WATCH: Gary Busey Has Some Thoughts About Hobbits

I don’t know what TheBuseyZone is, or how they got this video uploaded to YouTube in September and it’s barely gotten 1,000 views since then, but whoever they are, I look forward to more videos like this one, in which Gary Busey, wearing a hat two-sizes too small that says “NFL,” a denim shirt, and those huge sunglasses old people wear, offers up some of his personal opinions about hobbits. I realize that at this point Gary Busey has clearly realized that his main value to society is in constantly saying crazy things and has played to it accordingly, but I don’t care. Even when it’s totally contrived, there’s a magical craziness that Gary Busey brings to acting crazy that no one could ever fully imitate.

I’ve transcribed his thoughts on hobbits here because I think they deserve to be committed to the written record.

Middle Earth. It’s a land that’s great to visit but you have to know how to get out. One you’ve broken the barrier and crossed the line to Hobbit land. Little hobbits with the pointed ears, not very big, wide underwear but very short, because their legs aren’t long. I don’t know what their male or female apparatuses are like, but you know it’s gotta be working in some way because little hobbits, comin from birth (?). Imagine havin a team of hobbits come with you to clean cockroaches out of a house. They’d be gone in thirty minutes. Those hobbits like to use cockroaches for games. They like to make necklaces out of them. They like to put hairpieces made of out cockroaches – dead – on their head, that way they feel like they’re giving to nature.

Hobbits are special. They can see and hear things we can’t here. Because Middle Earth has a different kind of SPZZZZT spiritual and physical and emotional energy going through it. So the hobbits got one up on us on that. Dog gone hobbits, they’re so cute! Can’t tell the boys from the girls, which must make it exciting for them. You know, just finding out what that apparitus (?) says. Girl or boy. And they travel in packs of four. Because you never know what a hobbit’s going to do, and you know he isn’t going to do it by himself. So he’s got three guys to help him. That’s why they always get things done quickly and effeciently and to a T. They make a point without making it. Because that’s what a hobbit does. If you people out there have had past life regressions and feel like you might have been a hobbit, let me know it! And we’ll speak about hobbitism.

I like that Gary Busey suggests “imagine if hobbits came with you to clean cockroaches out of a house,” as if “cleaning cockroaches out of a house” is a normal thing that many people do. I like to imagine that Gary Busey thinks the way to get cockroaches out of a house is to walk through the house trapping them one by one like Rambo and bellowing a catch phrase after each one.

[hat tip: GorillaMask]