A Video Review of Denny’s New Hobbit Menu

It seems like it was only yesterday that I was telling you about Denny’s new The Hobbit-themed menu, featuring items such as the “Hobbit hole breakfast,” “The Ring Burger,” and “Radagast’s Red Velvet Pancake Puppies,” because who wouldn’t want to eat food named for a character with bird sh*t caked down the side of his face? I hope he prepares it himself! Ah, remember when all Denny’s needed to sell their food was an old lady who couldn’t get the name right? Those were the days. Anyway, a pair of brave souls, Rob and Heather Beschizza of BoingBoing, recently embarked upon a quest to sample these menu items. I go to Denny’s for non-gross food like I visit hookers to learn calculus, so it’s no surprise what they found – fried stuff, more fried stuff, and soggy disgusting sandwiches with unspeakable amounts of mayonnaise. Did you know “Gandalf’s Gobble Melt,” in addition to being a great euphemism for your mother’s vagina, is actually a grilled cheese sandwich filled with fried cheese sticks? Yum! At least, that’s what the picture said it was supposed to be. In the video, it actually looks like a mayo-braised turkey sandwich topped with dog puke and a side of gravy. Check, please!
Surprisingly, the red velvet pancake puppies actually look like the most appetizing of the bunch, probably because it’s hard to f*ck up fried balls of dough (not that there’s anything wrong with that). In any case, I’ve helpfully included pictures of all the food featured, so you can experience this hobbit feast vicariously. You can practically feel the diarrhea through the screen! I heard Peter Jackson wanted to design it so that each breakfast takes three hours and you don’t get bacon until the third visit. In the “number one”, you actually just pay to watch the waitress walk from the table to the kitchen.

Hey, you know what’s a scary way to introduce a new food item? “You asked for it.” If I can’t tell if you’re about to feed me or give me a beating, that’s probably a bad tagline. Rule of thumb going forward.
They introduced both of these as “Gandalf’s Gobble Melt”, but I’m pretty sure those aren’t even the same menu item. I never thought I’d say this, but the fried cheese-stick grilled cheese actually looks better. Then again, that’s the stylized menu version. Yo, G’Dalf, how ’bout you miracle my ass a vegetable.
So… is that basically a turkey sandwich with stuffing on top and a side of *gulp* …dipping gravy? Jesus.
Incidentally, Dipping Gravy was my favorite Marcy Playground album.
Ahh, nice, I see half the sandwich comes caked with three inches of mayo – hey, maybe this one should’ve had Radagast’s name on it – and the other side no mayo at all. It looks like one of those black and white-dipped cookies.
Okay, that actually looks kind of tasty. I like that it’s basically a donut, but you still get a sweet dipping sauce with it. What am I, supposed to eat plain old chocolate cake with no syrup? But it’s so bland! “At last, I can control the amount of jelly in my donut myself!”
Pretty standard. I’d f*ck with that burger.
Here’s a peek under the hood of the G’Dalf Gobble melt. Hey, how about instead of me eating this, you digitize me and then we get Andy Serkis to animate my reactions to it? It will be so much more emotional that way. That Andy Serkis, such an actor. So brave. So, so brave.