“Hey, kid, you like movie trailers? Good, ’cause, uh… I got a bunch of them.” -A drug dealer who’s bad at wordplay.
So a bunch of trailers hit recently, and if I gave them all their own post, they’d bury all my other content (NO ONE WANTS THIS!). So here they are in one place. We cover Premium Rush, the Joseph Gordon-Levitt bike messenger movie, The Thing remake, The Big Year with Steve Martin and Jack Black, and a kick-ass looking action movie called The Raid.
“I like to ride. Fixed gear. No brakes. Can’t stop. Don’t want to, either.”
Jeez, what are they trying to do, explain why everyone hates fixed-gear riders? “Yeah, so I just took all the necessary safety equipment off my ride so I can look cool when I crash into stuff and blame it on everyone else. My plan is to deflect cars with the force of my coolness. Neat, huh?”
Anyway, it looks like it’s trying to do for urban bicycling what The Fast and the Furious did for street racing. “I LIVE MY LIFE A QUARTER CAN OF PABST AT A TIME!” And by that I mean of course, OOOH WHA-AH AH AH BIKE PARKOUR!
THE BIG YEAR
“They’re men, dear. If they stop competing, they die.”
Wait, isn’t that sharks? If they stop swimming they die? Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s sharks. Anyway, The Big Year, based on the memoir The Big Year: A Tale of Man, Nature, and Fowl Obsession, stars Jack Black, Owen Wilson, and Steve Martin in what I thought was a film about a bird-watching competition, though you’d never know it from the trailer (WOULDN’T WANT TO ALIENATE THE NON-BIRD WATCHERS IN THE AUDIENCE). This seems to be a comedy about men falling down. At least, that seems to be the only joke, hence they re-use it… five times, by my count. Nonetheless, I’ll still be seeing this, probably on opening night. I CAN’T RESIST YOUR SIREN SONG, ANTHONY ANDERSON! YOUR PORTLY URBAN SASS WINS THE DAY YET AGAIN!
Oh boy, a remake of a horror movie. Hey, does anyone have some ice and a cold compress? I think I strained my wrist dismissively wanking.
See, now THAT looks good. You gotta love a trailer that’s just two minutes of wordless sword and gun play (much like my lovemaking).
Deep in the heart of Jakarta’s slums lies an impenetrable safe house for the world’s most dangerous killers and gangsters. Until now, the run-down apartment block has been considered untouchable to even the bravest of police. Cloaked under the cover of pre-dawn darkness and silence, an elite swat team is tasked with raiding the safe house in order to take down the notorious drug lord that runs it. But when a chance encounter with a spotter blows their cover and news of their assault reaches the drug lord, the building’s lights are cut and all the exits blocked. Stranded on the sixth floor with no way out, the unit must fight their way through the city’s worst to survive their mission. Starring Indonesian martial arts sensation Iko Uwais.
It played at TIFF, and the reviews coming out have been glowing. I haven’t seen it yet, but it looks kind of like an Indonesian Elite Squad 2. I really wish they’d release that here so people would know I’m not crazy. Elite Squad 2 was so kickass, I had to keep pulling my underwear out of my crack like this: