This Week In Posters: October 9th, 2014

These posters default to alphabetical order when I insert them, but it’s just as well because hot damn is this Big Hero 6 poster beautiful. It’s equal parts Italian futurist painting and Stalinist propaganda poster. Say what you will about the tenets of totalitarianism, dude, but those sons of bitches sure knew branding. This poster makes me wish I wasn’t colorblind. Is it even prettier than I think?? I bet it is, I bet it is.

A nice, old school poster for a nice, old school submarine movie. This looks like it could’ve come out in 1995. In a good way, like music. (*continues rocking out to The Toadies*)

Leaving the mismatched names aside, can anyone tell me what the hell that dude on the far right is looking at? It looks like he’s spotted a UFO. Is this movie about UFOs? Seriously, is it? I refuse to look it up.

Well, it’s sure not coy about what it’s about, is it. Which is probably a good thing, because I doubt “from the producers of Severance and Creep” is going to be packing them in the seats. Ha, “packing them in the seats.”

Ahh, the “defining chapter,” you say. Well that’s good. It would’ve been a shame if I’d sat through 15 hours of Hobbit movies only to see some throwaway horseshit cobbled together from the appendices or something.

Here’s Gandalf pondering how long to let the Hobbits fight it out with the bad guys before unleashing his massive magic spell that could’ve killed all of them in the first five seconds. I mean, I assume.

I guess this poster is accurate, given that 85% of these boring-ass movies consist of people in silly costumes having staring contests with each other. OH MY GOD, SO BIASED! MUCH SNARK! WOW! #RIPJOURNALISM

Oh look, it’s a magical Aryan. He has steely blue eyes, lives forever, and can kill anyone with a provincial accent just by being classy.

Honest question: do Keira Knightley’s lips ever close or are they always stuck in that slightly-parted, come hither pout? What do we call this, resting sex face? Not that I wouldn’t definitely do sex with her. Also, The Imitation Game looks way better than The Theory of Everything. That’s right, I said it. In this one, you don’t have to watch Eddie Redmayne pretend to be disabled. That seems like a big plus.

This is so subtle, I wonder what it’s about.

Like the teaser, Inside Out‘s poster is thoroughly underwhelming. This looks like the half-assed afterthought version of Big Hero 6.

Don’t set him off! He’ll explode, and he’s full of lens flares!

This is a cool image, and at the same time, it has that quality of unfocused provocativeness that makes me think Mr. Brainwash could’ve designed it. Bro, it’s like you’re smoking THE GOVERNMENT. Dang, dude.

OH SNAP, THE CIA INVENTED CRACK! But wait, wasn’t it heroin in the last poster? You don’t smoke crack out of a spoon, do you? Maybe you do, I don’t know. I’ll admit that I’m not a crack scholar. But the time a lady blew crack smoke in my face (which is a thing that can happen to you in San Francisco) she definitely wasn’t smoking it out of a spoon. I also saw some guy shooting heroin into his girlfriend’s leg on the street another time and my first thought was “oh how nice, he’s giving her stitches,” and I was at least three blocks away before I realized what I had seen. So perhaps I’m not the best person to complain about the accuracy of drug use depictions.

So anyway, I can’t tell if this is going to be a movie about chem trails or building 7, but I’m curious enough to Google the trailer, so it has that going for it.

A reporter becomes the target of a vicious smear campaign that drives him to the point of suicide after he exposes the CIA’s role in arming Contra rebels in Nicaragua and importing cocaine into California. Based on the true story of journalist Gary Webb.

Looks interesting. But honestly, of all the nutty sh*t the CIA has done, smuggling crack seems like one of the least shocking.

Is it just me, or does Leighton Meester sort of look like Lena Dunham here? Also, how dare you sons of bitches not put Adam Brody on the poster. I’ve been saying that guy should be a bigger star since Thank You For Smoking and I’m still waiting for it to come true. It it happens now it will be all because of us, like with Channing Tatum.

F*ck. Yes. God. Everything about this poster. I’ve seen this movie, and while my full review is still embargoed, let me just say that Jake Gyllenhaal belongs to the pantheon of all-time cinematic weirdos. If he’s not nominated for an Oscar for this I will be absolutely shocked.

I have to assume that Paddington is pretty terrible for Colin Firth to walk away from the world’s easiest pay check, but this is certainly the best poster released so far. Also, “Paddington” fits right in with the Peter Pan reboot called Pan and the Robin Hood reboot called Hood. As long as we’re recycling premises, I’m going to recycle a joke: it’s only a matter of time before we get a 300-style origin story for Dumpty. And Muffet, starring spread-eagle Jessica Alba as a sexy assassin fighting an army of spider people.

So is this about a guy who wastes camels with a machine gun? Color me intrigued.

Well, that looks cool. I’m going to go ahead and nickname this “Point and Shoot: The Story of a Guy with Way Bigger Balls Than Me.”

I saw this yesterday, and spoiler alert, I loved it. Still, the posters of this should really just be stills of Bill Murray with no embellishments. It sells itself.

See what I mean?

This looks like a great poster for “Awards Movie,” by Seltzer and Friedberg.

I like this poster, and I love the balls of using a simple logo for a movie with George Clooney in it. That said, I’m getting pretty sick of everyone telling kids “nothing is impossible,” as if it’s some grand statement or means anything at all. It’s as stupid a phrase as “giving it 110%.” Of course some things are impossible, what are you, three? I’m not even talking about the big stuff, just go try to get in and out of the DMV without wanting to murder anyone, and then we can talk about nothing being impossible.

I am sort of impressed with how few f*cks were given about making this look exactly like Into the Wild. (I saw it already, incidentally, here’s the review for those interested). That said, I liked the actual Into the Wild poster better.

Say what you will about the movie, that was a kickass poster.

Until next week, folks.