Opening Everywhere: Total Recall, Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days, 360
Opening in Limited Release: Kung Fu Hustle
FilmDrunk Suggests: If you’ve never seen it before, I strongly recommend you find the time for and a theater showing Kung Fu Hustle this weekend. Or, you know, just rent it on DVD. I don’t know why it’s being released for limited showing, but I don’t care. It’s easily one of my favorite movies ever made. But we’ll talk about that shortly.
Total Recall
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 32% critics, 73% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“The effects look great, but is that even worth noting when smart high-schoolers can make monsters on their laptops? What movie’s effects don’t look great these days?” – Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-Ledger (Have you heard of Stephen Sommers, Mr. Film Critic? Go look him up. I’ll wait.)
“Today’s Total Recall does nothing to tarnish the image of yesterday’s – 22 years from now, I expect it to be hailed as a classic.” – Rick Groen, Globe and Mail
Armchair Analysis: I want to piggyback on Mr. Groen’s point there for a second. A lot of people – myself whole-heartedly included – consider the original Total Recall a classic. I quote that film in daily conversation without even realizing it sometimes (“See you at the party, Richter!” is one of my go-to lines). That said, I can understand why some people are upset with this remake. You don’t f*ck with the classics and all that jazz, right? Well, I offer this perspective – everything is being remade, so just live with it and try to enjoy it. If the movie sucks, then I’ll sit right there with my torch and pitchfork, too. But there’s no point in bitching and moaning when the film has already been made. That goes for you, too, Arnold.
Plus, Kate Beckinsale. That is all.
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 45% critics, 85% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“The ‘Wimpy’ kid residing in all of us should find ample heart, hearty laughs and heaping helpings of wholesome humiliation in ‘Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days,’ the third chapter in what has become a winning, family-friendly film franchise.” – Sean O’Connell, Washington Post
“Unfortunately, the third picture in the franchise, ’Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days’ — which, like last year’s ‘Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules’, was directed by David Bowers — ends the series’ winning streak, or at least slows it down to a panting, dog-day crawl.” – Stephanie Zacharek, L.A. Times
Armchair Analysis: I don’t typically like to sh*t on kids movies if they tell a good story and have strong values and morals – basically teaching our kids something. But I do looooooove to sh*t on sequel after sequel. Time to wrap it up, Wimpy Kid. I suggest the fourth film – because there will probably be a fourth film – involve Wimpy Kid going to college and discovering that bullies don’t exist anymore because girls want to sleep with everyone.
360
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 26% critics, 36% audience, and that, my friends is a colossal TURD ALERT!
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“No scene lasts more than a few minutes, but the overall is effect is being subjected to 105 mins. of YouTube vignettes that someone has chosen. 360 is probably best appreciated or endured on a long flight similar to the one Hopkins takes in the movie.” – Richard Corliss, TIME
“Here the world isn’t just small, it’s also a 360-degree metaphor that begins with a woman’s breasts, leads to the boulevard circling Vienna’s center and ends with the “O” of your slack-jawed incredulity.” – Manohla Dargis, NY Times (I, an adult, wrote her name as Manhola like 5 times.)
Armchair Analysis: Never heard of it, but I can’t believe that a film starring Jude Law, Rachel Weisz, Anthony Hopkins, and Ben Foster could suck so bad, but here we are.
Kung Fu Hustle
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 100% Burnsy
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“This movie is f*cking awesome.” – Me, FilmDrunk
“This movie is the balls tits good.” – Me, FilmDrunk
Armchair Analysis: I dipped into the Rotten Tomatoes reviews to see how anyone could possibly complain about this beautiful, funny film, and I about had a stroke reading a critic who will remain nameless bitching that it’s too corny. The action is hilarious in a great way, as it pays tribute to martial arts films instead of outright parodying them (like, for instance, that lump of feces known as Kung Pow). But no matter how many times I watch this film, the ending just gets me. I don’t know how to explain that an action comedy gets me all sappy, but Stephen Chow did it. He made a perfect movie. Again, if you haven’t seen it, go. Immediately.