like saying, “She’d be a beautiful giraffe, if only she wasn’t actually a stapler.” You’re never going to wish that stapler tall enough, are ya?

Excellent work, Laremy. Take it away, Laremy. Anyway, this film isn’t very good, but it is one of the only games in town. Mark Ruffalo stars, along with the GOOP’er, Gwyneth Paltrow, and the movie wildly vacillates throughout in terms of tone. Side conversation: Can Mark Ruffalo act? I’m inclined to think “yes”, but there’s some legitimate evidence to the contrary. Or perhaps he just picks bad movies. Although, if he was named “Marc Ruffalo” he’d probably have two Oscars by now. Regardless, let’s call him suspect and move right along.
Streamability: It’s almost worth a watch as a hilarious think piece / cautionary tale.

Top Netflix Streaming Horror of the Week
Dead Silence
I tend not watch horror, mostly because it horrifies me. I had bad dreams, and then I’m sleepy all day. Vicious cycle. Still, this looks to have all the elements horror fans look for. Sppoky masks, boo scares, kids getting the business, and the like. I did enjoy the thumping score to this trailer, hopefully that made its way into the movie. I’d also like to see a horror that’s completely set during the day, without lightning and rain. Call it Phoenix or perhaps Alaskan Summer Hours. I should be a producer.
Streamability: It’s streaming with your Netflix subscription, so if you need a date night horror, this one is rated as firmly mediocre. Do with that what you will.

Top Netflix Streaming Children’s of the Week
Axel: The Biggest Little Hero
If the groove is in the heart, we should also concede that some parents must be reading this column. Some of y’all have procreated (or at least semi-created). And if we’re going to service horror fans, we should service parents too. Service everyone in the ’14! This film looks pretty good to watch while stoned outta your gourd, though it seems like parents wouldn’t really have that option readily available. Then again, I know nothing Jon Snow. It also has an appallingly low IMDB score (4.4!). I don’t know why meanie parents (Or perhaps kids? They learn so quick these days to hate!) are rating this one so low, but it makes it very difficult to do my job because I do love the trailer.
Streamability: Maybe watch the trailer over and over. The movie is only 80 minutes if you wanna risk it.

Another Netflix Streaming Horror
The Tortured
The movies this week have been widely panned, much like a nice ahi steak. This one is no different, but maybe you’re in the mood for a horror double feature. Really, it’s getting impossible to predict your moods nowadays.
Streamability: Try Dead Silence first, based on crowdsourcing.

Paid Title of the Week
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (Amazon, Google = $3.99)
I know I keep quoting the lowest res price, when in reality it’s hard not to go hi-def, but it looks better if this movie only cost quatro bucks, because that’s closer to what it’s worth. The thing that really helps this film is how bad the original of the new franchise was. This one is more balanced, and almost good, especially if you forget the transient nature of the transaction.

It’s hard to figure out why we’re supposed to root against Jamie Foxx as Electro, the human battery, because he’s merely a confused introvert. But cheer against him we must, along with various generations of Goblins. The problem with most of these superhero movies is how utterly forgettable they are. The template has been established for them to be good enough to recommend, but they flit out of one’s mind in the same manner as fast food. I bet no one has ever tried that food metaphor before. Completely original.
Streamability: Sure, if you’ve got the excess cash laying around.

Another Paid Title

Fading Gigolo (Amazon, Google = $3.99)
They put the snazziest of posters on this one, to the point where they should be sued for false advertising. But who has the time? Or the lawyers on retainer? Warren Buffet, if you’re reading this, get on it. Also, I think you should start a non-profit called “Buffet’s Buffet” wherein you give away a free buffet meal to whomever walks in the door. You’re always going on about helping people, so I say you put your pancakes and crabcakes where your mouth is. Back to the movie, Fading Gigolo made around zero cultural impact, which is weird because it was a film that starred Woody Allen hemming and hawing. John Turturro directed. If none of that sells you, you’re probably like the vast majority of streaming watchers.
Streamability: Woody Allen fans unite!

Yet Another Paid Title
Only Lovers Left Alive (Amazon, Google = $3.99)
First off, it has an awesome name, but it was also highly regarded by those “in the know” (IE, my friends). As a vampire love story, it looks a lot like Twilight meets Eyes Wide Shut, and that’s a good hybrid. I’m a huge non-fan of Jim Jarmusch, but I can learn to forgive. You guys, that’s what it’s all about. Even if we don’t love each other anymore.
Streamability: Probably your best bet, besides the 80-minute stone-a-thon.

See you next week!

Laremy is on Twitter, and occasionally he even Tweets words of wisdom.