Weekend Movie Guide: Heroes In A Half Shell, Turtle Power!

Opening Everywhere: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Step Up: All In, Into the Storm

Opening Somewhere: What If

FilmDrunk Suggests: We’ve been getting a lot of sh*t from readers and commenters about how negative some of us have been about this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot, because some of us think that reboots are almost always trash or that Michael Bay is like the Rat King of making movies. But you know what? I’m not ashamed to admit that my mind has changed on this movie that I once thought looked like a turd wrapped in colorful bandanas, and I’m kind of excited to see it and judge it accordingly. Sure, I still think that Megan Fox has always been one of the most overrated actresses of the last 20 years, so much that she makes Jessica Alba look like Meryl Streep (in acting terms, obviously), but most of us loved this franchise as kids, so why not give it another shot?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 21% critics, 65% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

If you thought Michael Bay had forgiven Megan Fox for saying he was “like Hitler,” this new April O’Neil role is proof he hasn’t. – Amy Nicholson, L.A. Weekly

For having gone to the trouble of making a self-descriptive movie called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, its producers seem ultimately unsure about its most basic concept. – Cliff Lee, Globe and Mail

Armchair Analysis: Seriously, let’s all make a pledge to each other to see this with an open mind and then come back on Monday, meet in the box office recap post and share our honest opinions. That should go well.

Step Up: All In

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 38% critics, 65% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Whatever the other flaws, the dancing itself rarely seems to disappoint in these movies.” – Bilge Ebirir, Vulture

Eager young dance fans will sit through stale storylines as long as the movie can supply fresh moves, and in that department, Sie and her team of three choreographers have it covered. – Peter Debruge, Variety

Armchair Analysis: Do you like watching wildly choreographed dance moves set within a poorly-told and hilariously recycled story? Then light your money on fire and watch a music video on YouTube.

Into the Storm

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 19% critics, 62% audience (It’s a really f8cking lousy weekend at the box office, apparently.)

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Into the Storm” features laughable dialogue, far-fetched situations, and generic characters played by actors who almost look like more famous stars. I still had a blast; and if you lower your resistance, you may too. – Ty Burr, Boston Globe

It’s no spoiler to reveal that these tornadoes just happen to be the biggest storms that ever were, and watching them chew up buildings like they were so many corn bread muffins can’t help but be involving. – Kenneth Turan, L.A. Times

Armchair Analysis: I don’t know if this is a sign that I’m just getting older, but I don’t get why people like watching this kind of outrageous weather porn that shows people losing their homes, lives and loved ones to violent storms, when it happens on the actual news ALL THE TIME. Just seems kind of awful to me.

What If

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 72% critics, 73% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

What If doesn’t break new ground. But it has charm to spare, and Radcliffe and Kazan are irresistible. No ifs about it. – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

Even if the movie feels headed in a predictable direction, it’s fun to follow it, and even if the characters sound a little interchangeable, it’s still amusing to hear them speak. – Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-Ledger

Armchair Analysis: This looks like the sh*ttiest Harry Potter movie yet.