FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: Paul Blart Is Back And Blarter Than Ever

THIS WEEK IN POSTERS is back. As always, you can choose to view as a single page or slideshow, for easy loadin’.

Adaline is back, and they seem even more committed to their “Blake Lively looks good in different outfits” marketing strategy. (Also, time travel). That said, they could’ve tried a little harder than blue sky and a sundial. It’s like, who designed this, Salvador Da-lame? Moving on…

Oh Jesus. I did not know there was going to be an Amy Winehouse biopic before I saw this poster. No no no no. The girl died less than four years ago. Usually movies take a year or two to put together, so that should give you some idea of how much time they put into this one. At this rate, some enterprising producer should just greenlight a Miley Cyrus biopic now, to have it ready so the release coincides with her inevitable heroin overdose/freak donkey attack.

Based on the best-selling novel Red Slash by Sapphire. Seriously though, I have no idea what this movie is about. I like Tom Hardy and that costume, but I need a little more.

Here’s the slash going the other direction! That explains it! Okay screw it, I’m just going to Google it. According to IMDB:

A disgraced member of the military police investigates a series of nasty child murders during the Stalin-era Soviet Union.

Oh, well now I see why the posters are so minimalist. What was there to work with? I mean what kind of iconography could you possibly use to represent STALINIST RUSSIA.

“Okay, okay, key selling points of the movie: Fog. Traintracks. People not smiling. Can we fit all of that in a poster?”

First of all, their faces all look like they’re made of wax. Secondly, I enjoy the idea that anything about Entourage is about “dreaming big.” Like, DARE TO DREAM THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM of being friends with a guy who is famous for some reason! Is Vinny Chase the one who did the dreaming? The guy who’s famous for reasons never made clear to the audience? What was his dream, exactly, and what was so daring about it? Wait, hold on, a guy dreamt of being rich and famous? What an incorrigible romantic he must’ve been! You know what, you deserve all those Bentleys and planes, possibly talented eyebrow guy! Live it up, buy your obnoxious friend some shoes.

You have to admit, “From the studio that brought you X-Men: Days Of Future Past” is a much better tagline than “From the studio that brought you those other Fantastic Four movies we had to recast and disavow completely.”

Is it just me, or does that gun looks like it’s half the size of Reese’s entire torso? On the plus side, at least they put the right name over the corresponding face.

I like that there’s enough going on in this poster that I end up scanning around it trying to take it all in. And Anna Kendrick is an obvious draw. Still, what the hell is going on with that apron she’s wearing on the top of the cab? Who wears an ankle-length dress with an apron over it? She looks so Les Miserables I worry Russell Crowe is going to burst into frame and hit her with the butt of a musket (or a ham sandwich). I’m just going to assume the apron outfit plays into the plot in some way. Also, this movie I invented where Russell Crowe goes around hitting people with sandwiches feels like it might have legs.

“Best Friend. Hero. Marine.”

In other words, “Who’s a good boy??? Who’s a good boy??? That’s right, Max is! Max is such a good boy, aren’t you, Max??” (*wrestles dog to floor, rubbing belly*)

Look, I’ll watch a dog movie any time, but I’m not convinced I wouldn’t like this better if the dog had an actual helmet and gun that he used to fight terrorists, and instead of a weepy Remember the Titans movie it was more of an Air Bud war movie. Like, Air Bud: Canine Enemy Lines or something. Air Bud: Zero Bark Thirty.

Obviously, if you’ve been reading the site the last couple days, you’re already familiar with this poster. Nonetheless, I like it as much as a poster as I do as a Photoshop meme. Poster designers are probably better off focusing on one ridiculous stunt than trying to cram in a bunch of taglines and floating heads and crap. The Furious 7 poster should’ve been nothing but that skydiving car. Or just this gif:

I can’t get enough of that gif.

As a one-quarter Armenian, I approve of someone finally telling the story of my peoples’ brutal oppression. That nose looks very Armenian as well. I also think it would’ve been cool if they’d made the tagline his unibrow.

Owen Wilson?? Interesting casting. They’ve also made it appear Pierce Brosnan is hiding behind Owen Wilson, despite Owen Wilson not carrying a weapon. “Quick, distract them with some jokes, funny boy!”

Seriously though, you couldn’t come up with a less generic title than “No Escape?” Come see “Movie: The Movie.”

Sweet Jesus. The people behind Paul Blart are really committed to this “Segways Are Hilarious” idea, aren’t they? It reminds me of Gabriel Iglesias and his four separate comedy specials all with “Fluffy” in the title. On the one hand, it makes me want to scream “THAT’S A RIPOFF OF A SOUTH PARK JOKE AND IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY!” On the other, dude has four comedy specials. And Kevin James is rich enough to afford giant trough full of McDonald’s cheeseburgers at his wedding (allegedly), so all signs point to them being marketing geniuses. They should collaborate on a book about how to pick one sh*tty idea and ride it for a decade. Ha! “Ride” it! Literally! Like a Segway! (*blows brains out*)

Zip? Hipster talk? This movie feels like Daniel Songer wrote it.

It’s strange to see a poster where the biggest star on it is the girl from Modern Family. I mean even that weird Christian movie had Ted McGinley, Sean Astin, Brian Bosworth, Cybill Shephard, and Oscar winner Mira Sorvino in it. What does this one have? Nevermind, I’m not looking it up.

I’m pretty sure Kodi Smit-McPhee would get shot as soon as he set foot in the old west, just for being named Kodi Smit-McPhee. Also, what’s going on with this face in this? He looks all wall-eyed and pouty lipped, like they morphed Angelina Jolie and a Boston terrier. That said, Ben Mendelsohn was born to play a greasy old west weirdo, so I’m in.

So there’s that Spy movie, right? It’s a comedy, so they’re trying to parody that Spectre poster in this, I guess. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

WAIT JUST A GODDAMNED MINUTE. There’s a new Transporter movie and Jason Statham isn’t in it?? No one drives The Stath’s flash sazz wagon but The Stath! The Transporter Refueled, my eye (*spits on the ground*). I can’t wait until The Stath hears about this. He’s going to give every c*nt ‘e sees a good frashin’.

[all posters via IMPA]

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