That’s right, folks, This Week in Posters is back! I’m lazy, but even I couldn’t deny you this for too long. This week, we’ve got pictures from the set of 2 Hobbit 2 Furious, Pacific Rim mash-ups, Johnny Depp wearing necklaces, and much, much more. Stick around!
But first! Holy God, this Red 2 poster is straight out of the What Not To Do guide to Photoshop disasters. Gaaaahhhhhh why are they sideways?!? Why is John Malkovich a head shorter than Bruce Willis? Where is the sun coming from to make their shadows look like that? Why are there even darker DOUBLE SHADOWS where the shadows overlap?? Have I been inside too long? Is that something that actually happens? SO MANY QUESTIONS!
Listen up, confused Americans, I’m about to drop some Wiki knowledge on you:
Alan Gordon Partridge is a fictional radio and television presenter portrayed by English comedian Steve Coogan and invented by Coogan, Armando Iannucci, and other show writers for the BBC Radio 4 programme On The Hour.
Armando Iannucci you may recognize as the creator of Veep. I love Veep, as you can tell by my propensity to refer to people as “gold-plated shitgibbons.” I’ll probably watch this thing, and I’d suggest you do the same, if only so you can sound smugly superior when they do an American version in a few years.
Also: I’m a little sad that a Police Line isn’t called a Bobby Barricade in the UK.
Ahh yes, the ever-popular contemporary adaptation of/homage to Jane Austen. I basically treat girls’ love of Jane Austen stuff the way the girls I went to grad schoool with treat my love of MMA. Just nod and back away slowly. Hey, man, it’s cool, you do you.
Poor JJ Feild. I’ve never seen a name I’ve been more convinced is a typo.
Surprisingly, this is not an Asylum ripoff of The Ring. From the official website:
After the discovery of a lone grave on the couple’s new property, Eric challenges the group to a ghost hunt. Dave, who has knowledge of the area, offers up a location: an old, burned out prison.
Ha, classic Dave.
This acrostic sucks, what does “SHGEEC” mean?
I’m not big on the one-word pull quotes (who knows if “confident” is short for “I’m confident that not even the lowest child smut peddler could stomach distributing this cinematic hate crime”?), but I do like the visual. And selling “this has Joseph Gordon-Levitt and critical acclaim!” plays to the target audience perfectly.
I’d like to make a poster like this about myself for an online dating profile. “Hygienic” “Docile” “Won’t Rape You” “Pants.”
Here’s the latest recruitment-style poster for Ender’s Game. Is it just me, or do After Earth, this, and Pacific Rim all involve basically the same space suit?
OH MY GOD, SHE’S SO QUIRKY, STOP BEFORE I FALL IN LOVE!
I actually really like this poster. It does a great job of making me think I could keep up with Greta Gerwig on the dance floor.
You know, more and more I’m starting to think I might really like Hellaware. That’s the movie from whence came the fictional Juggalo-esque group that sings “I’ll Cut Yo Dick Off.” The video actually fooled us into thinking it was the real deal, and it takes a lot of finesse to pull off a believable Juggalo satire. It’s hard to parody that which already seems like parody.
Ooh, please, tell me more about elf psychology, Evangeline Lilly! What are their thoughts on gay marriage? Immigration? Pogs? I’m all pointy ears, haha get it??
[part of a new batch of Hobbit pics from Empire]
“What’s my motivation in this?”
“Your character is very apprehensive about fighting the dragon three movies from now.”
I’m glad the title tells me more about it than, say, Epic, but “Justin?” Seems a little… pedestrian, no? Also, would sidekicks be making gun fingers in the Middle Ages? See, this is why our kids suck at history.
The E in Chloe does not need an umlaut, now you’re just being ridiculous.
A former valedictorian quits her reporter job in New York and returns to the place she last felt happy: her childhood home in Connecticut. She gets work as a lifeguard and starts a dangerous relationship with a troubled teenager.
You want to sell this movie? Add just a subtle hint of camel toe. Not too much though. A little camel toe goes a long way, like saffron.
For one night a year, all crime is legal! Wait, no… what’s this one about again?
Here’s the Mondo poster for The Heat, courtesy of The Dude Designs/Drafthouse. Apparently if you look closely, there’s a Paul Feig cameo in there somewhere. Cool poster, but it seems wasted on such an awful-looking movie.
I don’t care how much this movie got booed at Cannes, nothing will keep me from watching Baby Goose punch people and look forlorn.
Yes I already posted this Pacific Rim/Jaws mash-up earlier today, but goddamn is it awesome.
Here’s a special edition Pacific Rim poster by Sergio Grisanti. If you showed someone this and then a Grown Ups 2 poster, and the person said they were more interested in Grown Ups 2, that person should be fired into the sun.
Oh look, it’s another Ring poster! Okay, not really, it’s actually a documentary about the large Hadron Collider. Not to be confused with the Large Hardon Collider, which is what I like to call your mom.
“Hey, come-a here for-a to give-a papa di kiss! Donna look-a so scared! What, you-a never a-seen a papa with-a di meat-a-ball a-sauce onna di mustache? S’amatta for a-you? Come on, a-papa make you-a nice-a pizza pie.”
It makes me so sad that they didn’t go with “ALWAYS BET ON PITCH BLACK” for a tagline.
It’s the new 2013 Pagani Huayra, courtesy of Paramount, which apparently appears in Transformers 4. You know, in case you were wondering what the starlets will be polishing at Michael Bay’s house this summer.
“Do you have one with flames?” -Michael Bay.
Courtesy of Disney, here’s Jerry Bruckheimer getting his star on the Walk of Fame, accompanied by his superpals Johnny Depp and Tom Cruise. That’s the least amount of accessories Johny Depp has worn since Gilbert Grape, he must feel so naked without an undone tie, a pocket square, six necklaces, a pair of dangling suspenders and a handkerchief in his pocket.
Is it just me, or does Jerry Bruckheimer have a really punchable face?
Here’s a poster for The Way Way Back, which seems destined to be one of those movies that I scream at everyone to go see that no one sees. I like the visual design, but they should be selling the crap out of Sam Rockwell’s character, who’s the most unstoppably lovable dude since Bill Murray. Comparing it to Little Miss Sunshine and Juno probably does it a disservice at this point.
Here’s another Japanese-style poster for The Wolverine. Is this just going to bomb like hell? I honestly can’t tell.
What? I pose like that blonde girl all the time. It’s totally natural.
[posters via IMPA, except where otherwise noted]