Guys, this is super sad, but it seems like Netflix took the week off, probably to be with their loved ones. One of the ways I determine what to feature is by getting an email from Joseph Netflix Jr., he lays it all out there so I can be lazy, but this week no missive was forthcoming. My normal “intelligence” sources (Google) dried up too. This might sound like a bunch of excuses, totally fair, but it’s also a way to extend the word-count so they still pay me. Sigh. I should have made this a column about doorbusting.
Top Streaming Title of the Week
Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – Season 1 (2013)
Truth is, I wasn’t personally able to watch this. In a theater, surrounded by deafening stimulus, sure, give me a guy with a metal arm. But the office staff they left behind on a TV budget? I’m going to have to pass on that particular action. Marvel/Disney/Pixar/ESPN/Star Wars/ABC will eventually buy the entire universe, and own all of us. But until then it’s our job to fight back.
Streamability: I mean, at least it’s a lot of content? Ugh. BBC “Sherlock” and “Firefly” are both on Nexflix too, maybe watch those instead.
Top Streaming Curio of the Week
Take it away, Mr. Synopsis!
A dapper tailor moonlights as a cannibal who preys on Eastern European women. Yet beneath his murderous facade beats a heart that’s still fully human.
Well, I like that he’s dapper. And I also like that he’s still fully human beneath that crazy murderous face. However, sidenote, wouldn’t the murderous part not be a facade? And why only Eastern European women? Racism? Or simply eco-friendly, due to greenhouse gas emissions from travel? There’s a lot to unpack here, but my guess is they will bail out on him eating people fairly quickly. Unless it’s a metaphor.
Streamability: Not for me, no, but I’m an “eat everyone” sort of cat, although Eastern European women ARE nice.
[Vince’s Note: I wasn’t sure if we could embed this trailer because it shows a lady’s nipple (*gasp!* *pearl clutch!*) in the screen cap, but you can watch it here.]
Top Paid Title of the Week
If I Stay (Google, $4.99)
You’re out there saying, “Yeah, but c’mon, this is one of them girl mooobies!” Still, hear me out. If you watch this film, and somehow make it through to the end, that’s like your emotions for THE YEAR. All of them. Guilt, hitting puberty, longing, acoustic music, and guys with that long kind of hair that sweeps over their eyes, it’s all right there for you. Yes, it is a terrible film, but it might just save you from having to feel anything until Christmas is over.
Streamability: You know you want it. Stick your head under the water for just a few seconds. Deeper. Relax, you’re home buddy.
Another Paid Title of the Week
22 Jump Street (Google, $3.99)
It wasn’t bad … it just also wasn’t good. I hate the tweener movies [Vince’s Note: Here is my review. Laremy can go watch Horrible Bosses 2 or look at his crotch if he wants to see what a tweener looks like.]. In a way, you sort of give them credit for admitting that this was a cash grab, winking like crazy, and generally hamming it up. On the other hand, you know, they did spend actual money that could have gone to worthy causes. It’s a toughie, one of those moral conundrums they were always talking about in World War 2.
Streamability: If it’s Friday night, and the mood is right.
Top Paid Reason to Think Cinema is Dead
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (Google, $4.99)
This, on the other hand, was sinfully bad [Vince’s Note: Laremy is correct this time.]. Ugh, that made me want to punch myself. I saw this movie when it came out and now I only remember how awful the voiceover was. That’s the sum total of my knowledge. I can remember a good 60 percent of the dialogue from The Big Lebowski, without prompts, and yet this dumpster fire has slipped from my memory like an Aegis Cruiser leaving port at 4am on a Sunday morning. That’s vivid, bro. Evocative. Everything this movie wanted to be, before it decided to spend a couple of hours trying to touch itself.
Streamability: Not even while abusing substances. This film is like a fluffer that bites.
Top Paid Curio
Into the Storm (Google, $3.99)
Strange that we’d encapsulate the four layers of disappointment with the paid titles this week. You’ve got your 1) Worthy if you’re dead inside, 2) Worthy if you’re apathetic and 3) Worthy if you’re a terrible voiceover completists. Now, finally, we arrive at the 4) Worthy if you lost a bet, have to watch, and are laughing maniacally as the rope begins to chafe at your skin. Whoa, I just realized I reviewed this movie. For this site! See? I worked in the band WHAM! in a big way during the review. Here’s another winner sample from that link:
They have the self-preservation instincts of a panda on a rocket ship.
You gotta like that action!
Streamability: If you are a good friend or family member of one of the leads. But not if you’re estranged.
That’s all for now. Love you guys, not sure if they having me working this shift on Thanksgiving, but if not, have a great couple of weeks!
Laremy is on Twitter and will voiceover your movie.