This Week In Posters: Tak3n It 2 The Limit

Did you miss me, amigos? After a brief, Fantastic Fest-related hiatus, This Week In Posters is back, to celebrate all that is mis-named, photoshopped, and pointlessly diagonal in the world of movie posters. What’s on the space docket this week? Well, we’ve got the t3aser poster for the prequel to T8ken 8: Release the Kr8ken. What else you need?

First up, it’s 21 years: Richard Linklater, a documentary about… well, I think you can figure that one out.

It’s been said that the first 21 years defines the career of an artist. Few directors have single-handedly shaken up the film establishment like the godfather of indie, Richard Linklater.

I’ll be honest, I had to Google it to figure out when Billy Bob Thornton worked with Linklater. It was the remake of Bad News Bears, in 2005. Did anyone see that? I’m not sure reminding people of a Bad News Bears remake (his lowest rated film) is the best way to celebrate “the godfather of indie.” Nice to know Joey Lauren Adams is still around though.

As promised, it’s the new poster for the third Taken movie, Tak3n. What should we sell? Liam Neeson? The action? The revenge? Nah, man, just make sure they see the “3.”

“Gold is thicker than blood.”

I mean, it is scientifically accurate, so it’s got that going for it. It’s sort of a cross between the Devil’s Double poster and whatshisface Targaryen getting gold-bonded to death by Khal Drogo. It also inexplicably went for the folded-up piece of paper aesthetic, on… a police lineup backdrop? I dunno, man. Too many ingredients in the stew.

I feel bad for Haley Joel Osment, who gets far too much grief for not looking the same as he did when he was 11. Meanwhile, his parents don’t get nearly enough grief for naming him both “Haley” and “Joel.” Anyway, I hope he finds your mom before that banana goes bad.

I hope he plays a guy named “Ed.”

I believe that skyline is Berlin, and I’m not going to lie, I feel pretty cool for knowing that. I don’t know what this movie’s about, but looking at that poster, I like to imagine it’s the Heaven fantasy Richard Harrow was having when he (SPOILER ALERT) died underneath the boardwalk on Boardwalk Empire. RIP, Richard Harrow, my favorite TV character since Omar.

You had me at “Sizemore, Stallone, Trejo.”

If you’ll remember, this is that movie about Kevin Connolly and his scarf:

That picture will never not be hilarious to me. This movie looks so bizarre and bad in so many different ways that it could be the mindf*ck we hoped Southland Tales was going to be.

Announcing a movie where C-Tates plays an elf-eared space bounty hunter and then delaying the release might be the worst thing a movie studio has ever done. I’m thinking of filing a class action.

The movie is called “Playing it Cool,” in case you don’t read Korean, and if it involves Chris Evans playing every part in silly costumes you can count. Me. In.

I enjoy that they’re marketing this sort of like a superhero movie, where Jake Gyllenhaal’s superpower is being mega creepy. And based on the early reviews, that sounds pretty true to the film. Count me in. I’d been hoping he’d be an even twitchier, weirder version of his Prisoners character ever since I saw it.

Here’s the poster for Mortdecai, starring Johnny Depp, one of the worst trailers I saw this year. This seems to be ushering in a brave new era where you don’t even need Johnny Depp to recreate his silly reaction shots.

Poor Katie Holmes, all I want to do is make thetan jokes. 

HAHAHA, come on, that kid on the left’s eyebrows can’t be real. Someone Dreamworks’d him, right?

Would you believe this was a Sundance film? Crazy, right?

Philip, a writer waiting for the publication of his second novel, feels bored from his daily and his shaky relationship with girlfriend Ashley. In all of this chaos, his idol Ike Zimmerman offers him his summer home, an isolated place where he finds peace.

My first thought was that the title must be a reference to Philip Roth, and according to Alex Ross Perry’s Wikipedia page, his influences include Philip Roth, Vincent Gallo, Jerry Lewis, and Thomas Pynchon. That’s cool, mine are Gogol, Dostoyevsky, Le Petomaine, and Stephen Baldwin.

Referring to Mr. Roth and to Jerry Lewis and Vincent Gallo, kindred maestros of self-loathing and self-absorption, Mr. Perry said, “These are men who fearlessly and egomaniacally put themselves out there and become a target by allowing their face and their private persona to be open for discussion.” [NY Times]

I’m not sure I could hang with someone obsessed with Jerry Lewis and Thomas Pynchon who was born in the 1980s, but the poster seems very accurate.

Last Hijack is part documentary of a Somali hijacker, part magical realist animation. I don’t think I ever got around to writing the review for this, but I didn’t like it very much. 

I was standing in line for this at Fantastic Fest where, I think it was Matt Singer, decided that “John Wick” was going to be about a badass owner of a store that sells scented candles. There’s no way the real plot lives up to that one.

I can’t really argue with the strategy of giving us small glimpses of other planets in the Interstellar posters. Yes, Christopher Nolan, my body is ready.

Again, I like the space stuff, but at the same time, I could do with more Michael Caine and Matthew McConaughey. I’d watch this if it was just two hours of those two having a contest to see who could be more earnest.

Mother of God, look at all that tweed and muted patterns and plaid! Have you ever seen anything like it? Cor bloimey, Guv, I’s gonna ‘ave to put elbow patches on me knob for dis one, I am.

Oh look, it’s the Mount Rushmore of McKayla Maroney impressions. We shall beat back the Germans through subtle dismissiveness.

Felt has some buzz coming out of Fantastic Fest, the story of a girl creating an alter ego to overcome her male-inflicted trauma. I haven’t seen it yet, but this poster makes me feel queasy as sh*t in the best way.
You ever think space is just one big black light party? Just green dudes drawing dicks on each other with Woolite and stuff, listening to Kraftwerk?

I’m trying to remember the last movie with an alternate title, a la Dr. Strangelove (or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb). I’m so ready for the Keatonassaince.

Posters via IMPA.