Weekend Movie Guide: All For One, One For *EXPLOSIONS*, Bro

In Theaters Everywhere: The Three Musketeers, Paranormal Activity 3, Johnny English Reborn

FilmDrunk Suggests: Spending some time with your grandparents.

(*hops in floating pirate ship, fires t-shirt cannon*)

The Three Musketeers

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 24% critics, 56% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Seriously: What the hell? The 1844 Dumas adventure classic is now a steampunk’d migraine. Clashing 3-D swords in your face! — purloined jewels and court intrigues no longer suffice. This movie exists for its digital airborne sailing vessels and deadly retro-futuristic flamethrowers.” – Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune (exactly why I think I’m going to love this movie)

“The material has been more than amply raided for both drama and farce, adding redundancy to incompetence for this latest incarnation. The fact that the story is being told in 3-D for possibly the first time is of no consolation whatsoever.” – Peter Howell, Toronto Star

Armchair Analysis: I really want to see this just so I can witness the ridiculousness. FACT: the commercials alone are stronger than a 5 Hour Energy shot. Honestly, for the sake of absolute hilarity, I feel like I’m really going to enjoy this latest installment of the classic candy bar Alexandre Dumas tale of Athos, Porthos, and Othos. Wait, that was Beetlejuice. Whatever, soundtrack by Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart and Sting or GTFO.

Vince adds: The studio didn’t screen this for critics, and in fact, in many cities, they scheduled, then cancelled their press screenings. Early word must’ve been horrible. That said… Zeppelin-carried pirate ships?!?! THIS LOOKS AMAZING!

Paranormal Activity 3

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 75% critics, 81% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“To its credit, the film goes quickly enough, and it has a few jump-in-your-seat moments. If you haven’t seen the first two movies, it might even seem novel. But if you haven’t seen the first two movies, why are you watching this? And if you have seen the first two movies, why do you need to watch this?” – Stephen Whitty, The Star-Ledger

“Joost and Schulman have the audience on the edge of our seats pretty much every moment in the film, and tease and taunt us mercilessly with all sorts of strange images and shocking appearances by the unexplained. In one of the most brilliant uses of a camera I have ever seen, they put one on an oscillating fan, which moves back and forth, making the audience worry what is going to be on screen when the camera comes back to the side where it was just a few moments ago. AWESOME!” – Willie Waffle, WaffleMovies.com (He’s not a mainstream movie critic but how can I not include a guy named Willie Waffle?)

Armchair Analysis: I love a good horror movie, especially involving ghosts, but I can’t figure out why people keep eating up these rehashed plots, especially this “footage was later found” style. The first installment was a great story – both the actual movie and how it was made – and the second one was decent enough for the scares, but let’s not completely destroy the franchise’s legacy by turning it into the next Saw. I mean, at least give me something with a little more intelligence, like this…

Vince Adds: Burnsy asked me if he could include this picture and I didn’t know what to say. Let’s just say it would make a great “Is it racist?”

Johnny English Reborn

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 36% critics, 58% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“‘Johnny English Reborn,’ a spy thriller spoof and the sequel to the 2003 ‘Johnny English,’ is an ideal vehicle for the gifts of Rowan Atkinson, a superb physical comedian. He is also, in his way, an actor with a marvelous talent for conveying thin but blustery confidence that often gives way to suppressed humiliation and eye-darting panic.” – Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle (I love including his reviews because Vince hates him)

“‘Johnny English Reborn’’ sounds like a reboot, but it’s actually a tired recycling of something that wasn’t exactly fresh to begin with. It would seem to appeal mostly to hard-core fans of the ‘Mr. Bean’ star and children who laugh at the sight of men being repeatedly kicked in the groin.” – Lou Lumenick, New York Post (too good for groin kicks, you’re cool, dude)

Armchair Analysis: I love Rowan Atkinson, as anyone who grew up watching Mr. Bean should. That’s why it pains me to look away from this movie, because while it’s unfair to the actor, I really only want to see him as the silent, bumbling fool who gives himself a birthday card because he has nobody else in his life. Haha, being lonely is hilarious! But this does have the lovely Rosamund Pike and Dominic “McNulty” West so there’s value in it.

Vince Adds: Mick LaSalle may not be a whore in the pockets of studios like Pete Hammond (isn’t it incredible how he was able to see Puss in Boots before anyone else AND break the embargo everyone else was held to AND get quoted three times in the commercial?? it’s amazing!), but on a pure taste level, he has to be the worst critic in America.