I debated even doing a post like this this year, it just sounds so self-congratulatory. And I worry our little self-referential circle jerk isn’t exactly going to win me new readers. But at the same time, hardly a day goes by that I don’t read a comment on one of my posts that’s ten times more clever than whatever I thought of, and likewise, half the compliments I get for this site tell me how funny my commenters are (way more than I get complimented for my actual writing, that’s for sure). I don’t know whether to take credit for that or be offended, but whether I did anything to deserve it or not, the FilmDrunk comments section is one of the few comments sections on the web (especially in the realm of movies) not dominated by people competing for most righteous indignation, or most vitriolic argument over esoteric minutia.
Therefore, I not only wanted to give thanks, but also prizes. Below I’ve compiled the winners (or winners) of every Comments of the Week this year. Place your votes for your favorite in the comments section (make sure to specify name and number, a couple weeks had multiple winners). The winner will receive a $50 Amazon Gift Card, and I’ve got FilmDrunk shirts for the top five. They’re two-color now! (Thanks again to Marc at Encompus for his design). They haven’t physically arrived yet, but as soon as they do (Tuesday, I’m told), I’ll update you on where you can buy one.
So GO VOTE! And I hope this goes without saying, but don’t cheat. Vote for one, and don’t create a billion accounts to vote for yourself, we’ll be able to tell. It’s tough to choose, but I think my favorite was “that clip was so British my pack of smokes just started buttf*cking,” but don’t let that sway you.
1. From The Finnish Dog Who Mocked Hitler:
Donkey Hodey says: The Americans had a problem with the dog too, as every time they would say “FDR” the dog would scoot his butt across the carpet like it was pulling itself in a wheelchair.
2. From the latest Kate Hudson trailer
ChinoMoreno says: “I told you meeting Whoopi in the afterlife causes cancer.” -Patrick Swayze
3. From Kevin Smith on working with Bruce Willis: “I had no help from this dude whatsoever.”
Chareth Cutestory says: “I really should listen to this jorts-ensconced taint enthusiast.” – No one, ever
From Armond White cares not for bourgeois oppression
Stinky Peet says: Armond White uses Vistaprint™ for bulk discounts on his race cards.
4. From Chet Haze’s Twitter is Str8 Bonkerz
Michelle07 says: he sent me that mixtape!
Come Sail Away – Styx
One Night in Bangkok – Murray Head
Lady – Styx
Electric Avenue – Eddy Grant
Now That We Found Love – Heavy D
I Saw Your Mommy – Suicidal Tendencies
Heart and Soul – T’Pau
In all honesty yes, it was pretty bonkerz. I can hear Tom now, “Damnit Chet, we named the cat BONKERZ!”
5. From January Jones says X-Men is Behind Schedule
Stone Soup says: ‘January Jones has told the Canadian press that Matthew Vaughn’s X-Men First Class is rushed and over schedule.’
The interviewer responded “That’s great, mind if I put my mouth on your milk bags?”
6. From The First Look at Detroit’s Robocop Statue:
Asher says: They could also wire the statue to give off heat. Bums could sleep around the base to keep warm, and it’d look like Robocop just slaughtered a pile of hobos.
7. From The Best Quotes from Charlie Sheen’s Howard Stern Interview:
The Jersey Devil says: Charlie Sheen will go before a judge next week to have his name legally changed to “Gnarly Sheen.”
From Channing Tatum Will Star in the Peter Pan Origin Story, “Pan”
Fek’lhr says: Flava Flav is pretty much a shoe in for the crocodile at this point.
8. From The Smurfs trailer:
Deaux Deaux Deaux says:
Charlie Smurf’s Smurfifesto:
1. No smurfing. No judgement.
2. Leave marriage to the smurfs and the Bible smurfers.
3. Don’t smurf the smurfs and trolls who lay down with their ugly smurfs in front of their ugly children and look at their smurfing lives.
4. You have the right to kill, but you do not have the right to smurf.
5. Don’t smurf interviews. Smurf warnings.
6. Either love, or hate. But you must do so smurfingly.
7. Smurf everybody that’s not in your family because they are there to smurf you and they will come at you in all forms and shapes.
8. Don’t smurf in the middle. That’s where you get smurfed. Where you get embarrassed in front of the smurf queen.
9. Hang on to your resentments. They smurf your attack. They smurf the battle cry of your deadly and dangerous and quiet battle smurfs.
10. Look fear right down the smurf.
11. The only thing you should be addicted to is smurfing
9. From Steven Seagal Brings a Tank to a Cock Fight post:
jammalamx1 says: The NY Post’s headline: SEAGAL BUSTS JESUS’ COCK RING.
10. From the Racist Olsen Twins Tip an African-American Saxophone Player with Chicken:
Mel_Gibsons_Beaver_Puppet says: HEY BOOGER TITS!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DANCE LIKE PIGS IN HEAT!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU GET RAPED BY A PACK OF SAXOPHONE PLAYERS IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11. From A Dolphin’s Tale looks incredible on every level:
Chareth Cutestory says: “Shooting my way through the Khyber Pass on my fourth tour, I shoulder-rolled onto an IED to save the entire squad.”
“I see. Well this inspiring dolphin got tangled in a rope.”
12. From trailer for Abduction:
KyleCows says: Awwwww, sick Sleigh Bells track in the background, yo. I totes herd that dopeness when I was shoppin for kicks @ Urban O’s.
But 4 reel, I need to c this flick. I totally thought of a simLear idea while I was lifting weights @ my H.S. gym. I was like “what if my parents got killed but then I could be like a hero with like action and stuff.” It’ll be cool to c my vision brought 2 life.
13. From Simon Pegg’s 1995 stand-up comedy clip:
galwaygirl says: There’s so much British in that clip that my pack of smokes just started butt f*cking each other.
From Nic Cage sadly not dressed like a bear during latest domestic violence incident:
Glowworm says: Alcoholism is a slippery slope; so is his wife.
From Bryan Singer explains that Superman Returns was actually a Jesus metaphor:
Chareth Cutestory says: Because who better to embody the metaphor of a spindly Jewish pacifist than a square-jawed ripped Aryan who’s always punching people into the sun?
From Yo-Yo Ma performs with L.A. dancer Lil Buck:
ChinoMoreno says: Black and yellow, black and yellow…
14. From the new trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathlier Hallows
Stallonewolf says: Sex with Emma Watson? Why I’d be lucky if I didn’t blow my load before I got the sorting hat on.
15. From my Fast Five review:
Juan Carlo says: I think (once again) you’ve missed the greater underlying subtext of the film. Had you been paying attention you would have realized that the Vin Diesel character actually DID go to prison and the rest of the film was just an elaborate fantasy projection he concocted for himself to escape his harsh reality–i.e. the near constant and brutal anal rape that accompanies prison life. So while Diesel might appear to exist in a larger than life, WWF, style version of reality, the astute viewer would realize that every time another absurd action set piece begins, this is really just a fantastical cue to the audience that Diesel is, once again, being anally violated–and the more outlandish the set piece, the worse the violation. Personally, I think “Fast Five” is possibly the best filmic representation of the psyche of the abuse victim since “Transformers.” And (dare I say?) I think it might even belong in the same echelon with what I consider to be the single best treatment of the topic, 1991’s visceral and fearless “Mannequin 2: On the Move.”
16. From Tarantino wants Will Smith for his slave western
Chino Moreno says: He whistled for a boat and when it came near, the license plate said Amistad and he picked cotton for a year.
Emily Browning plays a comatose prostitute again
Chino Moreno says: Lame. I don’t need drugs to just lay there during sex.
17. From Crystal the Monkey steals Hangover 2 premiere
Chino Moreno says: Dolce & Banana
18. From Waiting Game is the abstinence comedy of the year:
DavidNowacki says: Why is the dog sitting like that? I’m not Christian, is part of it beating off dogs?
19. From my Super 8 review:
Josh M says: My generation (white, male, middle-class Americans between 25 and 35) has the annoying tendency to value nostalgia over emotional and intellectual maturation. At some point, the Wolfman should cease to have nards.
20. From Al Pacino’s awesome headband:
ChinoMoreno: Scarfface
La Schmoove: First you get the money, then you get the headbands, then you get the women.
Argentino: Is that Tony Bandana?
davidnowacki says: HATTICA!!! HATTICA!!!
21. From the trailer for the Footloose remake has line dancing:
Chareth Cutestory: Reached for comment, Kenny Loggins laid motionless on the deck of a dilapidated catamaran.
22. From Chet Haze Show Not Particularly Off the Hook, Says Witness:
Michelle07: Awww SH*T! I missed this show? Damn, why nobody call DJ SkittleCoot?
My rhymes are so sweet and delicious.
I sneak in some zucchini so you know it’s nutritious.
Necco Necco wait for my Necco Necco wafer. Unh Unh yeah
*Drops Baby Ruth
I’m OUT!
23. From The Steve Buscemi Dress:
ChinoMoreno says: Yeah, that’s just what I need. One more pair of men’s eyeballs on my rack.
ChinoMoreno says: There should be The Shining panties to cover your axe wound.
ChinoMoreno says: I’ll take the Ryan Dunn PJ’s to wear when it’s time to crash after a night of heavy drinking.
24. From Red State Looks Actiony:
Chareth Cutestory says: I heard Kevin Smith discovered Dutch angles only after the camera crane buckled.
YOUR OCCASIONALLY CHARMING INTERVIEWS DON’T IMPRESS ME, YOU PORTLY DILETTANTE!
25. From the First Pictures of Superman’s Suit:
Dean Machine says: “I’m not going to wear underwear on the outside of my suit, that’s gay. But I am going to put a giant ‘S’ on the chest. ‘S’ for ‘Super.’”
26. From Rupert Wyatt Wants Full Metal Jacket with Apes:
spazmodic: INT. NIGHT: Sergeant Hartman’s private head. Primate Pyle sits in the cubicle gloomily cradling his loaded rifle. Scratches his butt, sniffs his finger, falls off can.
27. From Channing Tatum sought as Brad Cooper’s replacement in Crow remake:
Jessolido says: “This September… REVENGE. WILL. C-WALK.”
Jessolido says: They killed me! They killed my wife! THEY BURNT MY C-PIECE, SON!
28. From Ghost Rider 2 has a trailer:
Crapbasket says: Say what you will about the Ghost Rider films, but given the level of talent involved and the depth of the already established back story, I’m sure that it will be a wonderful cinematic clusterf*ck for argh-tarded sh*t eaters.
From “Kung Fu Flid,” the film about a Kung Fu-fighting thalidomide baby starring Mat Fraser: Crapbasket says: Mat got his start in Discovery Channel’s “Flid This House” where he would kick in people’s front doors and flush all their socks down the toilet.
From The Writer of Conan the Barbarian Talks about His Movie Bombing:
Morton Salt says: This reminds me of my grandfather. He was born in 1901 and was sent to work on the railroads with his father when he was five. He did that for a few years, but when he was eight, he lost his right hand -his dominant hand -in an industrial accident while trying to fix something that only his little kid’s hands could reach. The point is, he had to stop working on the railroad. By the age of 12, he had become proficient enough with his left hand that he got work in a factory. He worked on the line for 40 years, never advancing in the ranks because of his missing hand, despite the fact that he would probably be more useful as a foreman. He didn’t care, though. He supported his family with the hopes that his hard work would allow them to enjoy a life he never did. He insisted on buying a house, even though he was 40 before the bank would grant a mortgage, and by that time they had nine kids, so they insisted on getting a house with four bedrooms; three kids per room, plus the master (which was actually the smallest). But, at age 52, something happened at the factory. A perpetual fuck up named Bernie was being fired. He drank on the job, came in late, etc. When the powers that be told him of his termination, he flew into a rage. He began yelling and screaming that they were damnable fools for keeping a cripple while firing him. He was talking about my grandfather. He came to the drunken conclusion that if my grandfather couldn’t work, they’d keep him around instead. Bernie approached my grandfather, who at this point knew nothing of the firing, clubbed him with a wrench and knocked him out. He then picked up my grandfather off the floor and positioned himself in such a way that allowed him to put my grandfather’s left hand -his only hand -in the path of danger. My grandfather lost his only remaining hand before anyone could help him, and Bernie fled, never to be seen again. The factory saw no option but to let my grandfather go as well. This, however, did not discourage my grandfather. After some recuperation, he insisted that my grandmother write a letter to the bank explaining the situation, and asking for some time on making the next mortgage payment. They told the bank in that letter all about the railroad accident and reasoned that if Grandpa could come back from that, he would come back from this as well. He would find honest work, and the bank would get its money. This letter was no small achievement, as my grandmother was illiterate. My grandfather pointed to the letters in the newspaper he wanted her to copy, one by one. He could’ve asked one of his kids to help, but he was too proud and didn’t want them to know about it. The letter was sent. When they missed their first mortgage payment, the bank began foreclosure on the grounds of ‘reasonable expectation that further payment would not be forthcoming’. If they hadn’t written the letter, they could’ve missed up to 10 payments without foreclosure being initiated, according to the bank’s own admission. They lost the house. My grandparents gave up their five youngest kids to an orphanage. (My father was the second oldest, so he was spared.) Those four kids (three boys and two girls) were never seen again. My grandmother began working as a crossing guard and at an industrial laundry. My grandfather never did find work. They made just enough to pay rent on a two bedroom apartment. They never complained, never talked about the misfortunes of life, except to wonder aloud about their five youngest kids and to wish them well. I don’t know if they were happy; I never really knew them. My grandmother died before I was born and my grandfather died when I was three, and all I remember is being petrified of the ancient man with no hands. Like I said, I don’t know if they were happy, but by all accounts they never whined about their lives. This hack’s plight reminds me of my grandfather.
29. From Taylor Lautner and The Rock in Talks to Play David and Goliath:
Stallonewolf says: COME AT ME BROLIATH!
From Jack White’s Collaboration on an Insane Clown Posse Song about Mozart Licking Ass:
Larry says: White should work with them on a Pagliacci parody. Using clowns to clown a clown would be totally BRAHMS.
30. From The Trailer for the Twilight Trailer:
Michelle07 says: My telepathic fetus needs to stop ordering more pitchers of margaritas!
*yells at fetus
I CAN’T MAKE A BROTHER FOR YOU YET, DING DONG!
31. From World’s Most Shocking Study Finds People Like Brad Pitt
Dingus says: “Americans may like Brad Pitt, but they don’t really care much for baseball anymore.”
That being said, this may be the biggest movie to ever open in Japan; it’s about baseball and math. They’re gonna love it.
From James Cameron Bringing Avatar to Disney World
Dingus says: “The Na’vi are so pure in everything they do, valueing life to their utmost potential. i would so much rather leave this life style and world to live their ways in their world.”
I would much rather leave this world for the world of Game of Thrones, so I could push children out of windows and f*ck my sister.
32. From Quigley, the film where Gary Busey gets reincarnated as a Pomeranian.
Oski says:
Fade In
EXT. Warehouse – Night
A Pomeranian, QUIGLEY, climbs a crane and sneaks into the warehouse through an open skylight. CUT TO
INT. Warehouse – NIGHT
QUIGLEY climbs through the girders and rafters in the warehouse ceiling and observes multiple HENCHDOGS loading illegal CHEW TOYS onto trucks.
Quigley: Bingo…
CUT TO
INT. Surveillance Van – NIGHT
BINGO is sitting at a console when he hears his name come over the radio.
BINGO: What’s up Quigley?
QUIGLEY: Not you, I just meant “Bingo, I found what I was looking for.”
BINGO: Alright Quigs, get out of there, let’s wait for backup.
Quigley: I don’t need backup…
INT. Warehouse – NIGHT
The leader of the HENCHDOGS, DANNY TREHOUND, is shaking paws with the SUPPLIER of the illegal CHEW TOYS.
DANNY TREHOUND: Orale hounds, this is some good sh*t.
SUPPLIER: I told you, didn’t I?
DANNY TREHOUND: Yeah, I just wish we had somebody to test these on.
QUIGLEY, still in the rafters, makes his way closer to the deal when one of his paws makes a squeak on the STEEL GIRDER.
DANNY TREHOUND: Woof the f*ck his this?
QUIGLEY: Your worst nightmare butthorn!
SUPPLIER: QUIGLEY!
QUIGLEY: YEAH!
QUIGLEY JUMPS from the girder down to some conveniently stacked boxes and bags of soft stuff that would not normally be in a warehouse just as the HENCHDOGS begin shooting.
Bullets wiz past everywhere, but QUIGLEY is untouched and manages to take out all of the HENCHDOGS with his MAGNUM.
DANNY TREHOUND and the SUPPLIER jump into a TACO TRUCK and speed out of the warehouse.
TO BE CONTINUED….probably not, this was a huge waste of time but I already got this far.
33. From Rip Torn bare-knuckle boxes shirtless dude in new They Might Be Giants video (one of the most enjoyable headlines I’ve ever had the fortune to type):
Ragnarok says: Rip Torn was born a drunk 57-year-old and was named in memory of his mother’s vagina.
From my Real Steel review:
The Jersey Devil says: Oddly enough, the number of incidents involving people who punched themselves in the face until they died while listening to Limp Bizkit is surprisingly low.
34. From the lady who sued Drive for not being enough like Fast and Furious:
Chareth Cutestory says:
*smash cut to trial*
“Your Honor, please. Mr. Gosling should not be allowed to bring a kitten onto the witness stand.”
“…I’ll allow it.”
“But he even put a tiny little scorpion jacket on it!”
*bangs gavel*
“CASE DISMISSED.”
35. From LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS! I’M KNITTING MY GRANDDAUGHTER A SWEATER:
Crow T. Robot says:
PRIVATE JOKER, WHY DID YOU JOIN MY BELOVED CORPS?!
Sir, to knit, sir!
SO YOU’RE A KNITTER?!
Sir, yes sir!
LET ME SEE YOUR KNIT AND PURL STITCH!
Sir?
YOU GOT A PURL STITCH? AHHHH *clinkclink* THAT’S A PURL STITCH! NOW LEMME SEE YOUR PURL STITCH!
*clinkclinkclink* Ahhhhhhhh
BULLSH*T YOU DIDN’T CONVINCE ME. YOUR STITCH ISN’T FIT TO HOLD TOGETHER YOUR OWN ASS CHEEKS. WORK ON IT.
36. From my review of Brett Ratner’s Tower Heist:
Stinky Pete says: So Ratner’s “magic negro” is an obese Jamaican housemaid? What’s the technical term for that again, jahmon ex machina? Deus ex macadamia?
37. From the Brett Ratner apology tour:
AntichristFox says: “Look, I’m sorry, but you can’t expect me to remember every chick I was banging, and all of their ethnicities, and what appetizers I was holding while jerking off to them, like some kind of fag. Now, that’s how you apologize! Boom!”
-Brett Ratner
38. From my racist joke about black dudes crossing the street slowly on purpose:
TokenBlackGuy says: WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT? *dials frantically* “LeDarrius. They’re on to us. Kill operation HonkeyDelay.”
39. From Kellen Lutz Plays Injun Lacrosse:
Big Dawg says: “Lacrosse means never having to say you’re sorry.”
Ace Rimmer said: Kellan Lutz is the pox blanket of a new generation.
Nowacki: Lacrosse: The game where everyone’s a catcher.
La Schmoove: If Token Black Guy is reading this, remind me to bring up our plan to dominate Lacrosse at the next meeting.
40. From Gary Busey wants to buttplug some cows so they don’t fart piranhas onto him post:
Jessolido says: When Gary Busey starts a sentence with “Hey girl”, he does so because he believes the person he’s talking to is actually a bale of hay walking our Earth disguised as a woman.
Jessolido says: Upon finishing the interview, Busey asked “What’s the time limit on parking on this street? I left my ostrich down there with enough tacos to last him 2 hours – but that idgit probably ate ‘em all as soon as I left. HORSE HOCKEY!… How much is busfare?
41. From the trailer for Romeo and Juliet XXX:
Jabask says:
Shall I compare thee to a gaping ass?
Thou art more lovely and more tight:
Rough slaps do shake the booty’s class
But thy retain a pristine sphincter’s bite
Sometime too loose the eye of brown becomes,
And lover’s dance at risk of prolapse;
And every fist swallowed, fingers and thumbs,
As the sound of loneliness gently faps
But thy eternal bounce shall not fade
Nor succumb to gravity and travel south;
Nor shall the taste of glory be waylaid
On journeys ashes to ashes, ass to mouth
So long as men can breathe, or butts can fart,
So long lives these cheeks, now spread ‘em apart.