Opening Everywhere: Machete Kills, Captain Phillips
Opening Somewhere: All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, Romeo and Juliet, Haunt
FilmDrunk Suggests: Just go see Machete Kills. I know it may not be everyone’s cup o’ tea and it’s way too over the top and nonsensical to even be cute anymore, and most of us would rather give money to Nickelback than Charlie Sheen, but they’ve tried so damn hard to shove this down our throats. Just give in.
Machete Kills
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 29% critics, 65% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
When a celebrity chef like Rodriguez is just going through the motions, we can smell that the grindhouse fad is way past its expiration date. It’s time to put a fork in it. – Joe Williams, St. Louis Post-Dispatch
“Machete Kills” is barely a movie. It’s an inside joke wrapped in a fanboy fantasy, pieced together through a haze of ironic detachment. – Adam Graham, Detroit News
Armchair Analysis: This was a movie that I was moderately interested in seeing because the first one was okay. But this ridiculous marketing push with new clips and whatnot every other day? Honestly, it’s sad. It’s like a guy begging for sex.
Captain Phillips
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 94% critics, 90% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
This is acting of the highest order in a movie that raises the bar on what a true-life action thriller can do. – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
It’s some of the most powerful acting Hanks has ever done. – Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor
Armchair Analysis: I wish I could have been there to see Chet Haze watch this movie with Tom Hanks, because you know he was like, “YO POPS, U DA GREATEST N SHIT BUT I WOULD B LIKE FUCK U PIRATE BITCHEZ AND POP! POP! POP! WIT MY GAT, YO!” And then Tom would quietly explain that it’s a movie and Chet would be like, “Whateva, u triflin hatin beeyotch. U AIN’T OWN ME!”
All the Boys Love Mandy Lane
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 39% critics, 34% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
There’s a slightly nasty twist to some of the violence, with an air of school shooter menace ultimately creeping in as the group’s tormentor is revealed. – Nicolas Rapold, New York Times
Despite moments of black comedy and some memorable images, this ‘debut’ doesn’t offer a lot to love. – Peter Keough, Boston Globe
Armchair Analysis: I heard this was terrible. That’s all I’ve got.
Romeo and Juliet
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 22% critics, 65% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
The grown-ups outshine the kids in this handsome, romantically anemic rendering of Shakespeare’s perennial. – Todd McCarthy, Hollywood Reporter
Here’s betting the new film version of Romeo and Juliet probably won’t inspire a new generation’s passion for Shakespeare. – Liam Lacey, Globe and Mail
Armchair Analysis: Seriously? We’re still doing this “It’s Shakespeare’s classic reimagined for a new audience!” bullshit routine? I hope that he’s the first one out of the grave when the zombie apocalypse begins, and he goes straight to Hollywood. Wait, no. There’s be nothing for him to eat there.
Haunt
Armchair Analysis: I’m not even going with the standard review quotes or whatever, mainly because there are none. Always a good sign, right? Well check out the synopsis:
A family that moves into a home with a dark past…
Nope, not even going to finish. Something this unoriginal doesn’t even deserve what I’ve already given it.