Top Netflix Streaming of the Week (streaming)
All-American Christmas Carol
This was the official synopsis I received:
Self-centered, unemployed good ol’ gal Cindy (Taryn Manning) has been popping out kids by different Daddy’s [sic] since she was knee high to a grasshopper, but she’s more interested in buying lottery tickets and doing what’s best for herself than parenting.
Ahem, I have a few minor quibbles (can one even HAVE a major quibble?) regarding this synopsis. First off, you can’t “pop out kids” when you’re knee high to a grasshopper. Physically impossible. Women must reach sexual maturity to be able to have children, that’s what’s kept Vince commitment free for years. No one denies this. Next, she’s described as “Self-centered” and “doing what’s best for herself”, in the same friggin’ sentence. Give me a period, man! And what’s with the “but” segue, when the first part of your sentence also indicts her? It’s like writing, “I’m into cuddles, but I also like snuggling.” How about more imagination in marketing copy, just in general? Here’s my take on it, I’ve made it awesome:
This little prick Cindy (Taryn Manning) has been fornicating with myriad notorious virile fellas since she was but a teen. Still, this jack shack is more interested in self-destructive regressive taxes against the poor than she is taking care of her little reptiles. Ugh. Hate her. Christmas!
I guess I just want to see a return to the glory days of marketing, when doctors could recommend cigarettes.
Streamability: I will go with no, even though my main man Meatloaf is front and center.
Top Netflix Recent Memory of the Week (streaming)
Heatstroke
On a family trip in the African desert, a research scientist unintentionally travels off course and is brutally murdered by an arms dealer. His girlfriend is put to the ultimate survival test as she attempts to evade the killers and protect his teenage daughter.
Wait, why is she trying to protect his teenage daughter? That chica should be on her own. How is the non-mom-non-wife (patent pending) a better mom than Taryn Manning? Also, have you SEEN Taryn Manning in “Orange is the New Black”? That will set your libido back a good couple months. Lastly, yikes, do NOT unintentionally travel off course and get brutally murdered. That’s a recipe for disaster!
Note: We actually talked about this title back in June, but you had to buy it then. Now it’s part of your Netflix package! Plus, you know, the first ten seconds of this trailer should be a Frotcast drop. [Vince’s Note: Look, if you guys have a suggestion for getting Laremy to stop talking about Heatstroke I’m all ears.]
Streamability: In June I said, “Maybe”. Now I’m in, whole hog. I can evolve.
Actual Top Netflix Streaming of the Week (streaming)
Venus in Fur
Let’s not get into the whole Roman Polanski (or Man-Ski as his friends call him) thing. Instead, let’s focus on how goddamn French this movie is. And the voiceover is deliciously 1977. This thing is so French I want to pour wine and butter on it. As for the film? I don’t know. Can’t tell. I can’t read.
Streamability: If you want to impress your friends and strike fear in your enemies.
Top Netflix Disaster of the Week (streaming)
Beethoven’s Treasure Tail
The actual Beethoven, the 1992 dog, is long dead, and yet these arrogant bastards keep trotting out a St. Bernard as if we can’t tell the difference. We can! I loved that original Beethoven doggy dog, and it was a nightmare when we had to carry him down the stairs in order to compost him. Many a tear was shed, but we’re environmental stewards, first and foremost.
Streamability: Never!
Top Netflix Doremus of the Week (streaming)
Breathe In
I interviewed Felicity Jones once, and she was the most cutest evar. I mean, so pale, so British, so much like tea and crumpets on a rainy London morning. I would have enjoyed getting with her. Like, sexually. I quite enjoyed Like Crazy from the same director, Drake Doremus (great Jennifer Lawrence bit in there), so I’ll probably check this out at some point, once I find the time away from my composting side job. [Vince’s Note: I liked Like Crazy, but I still can’t get over Anton Yelchin being caught in a love triangle between Felicity Jones and Jennifer Lawrence. Poor guy.]
Streamability: Oh, why not?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_9KMu0uBWI
Top Paid Curio of the Week
Persecuted (Amazon, $3.99)
I’m not totally convinced that Christopher Guest didn’t sneak out of retirement and ghost write this whole thing. The below “trailer” is ten minutes of pure fun, and if you stick with it for a couple minutes you’ll get to see:
1) A nefarious Senator trying to outlaw Christianity or something
2) That same guy gets a little kiss on the cheek, Judas-style
3) A real-life person say “This happens to be one of the most thrilling political thrillers.”
Streamability: It’s almost perfunctory, a must-watch, a strong recommendation. I don’t think you’re going to find this level of acting again any time soon.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMVvqVTEVbY
Top Paid Title of the Week
X-Men: Days of Future Past (Google, $3.99)
I remember seeing this, and thinking, “Yeah, okay”, but none of the actual memories remain. I mean, I have a passing recollection that they had Ellen Page concentrating really hard for most of the movie, and I definitely recall the scene with Quicksilver being great (embedded below). Other than that? Uh, more Wolverine? Prof. X does young James McAvoy stuff? It’s all becoming a blur, these superhero movies, just remnants of leather and catchphrases intertwined with my grocery list. [Vince’s Note: Here’s my review, since this is all about me.]
Streamability: Sure, support the man, why doncha?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYOL6c6mPsE
That’s all for now. Smooches!
Laremy is on Twitter and is looking forward to date night.