Entitled Man-Child has some Star Wars Episode VII advice for JJ Abrams

JJ Abrams is set to direct Star Wars Episode VII for Disney, for release in 2015, and despite Star Wars being the biggest film franchise in history owned by one of the world’s largest media corporations, some people still insist on treating the franchise like it’s the the cover of their seventh grade diary and someone’s going to come scribble on it.

Enter Prescott Harvey and the agency Sincerely, Truman, who spent five months making this two-minute animation called “4 Rules to Make Star Wars Great Again.” Using voiceover and animation, it’s basically a road map to help guide JJ Abrams through their idealized childhoods. Of course, the only advice you should ever take from a guy named “Prescott” is what type of underpants will tear away during brutal melvinings.

“I’ve spent most of my recent years wondering why the original ‘Star Wars’ trilogy was so awesome, and the new movies were so terrible,” Harvey told sci-fi site io9, which debuted the video. “I took an empirical approach, determining what elements were in the original movies that differed from the prequels. […] After that I started brainstorming with friends, and reading online opinions. Gradually a script took shape.” [LA Times]

“My main finding was ‘not a kid anymore,’ but I had some other thoughts and put them in a video.”

Their thesis:

1. The Setting is the Frontier.

Star Wars doesn’t happen in the city. It doesn’t happen in parliament. Or in the library. It happens out here. Away from civilization. Amidst smugglers and bounty hunters. Star Wars is a western. And it’s set in the frontier.

Yes, because that’s what’s important, the setting. When you’re making seven movies, the important thing is that they all be set in the same place. That’s why Jerry Bruckheimer never makes any money on all those CSI shows. IT’S THE SETTING, STUPID.

2. The Future is Old

Star Wars’ beauty isn’t clean. It isn’t new. It’s dirty. Gritty. Second hand world. The beauty of the frontier.

Wait wait wait, you’re telling me this reboot should be dark and gritty? Get the president of show business on the phone, I don’t think this approach has ever been tried before.

3. The Force is Mysterious

We don’t always need an explanation. The greatest power of the force, is the sense of magic. That comes from the unknown.

Take your logic and coherent storytelling and cram it, Poindexter. We’re here to watch two guys grunt while shooting lightning bolts from their hands. Does the grunting make them lightning bolt better??? No one knows! THAT’S THE MAGIC OF IT!

4. Star Wars Isn’t Cute.

Walk into the wrong bar, lose your arm. Don’t pay your debts? End up in carbonate. The frontier is a dangerous place. It’s never cute! Or silly! It’s not child-proofed! It’s freaking Star Wars! And Han ALWAYS shoots first.

That’s so true about Star Wars never being cute. I mean, it’s not as if the main character was a floppy-haired Ken doll who by the third movie ended up on a planet full of living teddy bears or anything. Like, DUH. This franchise isn’t about SELLING TOYS TO KIDS! It’s Star Wars! And Disney!

So there you have it, JJ Abrams. I hope you and your Disney buddies hew closely to this established formula. We’d all hate it if you created something new that didn’t closely resemble Prescott’s stupid, stupid childhood.

Here, we’ve drafted a petition out of Doritos crumbs and signed it with our unexamined nostalgia. It just says “PRESCOTT’S ROOM, KEEP OUT.”

(And yes, the video comes with a petition, because of course it does).