This Week In Posters: ‘Ghost In The Shell,’ Kong Bites Helicopters, And Power Rangers

This Week In Posters this week begins with this poster for The Assignment, starring noted Hardcore Latina Michelle Rodriguez. This looks fantastic. I love that rather than just tilting the image like every crappy poster, they canted the title text a little. It mimics the feeling of being knocked sideways by the sight of a truly hardcore Latina. She’s so hardcore and Latin! And they didn’t even bother putting Sigourney Weaver in the poster even though she’s apparently in the movie. Which just leaves room for more hardcore Latinas. Two guns! Two Hardcore Latinas! Two kitchen fires! This is a movie that knows more is more. I’m going to see it twice.

This poster for Atomic Blonde looks like a Lou Reed album cover which I’m not sure is a bad thing. IMDb summary:

An undercover MI6 agent is sent to Berlin during the Cold War to investigate the murder of a fellow agent and recover a missing list of double agents.

Ah, so it’s about sexy spies? Has this ever been tried before?

Emma Watson stars in Smell The Glove, I mean Smell The Rose. Look at all those candles. Did there just used to be wax all over everything? Sheesh, olden times, am I right?

I like the gold rectangle. It makes these posters look like a National Geographic issue, or a vintage Houston Astros jersey.

So is Dax Shepard’s character’s thing that he’s always eating? …Huh. He has a really slinky body for a guy with such a big appetite. I don’t usually describe men’s bodies as slinky, but it feels warranted here.

I think it’s safe to say that this is this week’s best poster. The hand-painted look, the upside down cross with the pull quotes in the negative space, just fantastic. This makes me want to keep a dead sparrow in a ziplock bag and huff the death fumes before a big show.

Oh look, Diary of a Wimpy Kid has a sequel. I choose to remain willfully ignorant of this franchise. Why do I want to read some wimpy kid’s diary? The only diary I want to read is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s, about pumping weights and bangin’ chicks.

Fireangels: A Drifter’s Fury,” featuring a stone angel in a graveyard with some spooky leafless trees and superimposed ancient text. This feels like a horror movie mad lib.

This Free Fire poster feels like a rip off of that one Kick-Ass poster with more falling bullets, and I’m okay with that. That said, didn’t there used to be some unspoken rule about black guys not pointing guns at the camera in movie posters? Maybe the black guy shouldn’t be the only one surrendering in this.

This Free Fire poster looks more like The Nice Guys, and I’m still okay with that. I will see anything in which Sharlto Copley has a gun and a bad mustache.

This poster for Seven Hill City comes straight from IndieGogo and Uproxx‘s very own Brandon Stroud, which the Indiegogo campaign tells us is “a movie about death, God, Lynchburg, bulimia & wrestling. Wait what?”

And now it has this cool hand-drawn style poster, which kind of looks like it stars Daniel Radcliffe and a lady in a wig. This Summer… are you afraid to dye?

I still don’t remember what Ghost in the Shell was about, but this poster is creepy as hell. And it’s cool that they at least left the robots Asian. The rising sun on her face seems like overkill though.

I don’t even know where to start with the whole Scarlett Johansson/Ghost in the Shell white washing controversy, but if that’s even a possible concern, maybe don’t give the blonde lady a black anime wig? Just a thought.

I like this pose. It’s says “I’m pensive but I can’t stop arching my back sexily.” I know that feel.

This is a poster for How To Be A Latin Lover that parodies Fifty Shades of Grey for some reason. Maybe tell us what the hell your movie even is before you start doing parodies? Does being Latin lover involve seducing old chicks? Sure, why not. Sounds hilarious.

Are we about to get monkey punched? Heck yes. Isn’t this a Peter Gabriel song?

This is a pretty solid poster marred by the #interactivemarketing #calltoaction. Come on, man, I’m not going to complete a scavenger hunt for a movie I haven’t seen yet. Don’t make us do your work for you.

This monkey just gets bigger and bigger. I don’t speak zee Fronch, but according to Google Translate, that means “It is not a king he has become.”

I don’t really get it but I want to watch the monkey eat the helicopters. CHOMP CHOMP haha those people are dead.

“Great emotional heft,” you say? Sounds great. I like my emotions like I like my women and trash bags …Hefty. I don’t know what this is about but I have to imagine they swapped the names just to piss me off.

Uh oh, a closed-eyed headbutt! You know what that means! That’s movie shorthand for “yearning.” Also, both of these guys look really bad at running. You couldn’t get a still pic that makes it look like they’ve run before?

Also, there are lots of clouds backlit by sunlight. That usually means “faith-based” film. IMDb says…

After a teenager’s friends die in an accident, he finds running allows him to remember them perfectly. Running, however, also brings him notoriety. He is caught between keeping the past alive and making new memories in the present.

Huh, I think it’s just an “inspirational sports drama.” A lot of those tropes cross over.

By the way, the novel it’s based on was called Life At These Speeds, I’m not sure why they changed that. They certainly didn’t make it better. And if you’re dead set on changing it, why not A Mile To You? Why is there a 1 in there? Might as well call it 1 Mile 2 U.

So wait, is Josh Harnett the titular Ottoman or is it Michiel Huisman? Either way, that is a fantastically cheesy tagline. “The most dangerous place to be is in love.”

I also like that the men get to look out at the horizon but the lady just has to look at the man.

Finally we get to see the Power Rangers‘ faces! And it turns out they’re played by… uh… some people. No idea who those actors are, but that’s canon when we’re talking Power Rangers. Also, is that a robot T-rex with guns for hands back there? Bitchin’.

(*mother knocks on door*)

(*fumbling sounds*)

“Mooom, go away, I’m morphing!”

Morph me, Amadeus. Oh jeez, I just morphed on myself. Morph and Mindy.

“Together we are more.” I sure hope so, because on your own I don’t know who the hell you are. This one makes it look like Independence Day. Probably would’ve been more subtle without the flares.

Did we really need “Saban” in front of Power Rangers? I never knew what the hell that meant.

The Power Rangers franchise is the brainchild of Haim Saban, creator and producer of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers series that launched in 1993. Following its introduction, Power Rangers became the most-watched children’s television program in the U.S. and remains one of the top rated and longest running kids live-action series in TV history. The series follows the adventures of a group of ordinary teens who morph into superheroes to save the world from evil. [SabanBrands]

Weird that we never needed the producer’s name in front of Ninja Turtles or G.I. Joe. Funny how overt branding like that just makes the product seem more off-brand. I’m picturing Saban as this cigar-chomping huckster who won’t stop slapping you on the back and going on about how the kids are going to love his knockoff superhero show.

Ha, Emily Dickinson made you look at her flower, now she gets to sock you in the arm. Sorry, bro, them’s the rules.

“Sisters – Bound by love torn by flesh!” is a wonderful tagline. This movie was very French and this poster is pretty fantastic all around.

This poor guy broke his weirdly-shaped arm on the corner of that hoop! Should we do a Kickstarter?

Damn, I bet this girl has so much god damn moxie. Just look at the way the ascot met are looking at her. They’re looking at her agog like “Good heavens I can scarcely believe how much moxie this plucky lady has.”

If she says something cheeky I’m going to shit my pants.