Aaron Sorkin’s lost Amazon product reviews

Here in America, we don’t need the coronation of a king or the birth of Jesus to hold a holiday, just a handful of dudes looking to earn some green. Black Friday, the holiday that comes a day after Thanksgiving that we celebrate with rednecks pulling guns on each other over bargain-priced flatscreens, eventually begat Cyber Monday (that’s today!), another consumer-product based holiday, this time for those of us who’d rather buy our sale-priced electronics online. As a man who once bought sweat pants off Amazon, and who’d avoid the mall even if I was with my dying mother and her dialysis machine was there, Cyber Monday is much closer to my heart.

Even the relative technophobes among us love to online shop, and in honor of Cyber Monday, we choose to celebrate the most famous of them, Newsroom creator, social media skeptic, and all-around Hollywood titan, Aaron Sorkin. Through his hacked, seldom-used now defunct Twitter account, FilmDrunk was able to exclusively uncover Sorkin’s Amazon history, and it turns out, in addition to being a prolific, politically-minded writer of acclaimed film and television, Aaron Sorkin is also the author behind a number of snappily-written Amazon product reviews. It makes so much sense when you think about it. Thus, we celebrate Cyber Monday by sharing with you a cross-section of Aaron Sorkin’s recently-uncovered Amazon product reviews. (*cough* parody, please don’t sue us! *cough, cough*) Enjoy!


Wine Ages, Bullshit Doesn’t
By EruditeLuddite

I bought my Danby wine cooler the day Colin Powell went in front of congress to make the case for Iraq’s WMDs. Had my ex brother-in-law Bob over that night for wine and medium rare chateaubriands. Bob’s a gun nut and a Jesus freak, and we argued about the legality of pre-emptive military action and the blackberry overtones of a ’78 merlot. “They taste like college, Bob, you probably wouldn’t notice them,” I told him.

Anyway, history hasn’t been kind to Powell, or to Bob (SHOCKING, right?), but thanks to my Danby, I won’t ever lose the blackberry in my merlot the way we magically lost Iraq’s WMDs. I prefer the aluminum finish.

How Much is Too Much?
By EruditeLuddite

The LightSpeaker In-Ceiling Lighting and Audio System combines an LED light and an Mp3 audio player in one, it’s really quite something. Versatile, kind of like myself. The environmentally-friendly LED light, as an alternative to the incandescent bulb, is a perfect, easy way to lower energy costs and carbon emissions, something’s that’s good for everyone, even if house republicans and their buddies in the coal lobby want to paint it as some kind of “state’s rights” issue (YEAH RIGHT). (When a state wants to offer healthcare for disabled kids, where are they? Nowhere to be heard from). Not for nothing, you can also screw it right into a regular light fixture, no tools required. It’s funny, my dad, who was incredibly handy, while I’m incredibly… not, was always pressuring me to take a shop class. Now here I am, a middle-aged man with eight book shelves and no toolshed. Go figure. I could borrow tools from my neighbor, but let’s face it, no one talks to their neighbors anymore.

The Mp3 player is very “convenient,” but do you ever stop to think that all this convenience might not be such a good thing? I mean sure, I can fit all my Fleetwood Mac records into its squintillion megs of pentium, but do you remember what it was like to open the dust jacket of a 45 you’d bought with your hard-earned house painting money? People use to pay money for music, remember that, internet boys and girls? Of course you don’t. But take it from this old fossil, the smell of the vinyl, the hiss of the needle, the flick of that zippo as you lit up some grass and gave it a turn… It’s like Shakespeare as it was meant to be done. To say nothing of the fact that people just cared about music back then. You can make music easier to listen to, but not even some fancy digital tape deck can tell you what it’s like to really appreciate it. I know I’m just an old dinosaur, but I think music sounds better on vinyl. There’s magic to it. Just my two cents.

Makes a Great Paperweight
By EruditeLuddite

My daughter Katie bought me this for Father’s Day last year, and I’m still not sure what the hell it does. Looks like a hockey puck. I tried to ask the Indian kid to show me how to use it, but he’s still PO’d that I called him “Slumdog.” Jeez, uptight much? Anyway, you plug it into your TV and you get… what, more TV? You ask me, the last thing this generation needs is more TV. Hey, Katie, I downloaded you a new Facebook app, it’s called “going outside.”

Worth It
By EruditeLuddite

If you’re a topspin offensive player like me, it’s worth it to splurge on a premium racket. Sure, you can get an old dimpled paddle at the local drug store next to the cream of mushroom soup, but you’re just not going to get the kind of English I like to put on the ball with some ten-dollar piece of crap, and you know it. Stop kidding yourself. People these days, they don’t remember what it was like to save up for something. It’s all NOW NOW NOW instant gratification. Trust me, boo boo, you’ll appreciate the value of delayed satisfaction real quick when you’re trying to return one of my overhand screamers with your unpadded, glorified piece of cardboard. Just don’t take it out on my nice table when you start getting shelled.

By the way, I prefer the flared handle. Maintaining your reaction time and racket maneuverability requires staying relaxed through your fingertips and forearms, and that starts with a light grip. The flared handle gives me the confidence to stay loose in my hands. It’s probably more of a peace of mind thing than anything else, but you can’t convince me that it doesn’t make a difference.

The Hell is This? 
By EruditeLuddite

I came across these as I was trying to buy some guest rackets for my game room. But when they arrived, it turned out they were only a couple inches long. Is this some kind of joke? Because I sure don’t get it. They should really include something in the photo for scale, to say nothing of the possibility that the seller was deliberately misleading to save on material costs. File under: more technology, more problems. Amazon needs to nip this in the bud quick if they care about their customers. It seems that more and more, people are demanding less and less of each other, and that’s sad.

The one star was for the speedy delivery, which I do appreciate.

The Perfect Gift
By EruditeLuddite

Had these printed myself, and they’re never more relevant than they are now. Makes the perfect, post-election gag-gift for the conservative bubble-dwellers in your office. We tried to pierce their bubble with our… you know, facts… but they just didn’t want to hear it! Bid your favorite loser no hard feelings with this clever mug, and toast to our new, post post-fact society.

I considered making it more of a highball glass rather than a mug – get it? because you can’t “handle” the truth? – but that seemed a bit much.


Vince Mancini lives in San Francisco where the weather’s always smuggy. Vince on Twitter. FilmDrunk on Facebook. The FilmDrunk podcast (Frotcast) on iTunes.