Welcome to another installment of This Week in Posters, the feature that puts all your movie posters in one place. Got a poster? Send it over. This week is big, as we’ve got Muppet Movie posters, bad X-Men posters, Horrible Bosses, and Jesus Photoshopping Christ, are you seeing this diagonal Kevin James abortion in the banner pic? Someone is just screwing with me now.
PAUL BLART: ZOOKEEPER. Look, this movie is called “Paul Blart: Zookeeper”, okay? Don’t listen to anyone who says it isn’t. Secondly, mother of God. The only thing I can think of was that the poster designer felt he (or she) had to keep upping the ante on making this look like the most terrible movie of all time, and after the trailer had a rapping gorilla, there wasn’t much room left to go. Oh the diagonals. This is like a bad version of Groundhog Day, where I keep cocking my head to the expecting a different outcome and AW GOD DAMMIT! IT’S THAT BADLY-PHOTOSHOPPED PICTURE OF KEVIN JAMES AND A GORILLA AGAIN! JEEVES, FETCH MY EYE BLEACH! …GAHH, I DID IT AGAIN!
Phew, nothing like some muppets to wash the Blart out of your mouth. So, the movie is called The Muppets, but they’re doing this whole semi-tongue-in-cheek ad campaign thing for a pretend rom-com called “Green With Envy”, hence the poster. I’m told there’s a Kermit the Frog hidden somewhere in this poster, but I can’t find him. (*checks underpants*) Nope, still don’t know where he is.
ACK! MUPPETS WITH LEGS! DO NOT WANT!
The Adventures of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn.
We saw the first trailer for this the other day. You can’t tell it’s a motion-capture project from the poster, which is definitely a plus.
The Adventures of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn, version 2.
Needs more camels.
According to Google Translate, this says “Goal in the Brazil accelerates Carla Veloso.” Aw, thanks Google Translate, you’re worthless.
Friends with Benefits, Australian poster.
Based on where he’s looking, I’d say he wants to f*ck her hairline. She does have a pretty sexy hairline.
Friends with Benefits version 2.
Here’s another version of the Friends with Benefits poster, only this time without JT hungrily staring at Mila Kunis’ hairline while she makes the international symbol for “my butthole.” Figures that one was the Australian poster, filthy hairline-f*cking convicts.
Here’s the US poster for Good Neighbours, a Canadian film which takes place in 1995, the year of the second referendum on the separation of Quebec oh my God I’m asleep already. It’s part of a long tradition of “floating head” movie posters. Luckily, one of the heads is Jay Baruchel, the Michael Caine of annoying Canadian Martin Starrs. Hey, wasn’t “Scott Speedman” a character in Tropic Thunder?
What the f*ck is that? Everything in this looks like it’s made out of one of those abstract stock desktop backgrounds you get when you first buy your computer. And are those his abs or a second set of saggy pecs? I admit, my purple alien anatomy is a little rusty. Boy, that last sentence really sounded dirty.
Aw, we’ve missed you Kevin Spacey. Anyway, the poster works better than the trailer, where they depict Kevin Spacey’s slave-driving psychosis as him making Jason Bateman drink 12-year-old scotch at eight in the morning. If drinking expensive scotch is what it means to work for a slavedriver, point me to the nearest cotton field.
If you want it to read “sleazy tool”, I think you go either tight t-shirt with dragon on it OR gross, short-sleeve rayon number, not both. KEEP PULLING YOUR HAIR OUT, SLAVE! I NEED MORE FOR MY COMBOVER!
Oh yeah, how awful it would be if your boss Jennifer Aniston was always trying to bang you. Excuse me while I find a tissue for… uh… your tears.
“Hey, know who I bet would know about crime?”
“A black guy.”
I hope Jason Sudeikis does that move the entire movie.
Put on a godd*mned helmet, not even America’s sweethearts are above the law. This looks like Wild Hogs meets a nice Chardonnay.
It’s a documentary about a chimp that was raised as a human child, and I’ve heard it’s amazing. And dressing a chimp like a human is pretty much a slam dunk as far as I’m concerned.
Huh. I love John C. Reilly more than my own family members, but that is a strangely ‘shopped poster. Needs more of this:
X-Men: First Class.
We’ve got a whole new batch of X-Men character posters. ARE YOU PREPARED?? So at least these ones aren’t inexplicably diagonal, but I must ask: where is the light supposed to be coming from? Are we just sticking lens flares in there at random now? Here, I’m going to make Drama Llama an X-Men character:
Huh. I admit, it does look more epic.
Anyone else suddenly craving Bob’s Big Boy?
NEEDZ LENS FLARES, PLZ.
Compared to how she normally looks, this is the January Jones equivalent of grinning ear to ear.
That’s Zoe Kravitz (yes, Lenny’s daughter) as Angel Salavadore. Compared to how she normally looks, I think I can guess what her mutation is. (*points to titties, car horn sound effect*)
STOP STANDING NEXT TO BRIGHT THINGS, MAGNETO, YOU’VE RUINED ANOTHER PHOTO.
Hold on, you haven’t fugged Jennifer Lawrence up enough yet. Maybe smear some dog poop on her.